Tub Book: Glossary

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	"And so we wade through truths, mining symbols, myths, and archetypes in our search for the beginning, that original event, that catalyst -- Zeus’ thunderbolt hurled from an inky sky into the primordial seas -- that very thing that triggered it all. To consider the literal truths behind the tale is to miss the point. And so we may find pigs rolling in the first dusty settlements as men toil, seeding the soil; tobacco growing into a catalyst that fuels the flames of colonialism. We may hunt for the earliest invocation of the owl or trace the umbrella back to the stony hearts of men. We may look to that auspicious meeting of friends and find Stimes and Adid, both living on 27th, swapping mail, talking, discovering, laughing -- origins unfolding in the accident of their meeting, the association of circumstance and newfound friends, that first glimpse of the totemic 27, and the trading of letters, like the trading of ideas for years to come. We can even look to the genesis of myths, and find the Fallen Stone fertilizing the roots of the Garden of Eden, entangled in the mystical stuffs of Gnostics. And as we hunt for very origins of man we find ourselves in the damp and fecund clay, shaped and infused with the breath of the gods, forbidden fruits feeding our flickering gnosis, stones hidden in the heads of babes, and the light bulb turning on with first club-swinging chimp…." -- Carl Jung, Jr., winning the argument by boring the pants off the competition at a friendly wine and cheese lawn-party in Iowa with Nevid Kessar.		"And so we wade through truths, mining symbols, myths, and archetypes in our search for the beginning, that original event, that catalyst -- Zeus’ thunderbolt hurled from an inky sky into the primordial seas -- that very thing that triggered it all. To consider the literal truths behind the tale is to miss the point. And so we may find pigs rolling in the first dusty settlements as men toil, seeding the soil; tobacco growing into a catalyst that fuels the flames of colonialism. We may hunt for the earliest invocation of the owl or trace the umbrella back to the stony hearts of men. We may look to that auspicious meeting of friends and find Stimes and Adid, both living on 27th, swapping mail, talking, discovering, laughing -- origins unfolding in the accident of their meeting, the association of circumstance and newfound friends, that first glimpse of the totemic 27, and the trading of letters, like the trading of ideas for years to come. We can even look to the genesis of myths, and find the Fallen Stone fertilizing the roots of the Garden of Eden, entangled in the mystical stuffs of Gnostics. And as we hunt for very origins of man we find ourselves in the damp and fecund clay, shaped and infused with the breath of the gods, forbidden fruits feeding our flickering gnosis, stones hidden in the heads of babes, and the light bulb turning on with first club-swinging chimp…." -- Carl Jung, Jr., winning the argument by boring the pants off the competition at a friendly wine and cheese lawn-party in Iowa with Nevid Kessar.
-	* Procreation Myths	+	* Procreation Myths
-	* The Worship of Tits	+	* The Worship of Tits
		+
		+	Crossed Spoons Device
		+
		+	An image of a pair of black and silver crossed spoons, often sewn into the upper right-hand corner of a red flag. Commonly known as the "War Flag," it is used only on rare occasions, notably by the Associationalist Drum and Fife Band. The flag is often emblazoned with the motto "Don't Pike on Me" and is always flown subordinate to the pancake banner.
		+
		+	The origin of the device and the flag is unknown, although the device is known to have existed in 1947 and the flag by at least 1950.
		+
		+	In the aftermath of the vengeance mission resulting from the destruction of Wee-Wee, those arrested were found to be carrying one of these flags.
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Pancake banner
		+
		+
		+	Daedalus: nine, Peninsula: dead
		+
		+	Code word for Run! invented by Televy Gide for the late-nite shenanigans of AA'ers. The practice of making a word less efficient which in normal circumstances requires maximum efficiency was crucial in practicing the reverse of which he normally did in his day job: writing a weekly journal of telegraphic text messages to be used by AA poets as source material for creating verse. It was all part of the One Year Plan devised by Stimes Addisson in 1981 on the anniversary of the Death of the Chameleon.
		+
		+	Dakota Meeting Rooms
		+
		+	dakota meeting room nb. 1. A meeting room that instigates an elaborate government investigation. 2. The rearrangement of capital for the purpose of inducing a lie.
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Alcove
		+	* Geomachy
		+	* Peep-Hole
		+
		+
		+	Dead body
		+	dead body n.v. 1. Narrative space, defined by fucking idiots. 2. A state of future being, devoid of consciousness; a potentiality of any sort, usually dreadful. 3. A dramatical totem of immense popularity, signaling the engagement of a puzzle, a journey or a jolly romp, and otherwise initiating a series of elaborate narrative shake-downs.
		+
		+	Usage
		+
		+	"Over my dead body are they going to make me go back."
		+
		+	"I knew he was having dreams, nightmares," Lisset said. "He would wake up at night really sweaty. When I popped around the next day for a few drinks, he had become a dead body. I can't explain it."
		+
		+
		+	Extrapolation
		+
		+	The dead body just sat there. A weight on top of the world. No past, no future; just a dead constant present - one of the lucky ones.
		+
		+	The dead body was an AA member since Stimes' day. The dead body knew Dutch, Dutch did not know the dead body. AA was the connection - but there was no link - and the dead body enjoyed the new found life as a dead body. It's not such a bad job after all but the foie gras reeks.
		+
		+	The dead body used to sing children's songs for a living. Spaghetti Worm was a popular tune among 3 year olds and earned the dead body honors among peers. The dead body could reflect on this and smile. But the dead body was not the dead body - rather "some Accidental Associationalism mind bender" (Johnson, p. 13) - the dead weight of the world is upon us. There may be no forgiving this time around.
		+
		+	Dutch probed further back in time and remembered a favorite poem he used to sing in choir school:
		+
		+	Lo and behold the Father
		+	of Righteous Wrongdoings
		+	Answers our darkest Prayers
		+
		+	Lo and behold the Mother
		+	of Wrongful Righteousness....
		+	(etc)
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Death
		+
		+	Dead man
		+	dead man gn. 1. The unspoken and invisible dictators of culture, the necrocracy. 2. The act of being passed the mantle from that which has not yet existed. 3. The likely product of sciomachy; evocation. 4. The origin of accidents and the elaboration of instructional material from such. 5. The grateful acceptance of advice from the fevered or delusory. 6. An empty mountain.
		+
		+	Extrapolation
		+
		+	Michael Baldwin entertained a variation of dead man, arriving at Dead French Men. He used the term to indicate he'd been to a lot of college and was entitled to the beer discount, as advertised.
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Augury
		+	* Boneyards
		+	* Death
		+	* Fumes
		+	* Vapors
		+
		+
		+	Death
		+
		+	Death nv. 1. An unfortunate by-product of third-world countries, cannons, God-worship, ill-gotten gains and the prime cause of funerals and, by extension, funereality. 2. A consensual goal or endpoint; the resolution of a drama. 3. The result of life. 4. Generative force responsible for dead men and the multiplication of vapor.
		+
		+	Non Canonical Text
		+
		+	"You may be starved to death, stung to death by wasps, killed by tigers, cut to pieces--beginning at the toes--impaled on spears, burned to death, or tattooed."1 -- The Life and Adventures of the Burdett Twins. 1881. New York: Popular Press.
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Auto-Colonialism
		+	* Boneyards
		+	* Poob Culture
		+	* Ritual Murder
		+
		+	Notes
		+
		+
		+
		+	Note 1: Though the shock value is lost on contemporary audiences, both twins chose tattoos.
		+
		+	Death Cults
		+	Death Cult(s) n. 1. A religous group whose belief system stresses the cyclical nature of life as exposed by astrological and natural phenomena, with an emphasis on cessaristic elements, i.e. death, solar settings, winter, amputations, bloodletting, abortionism and many more truncations of the metaphorical type. 2. The Republican Party, for example; Christianity, in general.
		+	Extrapolation
		+	In The Ultimate Evil, author Maury Terry contends that the Son of Sam killer David Berkowitz was a member of “The Children”, a satanic cult based out of Venice, California, with links to the military and intelligence establishments. According to Terry, “The Children” is a splinter group of The Process Church of the Final Judgment, which--although officially disbanded some 30 years ago--continues to operate secretly in six major U.S. cities. Terry claims that The Process Church operates from a “remote enclave” in New York and has changed its name many times, accumulating millions of dollars in real estate holdings along the way.
		+
		+	In his treatise, Terry accused The Process of Hitler worship, animal sacrifice, drug running, kiddie porn, murder, and complicity in Son of Sam. Process apologists argue that Terry took Process founder Robert DeGrimston's symbolic teachings too literally and that The Ultimate Evil suffers from poor logic, draws from dubious sources, and is littered with “red herrings”.
		+
		+	According to Terry, Berkowitz--though admittedly involved in some of the Son of Sam murders--was set up as a fall guy by the “The Children” for the entire series of murders, much in the same manner that Charles Manson may have been similarly manipulated in the Tate-LaBianca murders.
		+
		+	From various sources--among them, Berkowitz himself--Terry learned that one Son of Sam murder was videotaped and that the cameraman (Ronald Sisman) was subsequently murdered by cult members when they went to recover the Son of Sam snuff film. Terry pinned this murder on a mysterious figure dubbed Manson II, whom he later identified as William Mentzer, an “occult superstar” and hit man who moved through the same late 1960’s milieu of sex, drugs, and porn as Manson -- and who had been intimate with Tate-LaBianca murder victim, Abigail Folger. Terry quoted his source on Mentzer/Manson II as “someone in the intelligence community”.
		+
		+	-- Adam Gorightly
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Birth Cults
		+	* Mormo
		+	* Molech
		+	* Ritual Murder
		+
		+
		+	Democracy
		+	democracy f. 1. A fantasy land where you can direct activity by the voicing of opinion; a pie hole, stuffed. 2. Cherished symbol of The Western Mystery Tradition, responsible for strip-malls. 3. A fat man, pissing himself, reading Plato. 4. A comforting illusion.
		+
		+	Non-Canonical Text
		+
		+	"A broken rule is a spirit untethered, and an untethered spirit is lost." -- Gonzales, Alberto. Why I Voted. The American Conservative. November 17, 2004.
		+
		+	"Beaten paths are for beaten men." -- Roberts, John. Why I Shat in the Crapper. The Conservative American. January 16, 2001.]
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Fumes
		+	* Platonic Forms
		+	* Vapor
		+
		+
		+	Desert Shield II
		+	In 1990 a U.S. Military operation was launched to protect Kuwait's oilfields from Saddam Hussein. Despite the reaction of the western media, Hussein was not acting under the direction of Satan, but was rather expanding in accordance precedents set by earlier colonial powers. "Desert Storm: The Rape of Cassandra" (1999) -- featuring cloddy voice-over work by George Bush and Nell Carter -- is the most notable video game based on the war that followed and is of importance to the Associationalist milieu due to the fact the combatants are Gnomish creatures, far too short and misshapen to operate their oversized guns and sabers.In an unusual bit of transmedia exploitation, in 1992 an aging William Flintrock wrote a play based on the computer game which enjoyed several successful seasons in off-broadway theaters and back-alley agit-prop centers. Though the narrative adheres to the events of the game, Flintrock gave prominence to non-combatants:
		+
		+	* George Bush as the Opportunistic Magistrate, presented on stage as a plushy meat-hook and played by Charlie Sheen.
		+	* Saddam Hussein as the Comely Waif and played by Mona Sherbet, appearing in her first role after her disastrous 1988 performance in Pardon Me Priapus.
		+	* Dionne Warwick as the Fatidic Observer, performed brilliantly by midget superstar and motocross champion Alexandra Bumpkins.
		+	* Wilhelm Reich as Sargeant Janus, played by Everette Goldbergenstein and Yosef Abdulla, in a bifurcated double-headed costume designed by Flintrock.
		+
		+	While the play had a limited run and is today largely forgotten, it is seen by critics as the first of what became a flood of game-to-theater cross-overs; the most popular has certainly been 2002's "Burger Time: Magus on A Bun" by firebrand director and playwright, Alsation Heady. As for the military operation itself, aside from the kneeknock it gave to World Order, Desert Shield is notable for two things:
		+
		+	1. The shield became a storm -- a power previously reserved for Jesus.
		+	2. The curious blatant introduction of Simon Magus into cheesecake calandars and other onanistic material.
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Arab Countries
		+	* Banana slut, you?
		+	* Moloch
		+
		+	Desiderata
		+
		+	desiderata am. 1. Objects or information essential, but absent. 2. Fragments in need of a sojourner to assemble them; the sojourner himself. 3. All information traveling along the associational filament. 4. A catalyst for adduction.
		+
		+	Usage
		+
		+	"...holy shit he's all desiderata..." -- Tim Wilson on Alexandre Dacusse
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Ablation
		+	* Desiderata 90
		+
		+	Desiderata 90
		+
		+	A short-lived prog-rock band founded by David Payne which helped define Post-HoboCore pop culture. The line-up was a melange of street people, professional train-car bandits, assorted tub-thumpers, guitar masters and of course, Dave Payne himself on vocals, piano, harpischord, electric bassoon and skin-tyriod. Though the outfit released only two albums on the now-defunct Alpha Chimp label, rumors of a reunion tour and the release of previously unrecorded material are persistent.]
		+	Critical Appraisal
		+
		+	"Fearless" -- PJ O'Rourke
		+
		+	"Shit, there isn`ta (sic) "CANCEL" button. -- Diary of a Wine Taster (http://www.wine-journal.com/blog25.html)
		+
		+	Discography
		+
		+	* Hindquarters
		+	* Sleeps for Two
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Depression and the Second Drink before Noon
		+	* Mustache
		+
		+	Dime Bag of Verse
		+
		+	A form of literary distribution built on the model of peddling drugs, particularly the technique practised by street dealers in Washington Square Park or along St. Mark's Avenue, New York City. Tim Wilson developed the technique, inspired by accounts of Addisson's Amway-style poetry samples. Wilson described the procedure to Pedro Marquez in 1999 for the Mexi-Cult magazine Casa del Filete:
		+
		+	"The poet creates the poem first, an important start. But I rush ahead excitedly, let us pace ourselves. This poem we are to make is to be made as a poem, not as an act of masturbation or dilly dalliance. One shouldn't be planning to read it, for instance, or mail it to an editor. The poem produced can be seen as a stern matron -- womb dried up, hands cubbed with large knuckles, face tempered by the sun into an unending, witheringly unapproachable grin. This grin is your mountain peak, fix upon it, set sail1 and climbing spike steady, grimly. Do not, however, invite disaster by looking always over your shoulder or consulting dictionaries, thesauri or billboards visible from your derrick window. Rush headlong is the order of the day."
		+
		+	"Imperative also is the use of a machine for composition. I prefer the IBM Selectric -- a revolutionary beast of throbbing pulchritude. Though you may wish to employ some alternate machine. Whatever. You may as well choose to breath alternate air, to flood your body with alternate blood, to shit out alternate, impossible golden turds. No, best stick with me: The IBM Selectric is a furiously modernist example of form coupling with function. Driven by it's proto-gnostic pivoting typeball -- the Selectric quite literally fucks the poem into existence. So, thusly prepared, secure a surface to accept the poem, aware that size is your key to success. Choose easily foldable strips of no larger than an inch and a half in width and 12 inches in height -- greater dimensions precludes placement into the dime bag and defeat the excercise entirely. Fortunately for the intrepid dime-bagger, in the form of purchase receipts, a suitable medium is daily produced in staggering amounts."
		+
		+	Wilson, incredibly, explains further:
		+
		+	"
		+
		+	Non-Canonical Text
		+
		+	When the Police investigated further, they decided to give him a ticket for loitering and told him to go home.
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Mom Jokes
		+
		+	Note 1: Curiously, to this day, Wilson believes some manner of sail is needed to climb a mountain.
		+
		+	Diver
		+
		+	Diver. n. 1. Seen primarily as the scooting of premises, a massive analogical overload most commonly resulting in the suprise of the diver himself, laden as he is with Expectation, who turns Wisdom to Associational Thought, an exploding beauty gently into the quiet nite, spelled particularly for the life of TV's SuperStarDom. 2. Archaic form of diverse.
		+
		+	Usage
		+
		+	Nevid Kessar's The Sponge Diver's Game.
		+
		+	Doctrine of Doing
		+
		+	Doctrine authored by El Parqiz, published in 1571 as Por el Movimiento Lejos para Inacción y Pereza, Hacia el Doctrina de Hacer.
		+
		+	The Doctrine of Doing, sometimes refered to as the Doctrine of "Doing!" in modern parlance, consists of three suppositions intended to, in the words of the author, "provide sane counsel for the development of justification for oblique moral stances among the empty (similar usage as wu wei)."
		+
		+	1. The doing of the body.
		+	2. The doing of the mind.
		+	3. The Doing!
		+
		+	The Doctrine is often confused with the onomatopoeic "Doing!" associated with objects which move suddenly and with some violence upon being released from a restraining force, such a duck's bill, a two-by-four slapped upwards under the chin, an erection, the bib on an old-fashined tuxedo, etc. Although primarily a sound or word represented in cartoons and animated films, "Doing!" or rather, "Doing-g-g!" remains a popular in-joke among the literati.
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Boing
		+
		+	Dog Pile
		+
		+	dog pile n. 1. A mound of canine excrement; more generally, animal poo. 2. Untrustworthy information. 3. A shady or treacherous individual, a miscreant.
		+
		+	Dominant mode of epistemological regurgitation
		+	The historically most Associationalist epistemological issue concerning perception is whether and how beliefs about physical objects and about the physical world generally can be justified or warranted on the basis of whether or not one prefers the watermelon and or the egg.
		+
		+	Non-Canonical Text
		+
		+	This method of evaluating perception was a key component in the functioning of Project Sausage.
		+
		+	Five senses vomiting....due to a priori rejection....slinking....wet dream of the invalid soldier, in flannel robe, with coffee (http://plastictub.vaporslave.com/index.php/Image:HeadB_Coffee.jpg); head wound.
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Beta Chimp
		+	* Dick Fosbury
		+
		+	Donut
		+
		+	donut, doughknot jk. 1. A torus shaped edible, usually fried and composed of flour, yeast and sugar. 2. Progenitor of the donut hole and in such capacity a creative element of the pleroma. 3. For many, the actual shape of the earth. 4. Seventh sign on the O'Donnely Zodiac Placemats. 5. An stiff, ring-shaped pillow, used for resting broken tail bones; a cock ring.
		+
		+	Usage
		+
		+	"There are no donuts in jail." -- A. Dacusse to Adid, upon his second arraignment for brawling, spitting and drinking in public.
		+
		+	Extrapolation
		+
		+	Ryan O'Donnely (founder of the O'Donnely's Ribhouse and Honkytonk chain) has been called a racist, a man's man, a son-of-a-bitch, and a ham-fisted pugilist with a muscular Christianity. But he's no dummy. Despite his good-ol'-boy, God-wieldin' ways, in 1968 O'Donnely hired a crack team of demographic experts from New York City1 to help scientifically determine the best location for O'Donnely expansion. This team stumbled across a curious fact that helped make O'Donnely rich: Winston Salem, NC, on a per capita basis, has the highest annual level of:
		+
		+	* donut consumption
		+	* rib consumption
		+	* cigarette consumption
		+
		+	Not to mention more illicit pregnancies and legal cockfights than any town this side of Saigon.
		+
		+	This sounded like a weird coincidence (e.g., it's just big town o' sinnin'), till they demonstrated that the strong correlation between these factors extends across the United States and has existed for decades; in other words, these "industries" rise and fall together across cities and time.
		+
		+	Well, O'Donnely's a smart man and he ran with it. His Honkeytonk chain took off like greyhound with a firecracker up its ass. But he wasn't one to ask why. The statisticians' work was done; they were fired, and that was the end of that.
		+
		+	Ryan's son Patter was a more curious man. When he took over the chain in 1990, he rounded back up the very same team stats gurus and asked them: "What gives?" -- so they tried digging a little deeper. They were able to determine that the highly correlated "sins" had a strong negative correlation with per capita membership in the Latter Day Saints. But that was about it. Statisticians are good for finding relationships, but they tend be slow with cause and effect. At any rate, they were a group of old men by now, and one-by-one, they succumbed to dementia and remarkably unmysterious deaths.
		+
		+	Patter was left holding the question of why, and it nagged at him. He eventually offered a $1000 reward to anyone who could explain the thread that tied donuts, ribs, stinking weed, illicit pregnancies and legal cockfights -- all while keeping the Mormons at bay. He figured anyone who could crack this nut could establish heaven on earth. Or least one helluva Honkytonk.
		+
		+	The reward, incidentally, remains unclaimed.
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Donut Shaped World Theory
		+	* Johannssen Messerschmidt
		+
		+	Notes
		+
		+	Note 1: They were actually from Hollywood, but O'Donnely found that "too goddamn faggy to talk about."
		+
		+	Donut Shaped World Theory
		+
		+	The controversial theory that the earth is in fact, shaped like a donut. Though allegedly proved wrong by cosmonauts in 1975, the theory continues to attract a surprising amount of critical inquiry. Posited by A.W. Slippers in such works as The Shipping Lane Aside, it proved popular with the simple-minded and adventurous alike, appealing particularly to prisoners, Unitarians, the insane and 27 members of the U.S. Congress.
		+
		+	Add Water
		+
		+	One follower, Johannssen Messerschmidt, urged people to spread the word. He was arrested one night walking around Philadelphia clad "with only a donut circl'd about that member which should not be mentioned in these halls," as it was put so eloquently by Senator Locust B. Burley of Vermont, when the matter of Slippers' proposal to voyage to the center of the hole in the Earth was discussed in the Senate. Burley was opposed to the venture and dismissed Slippers as a "charlatan....a flim-flam man of the lowest order...his proposals absurd and his theories are balderdash."
		+
		+	Break Bread
		+
		+	Nonetheless a secret expedition funded by foreign shipping magnate Xenophon Aliokrate did in fact set out to find the hole in the center of the world. The team was equipped with the most exceptional, acurate clocks and "chronickers," telescopes, bi-noculars, sextants, several chronographs and chronometers, and reams of notebooks and map-paper as well as numerous blank leather-bound notebooks. Each member was given a personal hourglass and a pewter pendulum as well as a very expensive gold pen. The ship was rigged with a plethora of modern astronomical instruments and measuring devices and had a separate galley loaded with endless charts and carto-bibliographies, Flamsteed's Atlas Coelestis, a fully functional grandfather clock, wet bar with servants and, of course, several Jules Verne novels. The rumours of a glass bottom seem typical of the exaggerations of the era.
		+
		+	Leftovers Again
		+
		+	The names of the crew and of the ship itself have been lost to history. While most scholars and historians discount the story as a Slander operation intended to embarrass Senator Locust B. Burley and cast him as an enemy of science and exploration, others are convinced that it was quite real, and, although they agree that the world is not in fact toroidal but was pretty much spherical, they still find endless fascination with the mysterious disappearance of the crew and the general zietgeist of the era. Occult detectives claim evidence that South American Adventures Of 1948 recovered the progeny of the crew on a deserted isle not far from the legendary Galapagos Archipelago. Easton W. Wunderkidd often hinted that he knew of the wherabouts of the ship and was the only one who knew the real story.
		+
		+	Dreidl
		+
		+	Dreidl n. 1. A toy similar to a spinning top used in games of chance played by children. 2. A great weight balanced on a thin member. 3. A fragile ego in a guarded soul; temperament as fate. 4. euph. A swollen clitoris, not to be mistaken for an egg.
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Augury
		+	* Nut
		+	* The Unseen Hand
		+	* Watermelon
		+
		+	Dye-works
		+
		+	Dye-works liturg. 1. In several creation theories the dye-works are the sector just below the naming sector and above the modeling sector in the production facilities. 2. Code name for slander operation. 3. Mystical place of transformative knowledge; The Corner Lot. 3. euph. Change for the worse; a place for the down-trodden.
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Counterfeiting gang
		+	* Secret Negro
		+	* Skinwalker
		+
		+	Ear
		+
		+	ear snd. 1. Cartiliginous head appendage that gathers sound; sometimes found attached to the backs of mice. 2. Fourth sign on the O'Donnely Zodiac Placemats. 3. Headphones.
		+
		+	Usage
		+
		+	"There is a bone in your ear which does not belong there!" -- Jonathan Trenchwheat to Nathanael West, Hollywood, 1940.
		+
		+	"Well that would be the time I lay naked on a gurney in agony as the orderlies stuffed a snack cake into my ear... my left ear to be precise." -- San Francisco Vagrant to Miss Monitzer when asked about his worst experience while institutionalized, 1991. This quote would later be adapted into a screenplay, but misplaced in 2004 during an alcoholic stupor.
		+
		+	“Pass me an ear of corn.” -- an oft-heard request at Incidentalist Dead Flesh Bonanzas.
		+
		+	Extrapolation
		+
		+	On the Uniqueness of Ears
		+
		+	No two ears are alike1 -- an astounding fact considering the 10 billion-plus human ears that have graced the Earth. Not even your own ears are identical. Ears are, in fact, the most reliable distinguishing identifier between identical twins, chimps and apes.
		+
		+	The big question, as always, is why? For some, this is glimpse of the unseen hand of the Maker, shaping each person from the clay anew; for others, this is evidence of the grand random chaos in the universe, a bit of trivia, purposed as we grant it.
		+
		+	Like men and women, these twin views were once one in the poetic sciences of ear divining, which appears to have traveled with alchemy from the Indian subcontinent to the ancient Greeks around the 4th century BCE. The practice eventually split into the blind fatalism of phrenology and the cold science of ear-based identification systems2 around the beginning of the 20th Century in London and Brussels.
		+
		+	The schism was retained, indeed amplified, as ear identification was quickly replaced by fingerprinting (and eventually, DNA sampling), while phrenology evolved into a host of predictive practices (e.g., racial profiling). This divide is really only an echo of the contrary philosophies “shared” today by the American peoples, where a fundamentalist president who “shapes reality” to fit his beliefs presides over scientists who explore the heavens with Martian rovers.
		+
		+	The Trouble with Unattached Ears
		+
		+	Ear investigation is a relatively uncommon field. Since criminals aren't regularly ear printed, it can be difficult to match an ear to a print found at a crime scene.
		+
		+	But there's another weirder problem: unattached and unclaimed ears turn up world wide on a regular basis. Since there's little in the way of large-scale ear print repositories, it's difficult to track an unattached ear back to its owner unless someone comes forward. In one particularly curious example, an unattached and unclaimed ear (http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1345942/posts) was found near Strangeways Prison in Manchester on February 18, 2005. (The news of this was somewhat delayed due to an extraordinarily thorough job of ensuring that the object was, indeed, an ear. This wasn't due to a particularly thorough police force; rather, this was an attempt to avoid the embarrassment the force faced earlier when an unattached finger turned out to be a sausage.)
		+
		+	This would just be another loose ear incident were it not for some cracker jack detective work by one Mr. Cor van der Lugt,3 who managed to match this ear back to a previously found ear lying unattached and unclaimed at the feet of a dead and dangling Creatine Panderbox on May 3, 1960, in San Luis Potosi, Mexico. This rather extraordinary bit of news has rather baffled international crime agencies. All they've been able to conclude is that somewhere there's an earless person running about, immune to prosecution from ear prints.
		+
		+	Ear Forgeries
		+
		+	A second weakness in the world of ear investigations results from the sheer simplicity of it all. The great draw of ear identification is the basic and readily identifiable unique properties of each ear -- but it's this very simplicity that makes the whole thing rather prone to trickery.
		+
		+	At the risk of reading like a criminal how-to manual, the simplest trick is ear muffs. Wear them while committing a crime, and you have nothing to fear from ear investigators.
		+
		+	A more devious trick is ear stamping. Gnomic operatives are known to produce stamps that perfectly replicate the ear prints of numerous VIPs. The blackmail opportunities are obvious.
		+
		+	A third trick is the supposed use of prosthetic ear coverings (or ear gloves) by higher-ups in the Gnomic underworld. Although unproven, this doesn't seem out the realm of possibility -- though it would certainly require extreme proficiency in costuming; we're talking Hollywood caliber make-up at this point.
		+
		+	The true extent of Gnomic ear stamping and gloving may never be known, but the rumors run broad and deep enough to have been mocked by none other than Walt Disney, who placed giant false ears on the heads of each and every Mouseketeer.
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Eye
		+	* Hand
		+	* Hunimal
		+	* Face
		+
		+	Notes
		+
		+	Note 1: “The ear is, for each human being, so different that the precise description, with all its characteristic features, would already be enough to ascertain the identification” (Professor Niceforo, Die Kriminalpolizei und ihre Hilfswissenschaften).
		+
		+	Note 2: Ear investigators continue to prosecute criminals on the basis of ear prints, which are particularly suited for identification due to: a) The readily measurable ratios present in the distances between the numerous standard cartilaginous protrusions (e.g., tragus, anti-tragus, knob of Darwin, etc.) b) The uniqueness of these ratios in every ear. c) The fact that these ratios are established by the fourth month of fetal development and remain unchanged until the decomposition of the corpse. BBC (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/235721.stm) presents a short story of a murderer busted by his ear prints.
		+
		+	Note 3: Mr. Cor van der Lugt (http://www.crimeandclues.com/earprint.htm) has presented an excellent discussion and proposal concerning the role of ear identification in the field of criminology.
		+
		+	Note 4: Amateur AA historian Steven Adkins defended Payne, pointing out that the “sicko perv” claims were “childish and unsubstantiated. Besides, we all have our own crosses to bear. And remember, to err is human, to ear, divine.”

---

Revision as of 01:26, 25 Feb 2008

#

27 (nb.) 1. Twenty-seven ones stacked up, placed between twenty-five ones and twenty-six ones. 2. The twelfth prime number.

Usage

"It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are 27 gods, or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg." — Thomas Jefferson

Extrapolation

The totem number of the AA. It appears ubiquitously not only in AA literature and art, but in dates and other contexts generally recognized to be beyond the control of the human hand.

Accidentalists generally regard the 27 phenomenon as a joke, while Associationalists see a more profound, if not mystical, operation at play.

One wily commentator has speculated that 27 represents play as a healthy inversion of work: "If you take the 2 and the 7 you find that 7+2=9 and 7-2=5. The connection: 9-2-5. The 9 to 5! The job, the workplace, the toil for another, 27 is code for this Pooban enslavement mechanism!" Needless to say, this commentator has since been proven insane and rather dull-witted, at that.

See Also

• Reticent 27

Desiderata

The number 27 has attracted wide-spread notice independent of and at first unknown to the editors of Plastic Tub. The number appears ubiquitously in pop culture and in both natural and man-made disasters. Some call it conspiracy. Others call it dumb luck.

3 (sci.) 1. Niggardly vison (see Titor'd). 2. The third number of the alphabet. 3. Three. 4. E, backwards, though not a schwa.

Extrapolation

"Unbarrel 27. There lies Three." — tombstone (see Boneyards) carving, origin unknown.

See Also

• Three Blind Mice
• Triskelion

A

A brandished cane k. 1. A hard-on pulled from the air; the act of creating false vapors. 2. The outcome of a Stabbin' Hat initiative. 3. The hierarchical activation-metaphor used in the early 1990's as a Farm Blog substitution mechanism — a complete literary failure, but surprisingly successful on DVD. 4. The instrument of severe discipline.

See Also

• Mortification
• Run!
• The Worship of Dongs

AA (tng.) Abbreviation and common form of Accidental Associationalism. Not to be confused with Alcoholics Anonymous, the Argentum Astrum or any other quasi-religious organization bearing these two initials.

"Although we speak of 'The AA' and 'AA'ers,' it should be noted that 'AA' has never represented any formally chartered or established group as such, but a group of individuals and groups so-chartered, bound together in a loose affiliation based on shared ideals and camaraderie."

-- Lollop Whitley, Dogs for Checkers: AA Symboliosis and Distance Language, introduction to the 1986 edition, University of Kansas Press.

AA has also stood for:

• Accidental Action
• Association of Association
• Associatio Amicorum

See Also

• The 3rd A
• Mark One
• Who We Are

AA'ers (foax) Participants in the AA.

The term was originally used in Field Agent Smedley Wissock's report to his superiors at the FBI dated October 4, 1968: Internal Report 27a, 1967: The AA and Satellite Organs, Threat Factors and Subversive Tendencies. In a sporty display of life imitating fiction, participants in the group began using the term for themselves. It now refers both to original personages from the Who We Are era and those of the current manifestation known as The Second Advance.

Extrapolation

Wissock was an undercover FBI agent working his way up the saboteur ladders when a nefarious assignment led him to Balthazar Buehb and subsequently the AA. Wissock, often fueled by Dewey Rose's acerbic vitriol, envisioned a wildly complicated AA Conspiracy whose perfidy would have made Jonathon Trenchwheat smile. And it was so that Wissock unknowingly advanced much of the apocryphal mythos associated with today's AA . Wissock, a vehement racist, intoxicated on a homemade concoction of sodium pentathlon and Everclear, failed to complete his plan to firebomb Stimes Addisson's residence when he was spooked by the sight of Mazzistow Carrington and Bashy Gupta exiting. Wissock was eventually dismissed from the force due to security clearance concerns, and it was later determined that Smedley suffered from acute schizophrenia.

See Also

• Psy-op
• Revelation of the Method
• Three Blind Mice

ablation (a.) 1. Surgical excisement of a body part or tissue mass for the purposes of purification or gnostic experience; auto-amputation. 2. The removal or reduction of psychic material from the accomplished. 3. The dissipation of identity by means of analogy. 4. Sacrificing part of the self to save the whole. 5. euph. Suicide, self-immolation, egocide.

"then throws his stump into the upper window it lands upright" — Hot Night of The Universe

Extrapolation

Exactly!

Non Canonical Text

"And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell ... And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter halt into life, than having two feet to be cast into hell ... And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire…." — Mark 9:43-48. King James Bible. "Incidents of auto-amputation in nature trace an inverted bell-curve against intelligence. At the low end, insects, for example, will often eat a leg by accident, and lizards will inadvertently shed a tail when startled. At the upper end, we find foxes chewing off their legs to escape traps and humans chipping off fingers from sheer ennui. But in the middle lies this fuzzy area where we willing plant our cocks -- if you can find it." —- Dapper Clementine. A Nature Lover's Guide to Loving in Nature. University of Minnesota Press, Minneapolis. 1971.

"In the death of soldier or the starvation of a peasant, we rejoice -- for We Are One, and the heroic sacrifice of one reflects the heroism of all."

— Proclamation 13. Stalin (see Egg).

"The lucky Christian in heaven looks back upon death as the ablation of body from soul which purified the self. Likewise, the dead Gnostic may rejoice in the purity of pneuma gained through the sloughing of the flesh. Buddhists, on the other hand, view Nirvana as an absorption, wherein the self is lost or dissipated as the one becomes all. Likewise, marriage or nationalism may be seen as an absorption, wherein one’s identity is lost to a collective, while divorce or desertion may be viewed as a type of ablation".

— a lecture from the annoying professor (what was her name?) [see Note 1]

See Also

• Alice in Wonderland Syndrome (http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=24174)
• Body Integrity Identity Disorder (http://literature.sdsu.edu/2005/spring/301/amputationpsyche.pdf)
• Mad Work
• Moist Air
• Penis Removal (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis_removal)
• The Worship of Dongs
• The Worship of Tits
• Vapor

Desiderata

Adult circumcision is the most common form of Poobian physical ablation. Self-castration is a close second.

I like having a detachable penis. -- King Missle

Kokopelli, a fertility deity and trickster god--usually depicted as a humpbacked flute player and who is worshiped by many Native American tribes in the Southwestern United States--is often depicted with an oversized phallus. According to Wikipedia, Ho-Chunk lore relates that "this penis is detachable, and he sometimes leaves it in a river in order to have sex with girls who bathe there."

The Top Ten reasons to auto-amputate, as culled from Letterman:

10. Cleave a toe to impress the ladies! 9. Lop off a trigger finger to avoid the draft! 8. Loosen your nuts to relieve those pesky pedophilic urges! 7. Eat your own legs to avoid starvation! Beat the cannibal at his own game! 6. Snip off your foreskin to improve the sensations! 5. Clip off an ear and go as Van Gogh for Halloween! 4. Prune a pinky to look like a Chinese gangster! 3. Wallop off your hands and join the Anahinthan! 2. Wack off your cock. It feels good. 1. Check that ego, young man.

Notes

Activities related to ablation include:

• Absorption - Just as running and stopping are opposite points of reference on a scale of motion, absorption and excisement are referential extremities of identity and loss through ablation.
• Apotemnophilia - The rare and dangerous condition of deriving sexual gratification from auto-amputation.
• Auto-amputation - The physical removal of one’s own body parts by one’s self or with one’s permission.
• Bucking Up - Drawing on one’s inner resources to cast out fears; mental ablation wherein courage is derived by the removal of woosiness.
• Exorcism - Casting out demons to purify the soul.
• Brain Surgeries - Trepanning removes a portion of the skull with the intent of created an opened head. Tumor removal purifies the brain. Lobotomies remove the function of the prefrontal cortex to alleviate aggression. Epileptics may remove the corpus collsum to sever the left and right hemispheres of the brain.
• Pruning - Physical ablation of a horticultural nature; also used in reference to Darwinian evolution wherein a species is empowered by the pruning of weaker members.
• Extrapolation - To arrive at the essence, truth, or a state of purity via inference, deduction, humor, or extension.
• Extracting - Withdrawing the desired. If you keep what you withdraw, you are extracting. If you shed what you withdraw, you are ablating or pruning.

Note 1: It was Dr. "Alamo" Jane Jenkins, of the University of Boston. And don't forget it.

Adidian (adj.) A term much debated among disanarcassits, Adidian has been posited as works, relations betweeen humans and the claptrap hovering in between "the bits which matter."

See Also

• Stimso Adid

alcove (n.) 1. Hold that fucking shot!, he cried, a planar bevel. 2.a. Where prospective Gnome Scouts wait in anticipation of their initiation, each an expert. 2.b. More than a niche, less than a cave, equal to combinations.

Extrapolation

Alcoves enjoy an unusual attention from scholars who have failed to attract the respect of fellow scholars and the larger, more profitable expanse of public interest. One could, after all, study the comparably more exciting field of decapitation, breast-thronging or jew-baiting -- but a certain sector of the academic field devotes itself to the intricate investigation of this seemingly banal form of architectural filigree.

An alcove is usually a small space in a room, formed by one part of a wall being further back than the parts on each side. Ideally suited for bookshelves and the like, in certain circles the alcove is empty and hidden by a kind of curtain or ornamental tapestry. Thus concealed, it serves as a spot for eavesdropping. Once considered the ideal manner of discerning private information, the alcove has since fallen out of fashion after it was discovered that sudden gusts of wind can "tip-off" those being listened too. Prior to this, it had been discovered that curtains which had been cut too short were also a giveaway, as the shoes of careless eavesdroppers could often be seen protruding from underneath. Electronic devices, known as "bugs," or lip-readers with telescopes are now the preferred method of collecting discrete information. Yet traditionalists still insist upon the alcove as an indispensible tool, and one can still find them in manor houses and hotels across the globe.

See Also

• Peep-Hole
• Televy Gide

Desiderata

Alcoves have served as a critical plot foil in many a nail-biting scene of Lil' AA.

alembic (kl.) 1. An apparatus consisting of two vessels connected by a tube, used for distilling liquids. 2. A device or entity that purifies through the agency of fume or vapor. 3. Any action or object which purifies according to the methods of sublimation, transmutation, removal, ablation.

Extrapolation

The alembic was put on the map by the actions of several individuals operating under C.I.A. scrutiny but who under torture insisted they were in fact secret negroes working to placate that portion of the pleroma responsible for running the dye-works. Thus could they cut to the quick. Later research, obviously tainted by canonical beliefs, identified the actors as homo-sexuals whose ultimate goal was the destruction of the family.

See Also

• Bath-Marie

Algonquin (n.) 1. A Native American people who inhabited most of the Canadian region south of Hudson Bay between the Rockies and the Atlantic Ocean. 2. A hotel in Manhattan. 3. A slur from a drunkard. 4. euph. A phrase used to indicate one's immediate departure.

See Also

• Cowled child
• The League of Men with Fancy Gloves
• Run!

Altar(s) (nplssd.) 1. Geomantic loci wheron Gods can be the object of direct human communication; the one way post-stop of Hope, Faith and Interlocution. 2. Any man-made object, or space, which seemingly produces praeterhuman phenomena. 3. The stage for a ritual sacrifice; a crematory.

Extrapolation

AA'ers are known to collect small artifacts and curios of some personal significance or interest -- often with a comical aspect -- and to display them in a quasi-reverent fashion within a frame or on a shelf. Objects are sometimes presented ironically, but rarely without at least a sprinkling of earnest admiration and devotion. Sometimes incense is burned and bits of fruit and/or small shot glasses of alcohol left as offerings. Often a symbol of something feared or despised is placed upon these altars in the hopes that the altar's power will somehow lead to its destruction or defeat.

See Also

• Augury
• Desiderata
• Fallen Stone
• Mirtha
• Tomb

ana-associational (ju.) 1. A cognitive incident which though entirely unapparent, appears to exist prior to the instance of its creation.

See also

• Augury
• Associational
• Autotelic
• Poob Culture

ape (v.) 1. When you're angry at something, and you can't describe it, exactly like a deliberation of Thanksgiving, concerning the impossible situation -- earlier described -- of migrating your entire apartment, using only the calories available through an average morning breakfast, usually measured by a mathematical formula that emulates the mass created by an unusually dense occurrence of midgets, most of which appear to be smoking cigars. 2. To imitate, esp. in a mocking manner. 3. n. A hairy and ferocious beast that lives in jungles and shits.

Usage

"Somehow the rumor that William Flintrock is "hairy as an ape" has been making the rounds. Recently as yesterday I heard it. When we hiked the GR10 in the Pyrenées last month, we went swimming. It just isn't true." -- Steven Adkins, June, 2003.

Arab Countries (np.) A series of national monuments erected entirely as an excuse to use the word erected in daily newsprint; a clobbish leap at so-called "psy-op" -- including t-shirt, poster sales we made a fucking mint.

Non-Canonical Text

"...clustered around the Arabian Peninsula founded by a man as he chased an enormous White Whale."

See Also

• Desert Shield II
• Fallen Stone

architect's hand (gdly.) League of Gnomes term for the Unseen Hand.

Non-Canonical Text

"Here the architect’s hand seems mighty as a god’s. Houses appear and disappear at his whim – the people whose lives are radically changed by the activities of this hand are nowhere to be seen; they are given no part in these processes."

Asian Thumb (rok.) 1. A collection of pornographic pictures featuring Asian women, presented as "thumbnails", ay ficare resized to a smaller proportion for group viewing. 2. The beautiful made banal; a mundanity which achieves apotheotic stature. 3. The most advanced of all the thumbs, a pollex a priori. 4. A Beta Chimp prog-rock band.

See Also

• Ritual Murder
• Asian Thumbs on The Internet

asp (n.) 1. A venomous snake, esp. an adder or cobra. 2. One characterized by charm and a devious intelligence; a tempter or temptress; a sneak.

"Beauty -- An Asp!"

-- password used by various AA groups to differentiate invited guests from clampers.

"My dear Kepler, what would you say of the learned here, who, replete with the pertinacity of the asp, have steadfastly refused to cast a glance through the telescope? What shall we make of this? Shall we laugh, or shall we cry?"

-- Letter from Galileo Galilei to Johannes Kepler.

"And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den."

-- Isa. 11:8, prophesying on the Messiah's reign, King James Bible.

See Also

• God

ass (ts.) 1. That which is sat upon, yet poops; eng. arse. 2. A member of the horse family Equidae; a donkey, mule, horse, zebra, or onager. 3. Colloq., awesome, as in badass; also, the opposite, as in jackass or this tastes like ass. 4. The buttocks of a human.

Extrapolation

"The Ass is transformation and stubbornness, dipshit. Where's my beer?" -- A drunken Stimes Addisson, 1993, Mustang Sally's, Tampa, to Steven Adkins.

"The supposed categorization of Mormo Worship as a form of Tit Worship is in error. Mormo Worshippers are, in fact, predominantly ass men of the most profound sort." -- Bashy Gupta, lecturing at the Copenhagen Poob Research Institute.

Non Canonical Text

"Other poets have warbled the praises of the soft eye of the ostrich, and the lovely plumage of the bird that never alights; less celestial, I celebrate the tail ... The compact round body of its root expands into two broad, firm, flat palms ... At the crotch or junction, these flukes slightly overlap, then sideways recede from each other like wings, leaving a wide vacancy between. In no living thing are the lines of beauty more exquisitely defined than in the crescentic borders of these ... its flexions are invariably marked by exceeding grace. Therein no fairy's arms can transcend it ... The more I consider this mighty tail, the more do I deplore my inability to express it. At times there are gestures in it, which, though they would well grace the hand of man, remain wholly inexplicable." -- Melville. Moby-Dick.

See Also

• Glasspants
• Pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey
• Transpants

Associationalism (n.) Without a lattice upon which to string our cognition, Association is meaningless. It becomes Accident. That's how we started the fisticuffs bit.

The chimp on skates is the right leg, after the invisible hand erases your text. The desire to see pigs in clouds, order in boobaloob, read tea leaves, Donald Duck Tarot, to see the fingerprint of God in a turd and its shape in relationship to the croissant you ate for breakfast, the lack of revelation, the construction, the collage the palimpsest of gluebacked fluttering we use to construct our soul advertisement to salvation a.k.a. meaning a.k.a. fun.

Remember: Association is like running vapor through an alembic.

The AARG debated this point in circles, two people often ending up where the other had left off, changing position like so many pairs of pants in motion. AA activity is now generally known as Associationalism.

Paranoia is often considered a form of pathological Association. Salvador Dali once remarked that "Addisson was on the ball, much like a masturbating egret, eating your mother's bald head, will drip like a sparrow into a golden tumour, otherwise known as an egg in pants."

See Also

• Accidentalism
• Incidentalism

augury (n.) 1. The art or practice of predicting the future; divination. 2. An attempt to solidify vapor by removing the accident. 3. The movement of chance, particularized in advance by poets, seers or persons otherwise in the know.

Usage

"...aruspicy, hepatoscopy, scapulimancy, animal sacrifice, ritualized murder...look, kid, I'm telling ya -- if ya wanna control the future, ya gotta kill somethin'..."

Extrapolation

Scene: Lucretia Borges (that infamous clamper and founder of The 3rd A) and Alexandre Dacusse (looking about impatiently) -- both bellied up at local Bronx watering hole. Camera holds on the street corner, momentarily bare, a pleadingly flat shot. Eventually, a figure emerges, then two. They appear to speak.

(smoking a cigarette that is thin, in the european style, unlit)

Borges: "Well, you could, to be sure, chase the whole issue back to free will and what not, but don't you think that's a rather pedestrian attempt to camouflage the obvious religious symbology behind such universal occurrences?"

(still attached to his dumforqu¹  , it's mechanical carapace causing slight discomfort, easily shrugged)

Dacusse: "WTF."

"I'm made of fire." screeches the ballooning tremor of the Nigerian taxi driver, his head, his race, his intention, bald.

Blinking, Dacusse: "Is that some kind of hallucination?"

Lucretia, lifted inches from the pavement, eyes the size of Jefferson Dimes

Non Canonical Text

"Augury is closely related to attempts to control the future. Part of the thinking is that prediction grants one power -- power that can be used to control. But the relationship is more complex. Sacrifice, for example, is used to appease, appeal to, or otherwise manipulate the gods. But the entrails of these same animals are then examined like tea leaves to predict the future". -- John Wickle on Mormo Cults

"Borges has... devoted [much] thought (and money) to this -- though she seems to have really missed the boat. Her writings on the "precognitive dissassociation of the cause behind the action" have yielded such substantial misunderstanding and confusion regarding The Great Schism of the Third AA International Conference that she has been accused of a smear campain by no less than Nevid Kessar". -- John Wickle on Lucretia Borges

See Also

• Ear
• Geloscopy
• Geomachy
• Ritual Murder

Desiderata

Augury was the name of Mazzistow Carrington's sole and only, singular, aside from the many, love.

The ancient Mayans based battle plans on the placement of seeds inside ritually sacrificed melons.

Good luck!

Note 1: You ditch me? What are you doing that tub shit gets annoying -- Johanna.

auto poob cluster (APC) n. 1. Autonomic Poob grouping tactic, structured along organic lines and evolving without conscious direction. 2. The nuclear family unit, consisting of a mother, a father, and one or more children. 3. A suburb; most of America.

See Also

• Auto-Colonialism
• Hansard's Guide to Refreshing Sheep

Auto-Colonialism (n.) A doctrine espoused by Mazzistow Carrington decrying the Death of Everything, which posited that for the most part, people are responsible for their own enslavement. "Entertainment" is re-defined as Death or Something Else. Symptoms include excessive TV watching and a distrust of nature.

Carrington is a preparing to reissue his seminal essays on the subject, re-tooled to explain the results of the 2004 U.S. Presidential Election.

See Also

• Poob
• Poob Bargain
• Poob Culture

autotelic (vap.) 1. Phenomena containing self-created anassociational auto-ascribed meaning; that which manufactures by its essense a closed circle of human understanding; furth. that which is its own end. 2. Thoughts which necessitate themselves, symbolically represented as an ouroboros. 3. The disconcerting fatalism of accidents which arrive pre-associated.

See Also

• Fumes
• Geomachy

B

BBQ (bbq) The barbecue is a ritual enjoyed all over the world. In Latin America is is called a barbacoa, or an asado and even the Hawaiians get in on the action at a Luau. Many philologists believe that the word came into English via Spanish from the Taíno Indians of the Caribbean; the French maintain that it comes from putting a spit through an animal from barbe (beard) à (to) queue (tail). Whatever the origin, however, it is an almost universally recognized symbol of "good eats." The word in this sense not only denotes the event, but the style of cooking.

In America, the word has a variety of linguistic forms, sometimes but not strictly delineated along cultural lines. Ex-Black Panther and chef Bobby Seale maintains that any black restaurant worth its salt calls it "BBQ." White people of the working class know it as the "Bar-B-Q." Denizens of the suburbs go for the more proper "barbecue." As a matter of fact, the variants are used freely among all groups, but the statistical division is an intriguing area for further study.

Whatever the appellation, the ritual is the same. A fire is made. Succulent meats such as pork, chicken, beef, and even ostrich are consumed. The simplest and perhaps most commonly-used meats come in the form of hot dogs, sausages and hamburgers, but barbecue menus can be much more sophisticated. Usually, beer is consumed in great quantities.

Every year, the AA holds a barbecue called the Incidentalist Dead Flesh Bonanza, which includes a fiery chili cookoff.

See Also

• Mazzistow Carrington
• Heartplug

Desiderata

Texans are liable to shoot anyone claiming that Wisconsin is the king of the BBQ. None-the-less, Cheeseheads hold more BBQs per capita than Longhorns. But since Wisconsin BBQs tend to involve boiling foreign meats like "brats" and generally include no barbecue sauce, the Texans may be kings after all.

Banana slut, you? (np.) A company specializing in fine men's pants started by Stimes Addisson and Stimso Adid in 1984, with the financial backing of unseen partners widely suspected to be Yakuza.

BSY?, as hipsters and jet-setters worldwide know it, was the culmination of a lifelong dream held by Adid. He was the inspiration and prime-mover. Addisson, though a member of the board and a fashion consultant, was there to support his old comrade. Together, with almost no knowledge of the fashion industry but between them a wealth of expertise developed over the years as connoisseurs of fine pants, they created a small but reputable firm whose products are sworn by all over the world.

Their one marketing mistake seems to have been caused by the lure of easy money dangled before them by the producers of the International Male catalogue. They badly damaged their reputation by going glam with a series of breezy legwear, using their patented Gilga-mesh fabric, which looked as though it would be more at home in cheesy European gay bars than along the boardwalk. The line was withdrawn and some good-natured self-mockery by Adid on the talk show circuit saved the day; today the pants are a much sought-after item among ironic rich kids.

Bangcock Willie's

Philadelphia bar frequented by underworld types and the more thuggish elements of The League of Gnomes. Somehow, it became the leading gay bar of its era for five or maybe, twelve minutes. It receives an email from a long-lost friend.

"BW's," or "Willie's," opened in 1947 and originally served a rowdy crew of roustabouts and circus performers. It soon became a strange mixture of criminals and homosexuals, given that proprietor Saul Thebo was himself heavily involved with both subcultures.

It was the scene of the infamous Showdown Post Facto between Alexandre Dacusse and Ryan O'Donnely in 1968.

After Thebo's death in 1977, the bar fell on hard times and was closed when the neighborhood became gentrified during the 1980's. The building was soon transformed into a dry-cleaners, coincidentially owned by a young couple from Bangkok, Thailand.

Barataria

Sancho Panza, greedy fool, imagined that he could follow his noble knight, Don Quixote, to riches; he lept when offered governship of Barataria, but the island was pure invention, pranksters riffing off "barato," the Spanish word for cheap.

Centuries later, the phantasmic isle inspired the Spanish settlers who applied the name Barataria to the mouth of the Mississippi river. Three islands lay low in the Bay of Barataria; though prone to disappearing entirely under hard rains, their strategic and semi-tropical location led to a colorful and decadent history.

Jean Lafitte took up residence there in the early 1800s; establishing himself as Sancho's heir apparent in the Kingdom of Barataria, he held rein over a misfit collection of pirates, runaway slaves, and deserters. With imported prostitutes, smuggled rum, and a simple piratanical code, Lafitte established an easy-going live-and-let-live island life.

Guarding the mouth of the mighty river-road, Lafitte kept safe passage for U.S. ships while plundering French, Spanish, and British traders. His "kingdom" managed a sort of quasi-recognized fiefdom-status with the various national players in the area; the United States and the Independent Republic of West Florida held more naturally favorable relations than did the European Colonial powers.

The quick rise and fall of West Florida led to interesting times. Lafitte lent a hand to the rebellion, helping to secure a short-lived independence for the miniature nation. And when Madison proclaimed U.S. control of West Florida, Lafitte welcomed West Floridian soldiers looking to maintain a last holdout.

As there was really little chance that the West Floridians in Barataria could offer any real resistance to the U.S., the "holdout" turned into a debauched party; women and booze, money and fists flew as wild and as loose as befit such end-of-times. A.W. Slippers is rumored to have hunkered down in Barataria with the Albert Kook Gang during these mad apocalyptic days. The privateers in Barataria were eventually pardoned in a deal worked out by their former governor, Fulwar Skipwith, a colorful associate of the Founding Fathers.

See Also

• BBQ
• Florida
• Manatee

Desiderata

Low-slung, free-wheeling, sea-bobbing, & short-lived, Barataria strikes parallels with numerous micro-nations, including Wee-Wee.

A malt liquor marketed towards African Americans is still sold in parts of Louisiana under the name of Barataria. Although named after the obscure micro-nation, the Gothic script lends the brew a distinctly Germanic image; for years the brew's mascot has been the Black Baron, a coal-black WWI Ace with a thick Bavarian accent. In 1976, the campaign for the beer, playing upon bicentennial fervor, was patriotic in nature. The ads featured a smooth-talking Crispus Attucks, who rolled up to the local juke-joint in knee-breeches, powdered wig and cool shades, winning over the dubious locals with a witty repartee and a few glistening bottles of his favorite brew.

bath-marie n.al. 1. A device which facilitates intermediary states of matter, used in alchemical and drug-related pursuit. 2. AA parlance for a bong.

Extrapolation

"Who uses the bath-marie these days, young pups ain't got shit on me, goddam, when I was a youth we put all types of vegetables or any other damn thing in one of them fuckers...."

See Also

• Alexandre Dacusse

Desiderata

Magical place between mix and puree

Beanstalk Hero Myths

In the English-speaking world, every child is familiar with the tale of Jack and the Beanstalk. A naïve young man (Jack) trades his cow for some "magic beans" that produce an enormous beanstalk by which he ascends to the clouds--and the home of a malevolent giant. Jack is captured but escapes with the aid of the giant’s wife, taking along a hen that lays golden eggs. Jack is a greedy boy however, and ascends once again, this time to steal a harp, which, as it turns out, resents being taken. The harp's cries for help attract the giant, who pursues Jack down the stalk. Jack, once safely on the ground, attacks the stalk with an axe, felling it and killing the giant. This tale, both alchemical parable and re-telling of the Prometheus myth, is in turn based upon the older story of Jack the Giant Killer, a tale about a youth who encounters a series of five giants which through cunning and magical assistance he is able to defeat. He even removes the last giant's head and sends it to King Arthur.

Although generally believed to have originated upon Old England's shores, what most people do not realize is that these tales derive from legends native to the Baltic Sea area--Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, etc. In these original tales, "Jaani" unwittingly retrieves a "magic stone" from an unscrupulous merchant who is unaware of its value. (In Baltic versions Jaani gives up his pig, and not a cow.) Under the stone's influence Jaani becomes corrupted; it gives him strange powers of insight that lead to unnatural economic windfalls. He climbs higher and higher in the social hierarchy, eventually challenging the aristocracy, the king, spirit beings and finally, the gods themselves. For his arrogance, Janni is hung upside down from atop a tall tree and his stone hidden away in an unknown place, although some variants say the stone was placed in a jar at the center of the sun.

Dr. Jeanne-Marie Sicre is the first scholar to have linked these tales with Elysius Dubord's brilliant writings on the origin of Mormo and the Sumerian Mommo (see Fallen Stone). She has also managed to link the stories, following the Mormo connection, to the story of the Owl King, a man legend says was turned to stone by the gods (or, in later versions, by God) for daring to set himself as their (his) equal. What is remarkable about her thesis is that legends from Iraq, the Baltic Sea and Southern France are linked in such a way as to suggest a common origin.

See Also

• Procreation Myths

Desiderata

More radical members of the Albion Jack-and-the-Beanstalk Story-Tellers Guild have issued a fatwa against Dr. Sicre for proposing that the myth is not native to British soil.

The Israeli Creation Myth is based on a similar tale wherein Jacob climbed a ladder and wrestled with God. When Jacob "overcame" his "struggle", God renamed him Israel and he founded a nation.

bee b. 1. A totem animal of the AA, notable for their dances and springing jigs

Extrapolation

Krystine Monitzer, Associationalist dollmaker, has a hive in her heart, and the stirring buzzes in her ears and stings her tongue. Send butter; the baby is warm.

See Also

• Auto-Colonial Bee
• Honeybees
• Moist Air

Beer (drk.) Consumed by AA'ers of all stripes in great quantity. Believed to be invented by Egyptians. Currently made by all peoples of the earth. Mormons don't usually drink it unless commaded to by Mormo, in as yet to be illuminated obscure rituals.

Usage

"Do not cease to drink beer, to eat, to intoxicate thyself, to make love, and to celebrate the good days." -- ancient Egyptian creed

See Also

• Heavy drinking
• Second AA International Conference

bicycle n. 1. Two-wheeled human-powered transporter. 2. To rotate between two lovers.

Extrapolation

With the bicycle came the need for the modern road, bloomers¹ , and modern machine shops. Two of these three inventions "paved" the way for the tank. The bike and the tank famously did battle in Vietnam, where it was found that the bike and the tank were equals in war -- if there were no machine guns. As there are, in fact, many, many machine guns in Vietnam, the tank has been driven to oblivion.

See Also

• David Payne
• League of American Wheelmen

Notes

Note 1: "Of course I'm wearing pants! See -- here are my bloomers!" -- an indignant, pant-less roller-blader, lifting her shirt while arguing with a beer-soden Payne in the VFW last night

Desiderata

The bicycle is the most efficient means of non-verbal communication.

...overcoming drag requires raw power. -- Wikipedia

David E. H. Jones (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_E._H._Jones) has a peculiar habit of creating self-proclaimed "un-rideable bicycles" and then publishing papers explaining how he rides them with ease.

"Sociologists suggest that bicycles enlarged the gene pool for rural workers by enabling them to easily reach the next town and increase their courting radius." -- Wikipedia

A boneshaker is not a sexual device. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Motorcyclists call speed wobbles "tank slappers".

Black Irish n. 1. An inhabitant of Albion or it's environs prior to it's invasion by the Celts; a Pict. 2. A western man posessing either black hair or brown eyes, meaning that his forebears slept with slavegirls or possibly with the infidel Moors -- quite likely with donkeys or pigs. 3. A shittier sort of bloke, capable of all things shitty. 4. An evil Irishman.

Usage

"I can tin a scar, peanod over the unctual -- but I can't wink at a black Irishman." - William Faulkner, from My Oreoscopic Vitupe (1948).

See Also

• Ainu
• Neadertal
• William Flintrock

Desiderata

Black Irish who came the U.S. have been mistaken for Catholics and ne'er do wells -- though this assumption has only made them richer! Quite the king is he whose race is golden.

bleezy scot. 1. Affected by alcohol or similar intoxicant; besmirched by besottedness (The red-faced and bleezy-eyed Santa's days were numbered). 2. Wacky tobaccy. 3. An affable street urchin who irregularly graced the Lil' AA strip.

Usage

"Never that homie... Trust, the first one is NOT still wrapped in plastic, and even get a lil play in the hoo-ride... Flamin hot CHEETOES w/ lime!!!! So... $2 & the Highlife'll getcha some muzak... I might even choke a bleezy wit the first taker!" -- posted by Pete Parka¹  on 602 Streets Dot Com (http://602streets.com/publicforum/showthread.php?t=16307)

See Also

• Bolt
• Dewey Rose

Notes

Note 1: "pete parka is not a member of any public groups" (referenced as above).

Desiderata

Bleezy was the inspiration for the seeming incongruous Mr. Magoo and Rudolph-the-red-nosed-reindeer.

blimp n. 1. A sandwich of huge proportion. 2. A clandestine form of communication used by Solomon Witte to speak with headquarters on matters of hygiene, diet and proper dress; unfortunately, not clandestine at all. 3. A flying watermelon; a metaphor that threatens you with imposing air-filled sacs. 4. A fat chick, according to a young Ahmed Capra.

See Also

• Flap
• Run!

Desiderata

Eccentric aviator Art Doll piloted a blimp named Stimso's Gumption from Dayton, Ohio, to his death over the mid-Atlantic in June, 2003. Made entirely of light-weight pants and German coat hangers, the imposing dirigible was fabricated to resemble an enormous flying pancake.

Blind man norp. 1. A person, usually a man, who is deprived of sight. 2. A numbskull. 3. An unusually non-perceptive individual. 4. A sailor's knot originating in Brittany, traditionally ascribed to one Loïc Tanguy (circa 1776).

Extrapolation

At the 3rd AA International Conference, the Associationalists began referring to the Accidentalists as "blind men." One misguided clamper, for example, tried to impress Verna Cable with his wit: leaning over his cocktail, he slurred, "How many Accidentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None! Blind men don’t use lights!" She responded with a knee to the groin. “Oops,” she grinned, "My foot must’a slipped, honey. Well, with any luck now, you’ll associate me with aching nuts." The poor chap was seen later puking in alley, blindingly drunk.

See Also

• Argy Boy
• Blind Man's Bluff
• Eye
• Three Blind Mice

Desiderata

Blind men make great musicians -- and pets!

blindingly drunk now 1. The result of heavy drinking; the primary cause of fisticuffs. 2. euph Poobian mindset. 3. To strive forward quickly, into the unknown.

Usage

"Beer is proof that God loves us." -- Benjamin Franklin

"There are no stars, Captain." -- "King Kong." The new version.

See Also

• Blind Man
• BBQ
• Incidentalist Dead Flesh Bonanza
• Sausage vison

Boer n. (br, bôr, br) 1. A form of insult, usually directed at Men of Science, referencing to that group's predilection for bloviating at length about subjects generally regarded as boring or meaningless. 2. After meals, a disparaging proclamation regarding the quality of the food. 3. A white South-African of Dutch origin (aka Afrikaaner).

Usage

"Madam, the venision is staggeringly boer." -- issued as a dangerous proclamation by night, thoroughly cute, a little sweet.

See Also

• Logos
• Mack Calvin

boing (!) A noise acompanied by springs, especially in coin-operated Punch and Judy shows.

See Also

• Boer
• Bath-Marie

Desiderata

Alexandre Dacusse often mistook this word to mean "bong," a faux pas usually leading to mirth in all present.

bolt btk 1. To fasten or make fast, the locking of a door or entry way; the placement of barriers to progress. 2. To flee suddenly, to engage in energetic egression, to move away, fully; i.e embarassed, he bolted from the party. 3. An ill-used Gnomic euphemism for ritual murder by strangulation often involving the use of string, tangled yo-yo's, a wooden spoon or double-gloved hands. 4. The female counterpart of a screw, plainly, a nut. 5. Used as shorthand, or in quip, for "lightning bolt".

Extrapolation

The citizens of ancient western societies are believed to have worshipped bolts of lightning, in the form of radically charged air, often witnessed gasping surrounded by such, kneeling perhaps and certainly viewing the phenomena as a kind of very elaborate whuppin' from on yon.

Kicking and screaming, the boy was dragged down to the Lithuanian prostitute.....

Ho! I've seen smaller rack on a buck!

Non Canonical Text

"...the lumbering idle-brained beast, head bolted on askew, moaning in agony and desire like a priest in jolly confession..."

See Also

• Knot
• Run!

Desiderata

Superheroes often sub for meaningful shit that would otherwise langour in stoned silence.

The missile fired from a crossbow is known as a bolt.

Suffering from a cleft lip, Argy Boy referred to his wife's beauty as "a bold and short fellow, flailing obdurately, who arrived in the exactly opposite manner thus described."

Many people have bolt-fetishes.

boneyard n. 1. A cemetery -- quite literally, a yard of bones. 2. A hospital or nursing home. 3. A human being, particularly in reference to destination. 4. A type of sailor's knot originating in Nova Scotia. 5. A cityscape dominated by skyscrapers. 6. A homo-sexual dance club or drinking establishment.

Non Canonical Text

"In consequence, the U.S. remains buried in Korea can never be recovered but are bound to be reduced to earth with the flow of time." -- Foriegn Ministry spokesperson, N. Korea.

....floating desperately, hanging on to a gelatinous hook from the sky....the Ace of Spades presented to the hungry void....see Holy Grail

Extrapolation

Mazzistow Carrington's grand opening of the rib-joint Boneyards was greeted with a Philadelphia brotha'-lovin' gala.

Ryan O'Donnely saw otherwise. In his eyes, this new-found BBQ competition was a declaration of war, and he had the vast resources of his O'Donnely's Ribhouse and Honkytonk restaurant chain behind him. Coupons and half-priced deals were scatter-bombed to the public; blimps soared across the skies hailing Ryan as the BBQ-king; prank calls were lobbed into the Boneyards kitchen.

Mazzistow, meanwhile, stood tall, elbow-deep in rich, velvety sauce, nostrils like eyes for the blind. His ribs were impeccable. The lines were soon drawn on race, a dangerous division in times of national race riots.

When the Boneyards burnt to the ground, 1967, one winter night under mysterious circumstances, no one was surprised, least of all Mazzistow. The local Afro-american press decried a tale of woe, broken dreams, and heartache. Mazzitow, meanwhile, laughed all the bank, well-planned insurance policy in hand. Rumors ran rampant, but smart cash was 10 to 1 on a Ryan-induced fire. Mazzistow, rich, slipped off quietly, last half-seen dissolving into the swelling Brazilian metropolises.

In 1974, Mazzistow was suddenly everywhere again, serving ribs to The Champ in Zaire, mediating the Bathurst Gaol prison riots, backing vocals on Ronnie Wood's first solo effort. Mazzistow was not amused, but he bit his tongue, let bygones be bygones, so long as Mazzistow kept out of the BBQ business.

In 1985, Mazzistow published his now-famous cookbook. In 1986, Ryan died.

See Also

• Dead Body
• Death Cults
• Ritual Murder

Desiderata

Work-a-day environs can become boneyards, easily, and often.

Steven Vogeler's Associationalist Composition No.1 features a passage referred to as Brought up in a Boneyard.

A short-story by Alfred Bester, By Leaps and Bounds, features a character named Winthrop Boneyard who can teleport himself for a maximum distance of 3.14 "neo-meters."

bood-lyre dand. 1. A vulgarisation of Bottled Air, the term refers to verse peddled on the streets of New York City in the 1930's, as a substitute for intricate piping. 2. William Flintrock's somewhat denigrating pet name for French poet Charles Baudelaire, as featured in his two act drama, Pork Pie Hat.

See Also

• Amway-Styled Poetry Samples
• Dime Bag of Verse

bruce n. 1. St. Petersburg (Florida) slang for beer, a generative pun (i.e., brews). 2. The act of folding one's clothes meticulously. 3. A surprisingly nude man.

See Also

• Pants
• Poobites
• Tampa
• Twack

Buer is said to be a "president of hell" and a "demon of the second order" who commands 50 legions, but it is generally believed by those in the know that the number is somewhere on the order of 27. His form is that of a five-branched star or wheel, and he moves by rolling himself. Buer teaches philosophy and logic but is also skilled in curing the sick and giving good familiars.

See Also

• Cartwheels of Grace
• Gingerbread Man
• Johnny Cake
• Mormo
• Triskelion

bun hmmmm 1. A gallimaufry breading; sausage container best tasted with Kraut. 2. Half an ass. 3. Ball of hair, knotted on back of a female head. 4. A split roll; edible, pastry ball with two halves, crossed, baked, and buttered.

See Also

• BBQ
• Hot dog
• Punch and Judy
• Smooch

Desiderata

Bum is British for quim.

Butter and Egg Man n. 1. A man of money who spends lavishly and is an easy prey of the gold-digger and other unscrupulous persons. 2. In AA parlance, an indispensable person; without him, there are no pancakes.

See Also

• Tommy the bookie

Camel n. 1. A desert going vessel popular in Africa and Arab Countries; an oont. 2. A peddler of Stinking Weed. 3. Half the source of numerous hybrids.

Extrapolation

Steven Adkins once raced a camel for a space of some 50 yards before passing through the eye of a needle.

Caul

cowled child n. 1. A child born in big deficits of light, in darkness basically, but effulgent in the extreme, gasping for new breaths neath a forehead sheaf. 2. A congenital defect, particularly one which emerges from the head and dangles afore the eyes. 3. Archaic A foetus, especially one immersed yet by amniotic fluids. 4. Tuf. Street slang for an uncircumcised penis, an unshaved dong, a chinaman. 5. Obs. An enclosure or ensnarement.1 6. A condom.

Emerging Veiled

The cult of the cauled, or cowled, child has enjoyed the scrutiny of scholars from the classical world to the present day, evolving but very little beyond academic gape-mouthedness and heavily footnoted eye-rolling. Though rich in interdisciplinary possibility and ripened for historiographical extrapolation, contemporary surveys are very little in extant, the classic work in the field remaining David Ulansey’s 1972 Origins of The Caulic Mysteries, which reversed most previous scholarship in a gentle loving sort of somersaulting in revolution, a bean bagged naggie bin, which despite itself emerged truly alit and pining after truth and beauty and arrived on ticket, apunched through, nicely.

In it, the hints of a religious network of great antiquity; Ulansey perceived an enpanted power-source, operating with impunity, importuning Fate almost, whose bombs of joy narily evidence the big time engine power of The Sunrise. Describing this tradition as The Caulic Mystery Jam, Ulansey released a series of ruthlessly progressive rock and roll albums under the aegis of the Alpha Chimp. In the white hot beanpole of metaphor, he discovered the Cauls weild immense power in the field of body manipulation, political intriguery, assassination and a most profitable trade in organs, perambulatory limbs and sexual machinery.

From A Stone Ye Shall Rise

Ulansey’s story begins with Marie Devalius of Arles, a Cistercian nun who aroused passions and much apocalyptic speculation in the troubled realm of 14th Century France. Unlike the majority of Caulish children Marie not only lived until middle age, but retained the deformity, which was reported to have continued to grow into her old age, reaching a staggering 37 inches. All forms of wonderment were attributed to her, miracles which to the scholar run like a paranormal laundry list: levitation, a rosy or flower like smell, the gift of prophecy, unusual flexibility of skeleton and muscle and a beatific power to grace those around her with fortune, grace and the two fold pillars of divine beneficence --- the mysterious amassment of gold and silver and the equally baffling appearance of numerous children.

Ulansey reports that:

"According to the historical record and based on several etchings of her, Marie was an evidently comely woman, vivacious, energetically ruddy in complexion, full bodied and scandalously boisterious. Her remarkable beauty suffered but a single black mark -- the enormous flap of loosened skin which emerged from her forehead. The ungainliness of such an appendage troubled her not -- she wore it folded over-head in the manner of a close-fitting cap, or cowl, fastenened behind with clasps of her own device, manufactured of sheep’s wool and calfling leathers."

The skin pub, fortunately, has been preserved in the form of reliquary in Southern France. As in most cases of cowling, Marie’s body defied decomposition though it was later interred in the nearby church cemetery. The cowl, however, remained where it can be viewed to this day, having much the appearance of an oily wrinkle of brown paper. In 1995, scientists from Hamburg University were granted permission by the Vatican to examine the relic and submit to a series of tests and vigorous qualifications. Their findings were startling.

The skin pub was, as evidenced to the naked eye, remarkably preserved, and much detailed analysis was able to be performed. It was disovered that the cowl, particularly in it’s haunch and fore-ends, was a dense cluster of nerve cells:

"By all accounts this woman was wearing a bedsheet sized clitoris on her head."

Moments Away From Time

This might explain some of the odd behavior Marie exhibited in the historical record. For instance, in 1467, Augustinian monk Charles Yuilasand visited the monastery at Arles in order to verify outrageous claims of the townsfolk. When he was introduced to Marie , he found her in the garden, lying on her back, with the cowl spread forth from her head. His account reads like a fevered romance novel, shot through a sow’s ear of Peretian fancy:

   "She lay on the ground, or rather perhaps she lay under the benightened sky cannily thrusting it’s mighty weight down upon her, like the endlessly feathering hammer of veal, impressing upon her auto-gyration a beguiling majesty, writhation witnessed by myself as occurring between the manicured hedges and a statue of Our Lord and Savior, his one good and loving eye casting a long intriguing glance, hinting of infinity. Her appearance to the mind was that of a spectacular and mind-numbing manifestion of Nature, a gleaming and rough-furrowed lake, begged of it’s placidity, unfolded by tortuous degree like a dangerous parasol; her forehead appeared to me overflowing as would the waters of the legendary Soul-Bead, bouncing out of her tightened pores with diadems of moon-illumed moisture - and though straining credulity, all the more was the spectacle, due to a contrast in the mind; her loosened caul was by all appearance becovered with a jolly variety of bird-seed and welpling acorn. Unnaturally engrossed by this amazing scene, I further witnessed a cloud of fowls, a cackled and fluttering gallimaufry of the local avian breeds, mongering over these delicacies and dipping their beaks, flecking not a little gore, making a frightful commotion of caged pinion and feather. In reaction and by mine own eye issuing unseemly encouragement, she recoiled not but leaned incredibly her head forward, aswifted about her jutting caul, surely astruck by a baffling kind of divine light-ning, her form rigid in the grip of epileptical throe but nonetheless becalmed, her mouth open slightly and loosening a pendulous groan, her eyes rolling into the rear of her lids, revealing a deep and glorious white, such as that found in the snippering keen of a pearl knife-handle or the opinous and importuning wink of an arse needing the whip." 

Here one suspects Ulansey levies upon his readers an immense lark. And yet, recourse to Ullian’s diaries clearly posit a fantastical scene indeed. Another telling anecdote arrives from Father Aminian Farthing, an Orthodox priest from Byzantium. He made the long journey to visit Marie by onieric insistence, having been plaqued by “tortuous dreams and forlorn weepy-style nightmares, where one wakes in the middle of night, screaming in fright descending the next moment into near diabolical laughter, confusing me profoundly.” Apparently, Aminian consulted his Bible and performed the odd ritual now and again and was thus able to snoop out the cause of his nocturnal distressing - a gypsy caravan provided both the answer to his problems and transportation to France.

Drinking Aphid Hints

When Father Farthing approached the monastery, he was soundly rebuffed by the hegemonical qualities of the inhabitants therein. However, having been pelted both in internecine insultery and rotten vegetables, he resolved to spend the night on the road, hoping for better luck in the morning. That night, curled up in his cassock, he had another dream, this time more intense than any he had previously experienced. In it, he was dressed as porter, waiting outside of a door inlaid with fantastical carvings and elaborate bas-reliefs. He wished to scrutinize this marvelous sight, and to investigate the filigree to the fullest extent that his intellect would allow. However, dream life can be cruel. He could only see by a complex arrangement of his body parts, for otherwise his view was somehow obstructed, the world being rendered as if seen from a great distance. Hence, in order to more closely observe what appeared to be a highly skilled rendering of the story of Cain and Abel, he was predisposed to sit on the ground, his ankles behind his neck and his arms twisted to form a curl of knobbed willowill. And to see the elaborate inlays portraying the ascension of our lord and saviour, he was required to bend his back to the sky, his belly upwards and and crossed by his arms, meeting at the elbow with his right leg, ankle turned to the West. His other leg, meanwhile, was need underneath his arched form, pinched at a precarious right angle

Non-Canonical Text

The phenomena of infant morphology has long fascinated persons whose intellectual pursuits lay at their most comfortable in untoward position, reflecting spiritual traditions to which the researcher has -- perhaps only casually -- sworn fealty. Nearly without exception, human religious experience autogyrates between the idea of being and non-being, living and death. The lives of men appear in our soul dramas as but limping children, somehow muscled and terse, mouthing dangerously invented languages of body, motion, of sword's edge and needle's point. To muddle with spyglass and pencil in the naked twilight of this experience is the duty of a lone nut, the errant scientician, the Gnomic up-ender, the Catholic.

It should come as no surprise then, that Europe's Mother Church enjoys a teaming wealth of scholarly information concerning those states of mankind which split asunder the divisory connections between man and animal, angel and monkey, chirping non-life and the waxy glow of gloamy non-existance. It takes a strange kind of man, in other words, to study strange kinds of men -- or as the case may be, very strange examples of newly-birthed children and in particular those examples which display superfluous body parts, glaring omissions of design or unnatural developments requiring immediate medical and priestly attention.

The so-called cowled child, "so richly sensual under its severe, religious folds"2 is just such a spectular birth-object.

Threading The Nut

Characterized by a flap of hanging skin, the cowled child is often born in what it must perceive as a state of woeful blindness.

Tersely sorting this cry from the collective wilderness are the distinctive characteristics which, despite the regular appearance of cowled children, mark each one as unique. In certain Inuit myths, the "reading" of a cowled child's particular "meaning" provided the calendar for everything from seal hunts to making love. In the Algonquin, the word for a cowled child is the same as "imperfect stone." In Europe, however...

....duly manipulated by qualified "seers" or representatives ....

NOTES

Note 1: Caul's etymology traces back to Greek (roughly, in our alphabet, “kaulus”), meaning an elaborate ensnarement or an intricate weaving. The earliest noted usages of the word refer more specifically to sheep’s pens, fishermen's nets, the weave of fate, and the inter-lacing lines of leaves in a head of cabbage (hence “kale”). The term was eventually extended to refer to a spider's web and a women's woven hat or hood. By the Middle Ages, the term was associated with a fold of skin covering the head (as well as with the male foreskin and the female Mons Veneris), suggesting both an enclosure for the head as well as a type of psychic ensnarement, while continuing to carry forward the connotations of linear patterns, as seen in the elaborate wrinkles and veins of the skin flap--hence the term's later usage among “New Agers” for a Native American "dream catcher".

Note 2: Proust, Marcel. Remembrance of Things Past.

Cessation of public activity

Most thoroughly described by Humphrey S. Didium in his landmark study of secret societies, Everything That's Not. Didium (1914-1981) gave a speech at the 3rd AA International Conference which has since given conspiracy theorists a lot of fodder for speculation. His speech, which contained several cursory allusions to Gnome practices, has left many dubious as to his affinities. He was, however, almost certainly not a member of The League of Gnomes or in any way "in the know" about their activities.

In the year of his death he attended an Incidentalist Dead Flesh Bonanza.

Further Extrapolation The fourth distributive stage of Alpha Chimp material--largely unsuccessful even by the most blindingly opportunistic valuation scheme--is also called "cessation of public activity" aka "going out of business."

Non Canonical Text

"It's time for nap," she said with a glimmer in her eye. He choked on his asparagus, a spear gone down wrong; hands clutched 'round him yanking on his clavical. She licked his ear and the waiter blushed. Drowning.

Charismatic manipulation Charismatic manipulation thule. 1. A method of speech which relies upon the unspoken move, slyly rendered, amounting to the careful hand-tossing of fact. 2. The movement of information in accord with the ability to arrange objects in a careful line, and according to a predetermined stucture, and ductile, also asconced fatty-like between energetic leaps. 3. A re-alignment of fluid, being an invention, where our understanding is impaired by design, by looking strictly, by abounding through the scarce, and beside the crumby bluntness of reason, defeated. colloq; advice given to the weak, by degree.

See Also

  Secret Negro

Cheroot cheroot n. 1. An aromatic plant, Anstimsus Cerefolium, native to Eurasia, having leaves used in suits and salons; consumed as an open-ended cigar. 2. Any of several related plants, esp. Chaerophlyum Bulbousus, having an edible winged child. 3. Evidence of evocation; a changing of the pantaloons. 4. Manufacturer of smoke and mirrors, one who obfuscates; producer of fume.

See Also

   * Bleezy
   * Stinking Weed
   * Whale
   * The Worship of Dongs 

Chimp

chimp la. 1. A state of absolute liberty from moral, aesthetic or religious concerns. 2. A chimpanzee. 3. A man. 4. A kind of half-man, half-chimp creature, used for amusement or possibly as an exotic side-dish. 5. A humorous monosyllable.

Clamper Trap clamper trap n. 1. The elaborate hullabulloo created by advertising firms which presents dung as gold and dictates the social importance of newly-created products and services. 2. A professional hoodwinking device. 3. Media objects from the curling genome, posited as the canonical interpretation of Poob Culture, intended for a clamper audience. 4. A public forum where the appearance of something new is being promised, or, more likely, sold.

See Also

   * The Farmer Diary
   * Heaven
   * Logos
   * Poob Bargain

Clampers

clampers n. 1. Term used to describe AA sympathizers who either never fully participated in the movement or contemporary artists and thinkers who have only reluctantly acknowledged its influence. In the former category belong Stan Lee, Alfred Bester and Nathanael West, who carried on a lively correspondence with a young Addisson from 1938 until his untimely death in 1940. In the latter category belong Steve Malkmus, Beck Hansen, Matt T and Michael Baldwin. 2. Persons who move with fashionable trends, vacuous hipsters, hanger-ons. 3. A popular Southern Journal catering ultimately to cultural guerillas and Spray-Paint Mathematicians; known in Texas as a vehicle for The New York Invasion.

Extrapolation

The word was once believed to derive from one Ernest C. Clamper: Dandy, aide-de-camp to Ulysses S. Grant, on-and-off sexual partner of Walt Whitman. He never admitted how much of his political discourse was in reality re-hashed Whig-ism and he clung to Grant's coat-tails as if he would slip into an abyss without them. His "Priapic Promes" were derivative, dime-store Whitman.

However, this is fiction. Addisson himself came out with the word when, at the nadir of their relations, he saw Balthazar Buehb almost genuflecting before Stimso Adid.

Addisson: "I first thought of a leech, then a moray eel, jaw about to clamp down on the fish and then retreat down into the hole. One, big clamping mouth. That's about what's it's like to be taken by the arm by a clamper. Ho ho! Write that down!"

Ernest C. Clamper was an extended member of the Slippers family, and thus some kind of distant cousin to Stimes Addisson. Stimes Addisson's father Solomon is originally from Clamper Mountain, West Virginia. Usage

"What the fuck's with all the clampers?", William Flintrock in the ear of Wilhemina Forkes, overheard at the Second AA International Conference. [ See Also

   * Boneyards 

   * Clamper Trap 

   * Honeybees

Cocks comb Poopy Knickers

The secret hand signal of the Crack Stepper grade of The League of Men with Fancy Gloves is called the Cock's Comb. It is made with the right hand.

The Worm Turns

It is also used by Anahinthan members. The Grand Rond in Toulouse, France, features a sculpture of a jolly man, attired as a butcher, one hand amputated indicating high rank, his other hand upon his apron giving the hand signal. Many have speculated that the man in the sculpture is a local leader posing in a kind of daring show of cards designed to provoke, antagonize and bewilder local Gloved Ones. Tellingly, the signal is given with the left hand, which is a reference both to the Anahinthan's oppositional purpose to that of the Gloves and a sign of allegiance to the left-hand path. The amputated right hand is thus emphasized, the inevitable end point to a train of thought which though shuddering at the repulsiveness of the conclusion, cannot but help to feel a strange twinge brought about by years and in some cases decades of georeligious indoctrination (that branch of science so laden with heavy and unfortunate connotations), which so humbly accepts the often bloody dignity (so posited in his or her geomantic thought implants) of sacrifice.

Usage

"The right-handed Cock's Comb is flashed invisible by the secretive Anahinthan, amputated. Thus must we worry! Forever diligence!" -- pamphlet in a puddle, origins unrendered by a muddy trample

See Also

   * Architect's hand
   * Asian Thumbs
   * Cock's Comb
   * Fancy Gloves
   * Fisticuffs
   * Hand Pants
   * Masturbation
   * Unseen hand 

Cold cold op. 1. A state of being defined by its relation to heat or motion, being itself the lack thereof. 2. That state in which coffee is undrinkable. 3. The robotic motions of a prostitute during the act of love; the attentions of a crone. 4. Conflicts enacted symbolically or by elaborate proxy, characterized by Poobic Bluster, a stumbling bureaucracy and the endless proliferation of stand-offs, stare-downs and no-shows.

Usage

"I feel cold." -- Last words of Ahmed Capra, 1962.

"Sure is cold in here... I feel like a nipple-hair on a skinwalker." -- Solomon Witte, 1980, at CBGB's.

See Also

   * Revelation of the Method
   * Ryan O'Donnely 

Contemporaries

"If there were a place you could stand while holding your breath but while breathing you could by smirking almost."

   -- spoken by two people at the exact same time: 17:53:27 EST, September 19, 1999. Pedro Marquez of San Luis Potosi, Mexico, and Kaoru Hashimoto of Osaka, Japan, both said the words in Algonquin. Both bore an uncanny resemblance to Verna Cable. 

Extrapolation

The term itself simply refers to persons existing in the same chronological space; further, there is an implied congruence of activity. For instance, while a house painter could very well be the chronological contemporary of an easel painter, usage of the word in this sense would be considered inappropriate. A more accurate rendering would be the statement: The House Painter is the Contemporary of The Organ Grinder who is the Contemporary of The Unbridled Horsey who is the Contemporary of The Bleary-Eyed Rummy who is the Contemporary of the Easel Painter. And so on. Through analogy the original statement could be considered inviolable -- it is only the extreme degree of associative removal which renders it suspect.

And so goes the contemporary wisdom. Associational thought turns this wisdom on its ear -- or perhaps, its eye. In AA parlance, the greater the analogical separation one can achieve would imply greater relation between the objects in question. Turning again to the illustration above, its correct Associationalist presentation would be that statement which benefited most from a long distance analogical partnering, such as: The house painter is in fact nearly identical to the easel painter or maybe not -- but he's sure as shit a contemporary.

See Also

   * Creatine Panderbox 

Crab Canon

crab canon cc. 1. musical An ouroboric tune that plays the same backwards or forward.1 2. meta. That which is conceptually or literally reversible; that which undoes itself (e.g., palindromes, fancy down jackets, presidential elections, New Orleans, erections, golems, drinks before noon). 3. A mirrored reflection. (No, it clef, er…). 4. Thai term for a male prostitute.

Extrapolation

The follow text is a fragment lifted from Dapper Clementine’s senior thesis, Grignotti and the "Buggeroni" BDGDB Motif:

Bach appeals to the brain: pure head music. From the mathematically rendered precision of his cancrizans canons, looping and inverting like Möbius strips, to the cunning nomenclatural codings like his "signature" BACH motive2 -- Bach's music is a mirrored reflection of a stupefying intellect far removed from heart-wrenching, gut-twisting storms of Beethoven and Stravinsky.

But where to place the enigmatic Paolo Grignotti? Though he clearly stands in the shadow of Bach's intellect, his operatic forays suggest we look elsewhere. Indeed, Grignotti's numerous musical references to Bach's Mass in B minor may be read as homage -- or as "cryptic and often mocking allusions, hinting of ironic insincerity."3 While virtually all living critics agree on Bach's genius, Grignotti's opinion is open to debate. Does he display a sincere, imitative mimicry? Or is it insincere, a subtle mockery? Or is it all simply a case of a somewhat more heavy-handed realization by a jealous Grignotti?

No matter how we read it, Grignotti's evident debt to Bach rings clear in the crab canons and "coded" notations of his wry Buggeroni (1789). Listen, for example, to the reversible BDGDB motive, with its twisting and straining crab canon and its veiled noted references to the infamous "B"iberoni, "G"rignotti, "D"iamanta love triangle.

Grignotti's more bizarre themes have yielded more outrageous interpretations than these lighthearted musical puns. Indeed, before Grignotti's disappearance, there were more than a few suggestions that his music supplied La Ligue du Masque Cancéreux with encrypted directives. Pie-throwings, assassinations and ritual shoplifting were all variously linked back to "this madman's furtive work."4 But all these intellectual readings do little to explain the plaintive cry of The Sharper's Tale (1796) and the bitter stomp of A Sausage Became Her (1797); such heart-tugging tunes suggest Grignotti was made of more emotive stuff.

Perhaps Grignotti is best viewed as striking some peculiar balance, some sort of devil's bargain -- like Shostakovich, who, some one hundred and fifty years later, straddled two worlds, one foot in the avant-garde and a second steeped in romance, from the lonely, frightened howl of Symphony No. 15 to the tight-lipped, head-tripping experiments of Jazz Suite No. 1. It's little wonder he was so torn, for he lived in war-torn world. Some of his earlier work, like the haunting march of his Symphony No. 7 (27 December 1941), was written during the Siege of Leningrad, with Nazi troops closing in on his Russian homeland. Later pieces found him cowed, desperately trying to please the oppressive regime that arose from within Russia herself. Fine – enough about Shostakovich -- his demons are well known. Again I ask, “But what of the enigmatic Paolo Grignotti?” What demons tore Grinotti asunder?

See Also

   * Daedalus: nine, Peninsula: dead
   * Grignotti and the "Buggeroni" BDGDB Motive
   * God
   * Potato Cannon
   * The Untieable Knot
     Notes

Note 1: The "canon cancrizans" (as it was originally termed) is a melodic counterpoint (or canon) which reverses the notes of the original melody (the "cancrizans", or "crab", scuttles backwards).

Note 2: That is, the notes B-A-C-H, where H is German for B natural.

Note 3: Professor Newton Periwinkle, Flying Pigs, Grignotes '62, p. 13.

Note 4: Author unknown, Conversations with Flambini Lamenti, 1785.

CRACK STEPPER

Crack Stepper (n.) 1. One who wishes his mother harm 2. The second grade of The League of Men with Fancy Gloves. 3. rep. One who has reached the second tier of the Anahinthan priesthood and who also, inextricably, wishes harm to his mother.

Initiational Systems and the Casual Observer

The initiation rituals attributed to the second grade of the League is suspicious in its use of Masonic ceremonial movements yet it is obvious to occultic scholars that the pomp and circumstance is designed to mislead the casual observer or inquisitor. If a Greenhorn is deemed worthy after his 27 tests he is a viable candidate for the Crack Steppers. The Crack Stepper grade also consists of 27 tests each with 27 questions dealing with everything from real estate and maritime law to preparation and presentation of sushi. The foyer of the Crack Stepper grade is littered with those who cannot meet the rigourous demands.

Accroutment

The Crack Stepper is awarded a Single Sleeve with each test passing. There are 27 sleeves in all, one for each digit on the hands and feet as well as one for each ear and eye. The final three sleeves or Demem Trias are reserved for the nose, the mouth and the genitals. The anus is awarded an inverted sleeve when the crack stepper is initiated into the final grade of Holy Man/Woman.

See Also

   * Cock's Comb
   * Crack Stepper Jack, the Untold Story Told

Creation Myths creation myths n. 1. How it all began. 2. An unsuitably heady topic for light social affairs.

Usage

"The pursuit of truth is what keeps us from pursuing each other." -- James H. Billington, Librarian of Congress, explaining why nerds don't get laid.

Non Canonical Text

"And so we wade through truths, mining symbols, myths, and archetypes in our search for the beginning, that original event, that catalyst -- Zeus’ thunderbolt hurled from an inky sky into the primordial seas -- that very thing that triggered it all. To consider the literal truths behind the tale is to miss the point. And so we may find pigs rolling in the first dusty settlements as men toil, seeding the soil; tobacco growing into a catalyst that fuels the flames of colonialism. We may hunt for the earliest invocation of the owl or trace the umbrella back to the stony hearts of men. We may look to that auspicious meeting of friends and find Stimes and Adid, both living on 27th, swapping mail, talking, discovering, laughing -- origins unfolding in the accident of their meeting, the association of circumstance and newfound friends, that first glimpse of the totemic 27, and the trading of letters, like the trading of ideas for years to come. We can even look to the genesis of myths, and find the Fallen Stone fertilizing the roots of the Garden of Eden, entangled in the mystical stuffs of Gnostics. And as we hunt for very origins of man we find ourselves in the damp and fecund clay, shaped and infused with the breath of the gods, forbidden fruits feeding our flickering gnosis, stones hidden in the heads of babes, and the light bulb turning on with first club-swinging chimp…." -- Carl Jung, Jr., winning the argument by boring the pants off the competition at a friendly wine and cheese lawn-party in Iowa with Nevid Kessar.

• Procreation Myths
• The Worship of Tits

Crossed Spoons Device

An image of a pair of black and silver crossed spoons, often sewn into the upper right-hand corner of a red flag. Commonly known as the "War Flag," it is used only on rare occasions, notably by the Associationalist Drum and Fife Band. The flag is often emblazoned with the motto "Don't Pike on Me" and is always flown subordinate to the pancake banner.

The origin of the device and the flag is unknown, although the device is known to have existed in 1947 and the flag by at least 1950.

In the aftermath of the vengeance mission resulting from the destruction of Wee-Wee, those arrested were found to be carrying one of these flags.

See Also

   * Pancake banner

Daedalus: nine, Peninsula: dead

Code word for Run! invented by Televy Gide for the late-nite shenanigans of AA'ers. The practice of making a word less efficient which in normal circumstances requires maximum efficiency was crucial in practicing the reverse of which he normally did in his day job: writing a weekly journal of telegraphic text messages to be used by AA poets as source material for creating verse. It was all part of the One Year Plan devised by Stimes Addisson in 1981 on the anniversary of the Death of the Chameleon.

Dakota Meeting Rooms

dakota meeting room nb. 1. A meeting room that instigates an elaborate government investigation. 2. The rearrangement of capital for the purpose of inducing a lie.

See Also

   * Alcove
   * Geomachy
   * Peep-Hole

Dead body dead body n.v. 1. Narrative space, defined by fucking idiots. 2. A state of future being, devoid of consciousness; a potentiality of any sort, usually dreadful. 3. A dramatical totem of immense popularity, signaling the engagement of a puzzle, a journey or a jolly romp, and otherwise initiating a series of elaborate narrative shake-downs.

Usage

   "Over my dead body are they going to make me go back." 

   "I knew he was having dreams, nightmares," Lisset said. "He would wake up at night really sweaty. When I popped around the next day for a few drinks, he had become a dead body. I can't explain it." 

Extrapolation

   The dead body just sat there. A weight on top of the world. No past, no future; just a dead constant present - one of the lucky ones. 

   The dead body was an AA member since Stimes' day. The dead body knew Dutch, Dutch did not know the dead body. AA was the connection - but there was no link - and the dead body enjoyed the new found life as a dead body. It's not such a bad job after all but the foie gras reeks. 

   The dead body used to sing children's songs for a living. Spaghetti Worm was a popular tune among 3 year olds and earned the dead body honors among peers. The dead body could reflect on this and smile. But the dead body was not the dead body - rather "some Accidental Associationalism mind bender" (Johnson, p. 13) - the dead weight of the world is upon us. There may be no forgiving this time around. 

   Dutch probed further back in time and remembered a favorite poem he used to sing in choir school: 

   Lo and behold the Father 
   of Righteous Wrongdoings 
   Answers our darkest Prayers 

   Lo and behold the Mother 
   of Wrongful Righteousness.... 
   (etc) 

See Also

• Death

Dead man dead man gn. 1. The unspoken and invisible dictators of culture, the necrocracy. 2. The act of being passed the mantle from that which has not yet existed. 3. The likely product of sciomachy; evocation. 4. The origin of accidents and the elaboration of instructional material from such. 5. The grateful acceptance of advice from the fevered or delusory. 6. An empty mountain.

Extrapolation

Michael Baldwin entertained a variation of dead man, arriving at Dead French Men. He used the term to indicate he'd been to a lot of college and was entitled to the beer discount, as advertised.

See Also

   * Augury
   * Boneyards
   * Death
   * Fumes
   * Vapors 

Death

Death nv. 1. An unfortunate by-product of third-world countries, cannons, God-worship, ill-gotten gains and the prime cause of funerals and, by extension, funereality. 2. A consensual goal or endpoint; the resolution of a drama. 3. The result of life. 4. Generative force responsible for dead men and the multiplication of vapor.

Non Canonical Text

"You may be starved to death, stung to death by wasps, killed by tigers, cut to pieces--beginning at the toes--impaled on spears, burned to death, or tattooed."1 -- The Life and Adventures of the Burdett Twins. 1881. New York: Popular Press.

See Also

   * Auto-Colonialism
   * Boneyards
   * Poob Culture
   * Ritual Murder

Notes

Note 1: Though the shock value is lost on contemporary audiences, both twins chose tattoos.

Death Cults Death Cult(s) n. 1. A religous group whose belief system stresses the cyclical nature of life as exposed by astrological and natural phenomena, with an emphasis on cessaristic elements, i.e. death, solar settings, winter, amputations, bloodletting, abortionism and many more truncations of the metaphorical type. 2. The Republican Party, for example; Christianity, in general. Extrapolation In The Ultimate Evil, author Maury Terry contends that the Son of Sam killer David Berkowitz was a member of “The Children”, a satanic cult based out of Venice, California, with links to the military and intelligence establishments. According to Terry, “The Children” is a splinter group of The Process Church of the Final Judgment, which--although officially disbanded some 30 years ago--continues to operate secretly in six major U.S. cities. Terry claims that The Process Church operates from a “remote enclave” in New York and has changed its name many times, accumulating millions of dollars in real estate holdings along the way.

In his treatise, Terry accused The Process of Hitler worship, animal sacrifice, drug running, kiddie porn, murder, and complicity in Son of Sam. Process apologists argue that Terry took Process founder Robert DeGrimston's symbolic teachings too literally and that The Ultimate Evil suffers from poor logic, draws from dubious sources, and is littered with “red herrings”.

According to Terry, Berkowitz--though admittedly involved in some of the Son of Sam murders--was set up as a fall guy by the “The Children” for the entire series of murders, much in the same manner that Charles Manson may have been similarly manipulated in the Tate-LaBianca murders.

From various sources--among them, Berkowitz himself--Terry learned that one Son of Sam murder was videotaped and that the cameraman (Ronald Sisman) was subsequently murdered by cult members when they went to recover the Son of Sam snuff film. Terry pinned this murder on a mysterious figure dubbed Manson II, whom he later identified as William Mentzer, an “occult superstar” and hit man who moved through the same late 1960’s milieu of sex, drugs, and porn as Manson -- and who had been intimate with Tate-LaBianca murder victim, Abigail Folger. Terry quoted his source on Mentzer/Manson II as “someone in the intelligence community”.

   -- Adam Gorightly  

See Also

   * Birth Cults
   * Mormo
   * Molech
   * Ritual Murder 

Democracy democracy f. 1. A fantasy land where you can direct activity by the voicing of opinion; a pie hole, stuffed. 2. Cherished symbol of The Western Mystery Tradition, responsible for strip-malls. 3. A fat man, pissing himself, reading Plato. 4. A comforting illusion.

Non-Canonical Text

"A broken rule is a spirit untethered, and an untethered spirit is lost." -- Gonzales, Alberto. Why I Voted. The American Conservative. November 17, 2004.

"Beaten paths are for beaten men." -- Roberts, John. Why I Shat in the Crapper. The Conservative American. January 16, 2001.] See Also

   * Fumes
   * Platonic Forms
   * Vapor 

Desert Shield II In 1990 a U.S. Military operation was launched to protect Kuwait's oilfields from Saddam Hussein. Despite the reaction of the western media, Hussein was not acting under the direction of Satan, but was rather expanding in accordance precedents set by earlier colonial powers. "Desert Storm: The Rape of Cassandra" (1999) -- featuring cloddy voice-over work by George Bush and Nell Carter -- is the most notable video game based on the war that followed and is of importance to the Associationalist milieu due to the fact the combatants are Gnomish creatures, far too short and misshapen to operate their oversized guns and sabers.In an unusual bit of transmedia exploitation, in 1992 an aging William Flintrock wrote a play based on the computer game which enjoyed several successful seasons in off-broadway theaters and back-alley agit-prop centers. Though the narrative adheres to the events of the game, Flintrock gave prominence to non-combatants:

   * George Bush as the Opportunistic Magistrate, presented on stage as a plushy meat-hook and played by Charlie Sheen.
   * Saddam Hussein as the Comely Waif and played by Mona Sherbet, appearing in her first role after her disastrous 1988 performance in Pardon Me Priapus.
   * Dionne Warwick as the Fatidic Observer, performed brilliantly by midget superstar and motocross champion Alexandra Bumpkins.
   * Wilhelm Reich as Sargeant Janus, played by Everette Goldbergenstein and Yosef Abdulla, in a bifurcated double-headed costume designed by Flintrock. 

While the play had a limited run and is today largely forgotten, it is seen by critics as the first of what became a flood of game-to-theater cross-overs; the most popular has certainly been 2002's "Burger Time: Magus on A Bun" by firebrand director and playwright, Alsation Heady. As for the military operation itself, aside from the kneeknock it gave to World Order, Desert Shield is notable for two things:

  1. The shield became a storm -- a power previously reserved for Jesus.
  2. The curious blatant introduction of Simon Magus into cheesecake calandars and other onanistic material.

See Also

• Arab Countries
• Banana slut, you?
• Moloch

Desiderata

desiderata am. 1. Objects or information essential, but absent. 2. Fragments in need of a sojourner to assemble them; the sojourner himself. 3. All information traveling along the associational filament. 4. A catalyst for adduction.

Usage

"...holy shit he's all desiderata..." -- Tim Wilson on Alexandre Dacusse

See Also

• Ablation
• Desiderata 90

Desiderata 90

A short-lived prog-rock band founded by David Payne which helped define Post-HoboCore pop culture. The line-up was a melange of street people, professional train-car bandits, assorted tub-thumpers, guitar masters and of course, Dave Payne himself on vocals, piano, harpischord, electric bassoon and skin-tyriod. Though the outfit released only two albums on the now-defunct Alpha Chimp label, rumors of a reunion tour and the release of previously unrecorded material are persistent.] Critical Appraisal

"Fearless" -- PJ O'Rourke

"Shit, there isn`ta (sic) "CANCEL" button. -- Diary of a Wine Taster (http://www.wine-journal.com/blog25.html)

Discography

• Hindquarters
• Sleeps for Two

See Also

• Depression and the Second Drink before Noon
• Mustache

Dime Bag of Verse

A form of literary distribution built on the model of peddling drugs, particularly the technique practised by street dealers in Washington Square Park or along St. Mark's Avenue, New York City. Tim Wilson developed the technique, inspired by accounts of Addisson's Amway-style poetry samples. Wilson described the procedure to Pedro Marquez in 1999 for the Mexi-Cult magazine Casa del Filete:

"The poet creates the poem first, an important start. But I rush ahead excitedly, let us pace ourselves. This poem we are to make is to be made as a poem, not as an act of masturbation or dilly dalliance. One shouldn't be planning to read it, for instance, or mail it to an editor. The poem produced can be seen as a stern matron -- womb dried up, hands cubbed with large knuckles, face tempered by the sun into an unending, witheringly unapproachable grin. This grin is your mountain peak, fix upon it, set sail1 and climbing spike steady, grimly. Do not, however, invite disaster by looking always over your shoulder or consulting dictionaries, thesauri or billboards visible from your derrick window. Rush headlong is the order of the day."

"Imperative also is the use of a machine for composition. I prefer the IBM Selectric -- a revolutionary beast of throbbing pulchritude. Though you may wish to employ some alternate machine. Whatever. You may as well choose to breath alternate air, to flood your body with alternate blood, to shit out alternate, impossible golden turds. No, best stick with me: The IBM Selectric is a furiously modernist example of form coupling with function. Driven by it's proto-gnostic pivoting typeball -- the Selectric quite literally fucks the poem into existence. So, thusly prepared, secure a surface to accept the poem, aware that size is your key to success. Choose easily foldable strips of no larger than an inch and a half in width and 12 inches in height -- greater dimensions precludes placement into the dime bag and defeat the excercise entirely. Fortunately for the intrepid dime-bagger, in the form of purchase receipts, a suitable medium is daily produced in staggering amounts."

Wilson, incredibly, explains further:

"

Non-Canonical Text

When the Police investigated further, they decided to give him a ticket for loitering and told him to go home.

See Also

• Mom Jokes

Note 1: Curiously, to this day, Wilson believes some manner of sail is needed to climb a mountain.

Diver

Diver. n. 1. Seen primarily as the scooting of premises, a massive analogical overload most commonly resulting in the suprise of the diver himself, laden as he is with Expectation, who turns Wisdom to Associational Thought, an exploding beauty gently into the quiet nite, spelled particularly for the life of TV's SuperStarDom. 2. Archaic form of diverse.

Usage

Nevid Kessar's The Sponge Diver's Game.

Doctrine of Doing

Doctrine authored by El Parqiz, published in 1571 as Por el Movimiento Lejos para Inacción y Pereza, Hacia el Doctrina de Hacer.

The Doctrine of Doing, sometimes refered to as the Doctrine of "Doing!" in modern parlance, consists of three suppositions intended to, in the words of the author, "provide sane counsel for the development of justification for oblique moral stances among the empty (similar usage as wu wei)."

1. The doing of the body. 2. The doing of the mind. 3. The Doing!

The Doctrine is often confused with the onomatopoeic "Doing!" associated with objects which move suddenly and with some violence upon being released from a restraining force, such a duck's bill, a two-by-four slapped upwards under the chin, an erection, the bib on an old-fashined tuxedo, etc. Although primarily a sound or word represented in cartoons and animated films, "Doing!" or rather, "Doing-g-g!" remains a popular in-joke among the literati.

See Also

• Boing

Dog Pile

dog pile n. 1. A mound of canine excrement; more generally, animal poo. 2. Untrustworthy information. 3. A shady or treacherous individual, a miscreant.

Dominant mode of epistemological regurgitation The historically most Associationalist epistemological issue concerning perception is whether and how beliefs about physical objects and about the physical world generally can be justified or warranted on the basis of whether or not one prefers the watermelon and or the egg.

Non-Canonical Text

This method of evaluating perception was a key component in the functioning of Project Sausage.

Five senses vomiting....due to a priori rejection....slinking....wet dream of the invalid soldier, in flannel robe, with coffee (http://plastictub.vaporslave.com/index.php/Image:HeadB_Coffee.jpg); head wound.

See Also

• Beta Chimp
• Dick Fosbury

Donut

donut, doughknot jk. 1. A torus shaped edible, usually fried and composed of flour, yeast and sugar. 2. Progenitor of the donut hole and in such capacity a creative element of the pleroma. 3. For many, the actual shape of the earth. 4. Seventh sign on the O'Donnely Zodiac Placemats. 5. An stiff, ring-shaped pillow, used for resting broken tail bones; a cock ring.

Usage

"There are no donuts in jail." -- A. Dacusse to Adid, upon his second arraignment for brawling, spitting and drinking in public.

Extrapolation

Ryan O'Donnely (founder of the O'Donnely's Ribhouse and Honkytonk chain) has been called a racist, a man's man, a son-of-a-bitch, and a ham-fisted pugilist with a muscular Christianity. But he's no dummy. Despite his good-ol'-boy, God-wieldin' ways, in 1968 O'Donnely hired a crack team of demographic experts from New York City1 to help scientifically determine the best location for O'Donnely expansion. This team stumbled across a curious fact that helped make O'Donnely rich: Winston Salem, NC, on a per capita basis, has the highest annual level of:

• donut consumption
• rib consumption
• cigarette consumption

Not to mention more illicit pregnancies and legal cockfights than any town this side of Saigon.

This sounded like a weird coincidence (e.g., it's just big town o' sinnin'), till they demonstrated that the strong correlation between these factors extends across the United States and has existed for decades; in other words, these "industries" rise and fall together across cities and time.

Well, O'Donnely's a smart man and he ran with it. His Honkeytonk chain took off like greyhound with a firecracker up its ass. But he wasn't one to ask why. The statisticians' work was done; they were fired, and that was the end of that.

Ryan's son Patter was a more curious man. When he took over the chain in 1990, he rounded back up the very same team stats gurus and asked them: "What gives?" -- so they tried digging a little deeper. They were able to determine that the highly correlated "sins" had a strong negative correlation with per capita membership in the Latter Day Saints. But that was about it. Statisticians are good for finding relationships, but they tend be slow with cause and effect. At any rate, they were a group of old men by now, and one-by-one, they succumbed to dementia and remarkably unmysterious deaths.

Patter was left holding the question of why, and it nagged at him. He eventually offered a $1000 reward to anyone who could explain the thread that tied donuts, ribs, stinking weed, illicit pregnancies and legal cockfights -- all while keeping the Mormons at bay. He figured anyone who could crack this nut could establish heaven on earth. Or least one helluva Honkytonk.

The reward, incidentally, remains unclaimed.

See Also

• Donut Shaped World Theory
• Johannssen Messerschmidt

Notes

Note 1: They were actually from Hollywood, but O'Donnely found that "too goddamn faggy to talk about."

Donut Shaped World Theory

The controversial theory that the earth is in fact, shaped like a donut. Though allegedly proved wrong by cosmonauts in 1975, the theory continues to attract a surprising amount of critical inquiry. Posited by A.W. Slippers in such works as The Shipping Lane Aside, it proved popular with the simple-minded and adventurous alike, appealing particularly to prisoners, Unitarians, the insane and 27 members of the U.S. Congress.

Add Water

One follower, Johannssen Messerschmidt, urged people to spread the word. He was arrested one night walking around Philadelphia clad "with only a donut circl'd about that member which should not be mentioned in these halls," as it was put so eloquently by Senator Locust B. Burley of Vermont, when the matter of Slippers' proposal to voyage to the center of the hole in the Earth was discussed in the Senate. Burley was opposed to the venture and dismissed Slippers as a "charlatan....a flim-flam man of the lowest order...his proposals absurd and his theories are balderdash."

Break Bread

Nonetheless a secret expedition funded by foreign shipping magnate Xenophon Aliokrate did in fact set out to find the hole in the center of the world. The team was equipped with the most exceptional, acurate clocks and "chronickers," telescopes, bi-noculars, sextants, several chronographs and chronometers, and reams of notebooks and map-paper as well as numerous blank leather-bound notebooks. Each member was given a personal hourglass and a pewter pendulum as well as a very expensive gold pen. The ship was rigged with a plethora of modern astronomical instruments and measuring devices and had a separate galley loaded with endless charts and carto-bibliographies, Flamsteed's Atlas Coelestis, a fully functional grandfather clock, wet bar with servants and, of course, several Jules Verne novels. The rumours of a glass bottom seem typical of the exaggerations of the era.

Leftovers Again

The names of the crew and of the ship itself have been lost to history. While most scholars and historians discount the story as a Slander operation intended to embarrass Senator Locust B. Burley and cast him as an enemy of science and exploration, others are convinced that it was quite real, and, although they agree that the world is not in fact toroidal but was pretty much spherical, they still find endless fascination with the mysterious disappearance of the crew and the general zietgeist of the era. Occult detectives claim evidence that South American Adventures Of 1948 recovered the progeny of the crew on a deserted isle not far from the legendary Galapagos Archipelago. Easton W. Wunderkidd often hinted that he knew of the wherabouts of the ship and was the only one who knew the real story.

Dreidl

Dreidl n. 1. A toy similar to a spinning top used in games of chance played by children. 2. A great weight balanced on a thin member. 3. A fragile ego in a guarded soul; temperament as fate. 4. euph. A swollen clitoris, not to be mistaken for an egg.

See Also

• Augury
• Nut
• The Unseen Hand
• Watermelon

Dye-works

Dye-works liturg. 1. In several creation theories the dye-works are the sector just below the naming sector and above the modeling sector in the production facilities. 2. Code name for slander operation. 3. Mystical place of transformative knowledge; The Corner Lot. 3. euph. Change for the worse; a place for the down-trodden.

See Also

• Counterfeiting gang
• Secret Negro
• Skinwalker

Ear

ear snd. 1. Cartiliginous head appendage that gathers sound; sometimes found attached to the backs of mice. 2. Fourth sign on the O'Donnely Zodiac Placemats. 3. Headphones.

Usage

"There is a bone in your ear which does not belong there!" -- Jonathan Trenchwheat to Nathanael West, Hollywood, 1940.

"Well that would be the time I lay naked on a gurney in agony as the orderlies stuffed a snack cake into my ear... my left ear to be precise." -- San Francisco Vagrant to Miss Monitzer when asked about his worst experience while institutionalized, 1991. This quote would later be adapted into a screenplay, but misplaced in 2004 during an alcoholic stupor.

“Pass me an ear of corn.” -- an oft-heard request at Incidentalist Dead Flesh Bonanzas.

Extrapolation

On the Uniqueness of Ears

No two ears are alike1 -- an astounding fact considering the 10 billion-plus human ears that have graced the Earth. Not even your own ears are identical. Ears are, in fact, the most reliable distinguishing identifier between identical twins, chimps and apes.

The big question, as always, is why? For some, this is glimpse of the unseen hand of the Maker, shaping each person from the clay anew; for others, this is evidence of the grand random chaos in the universe, a bit of trivia, purposed as we grant it.

Like men and women, these twin views were once one in the poetic sciences of ear divining, which appears to have traveled with alchemy from the Indian subcontinent to the ancient Greeks around the 4th century BCE. The practice eventually split into the blind fatalism of phrenology and the cold science of ear-based identification systems2 around the beginning of the 20th Century in London and Brussels.

The schism was retained, indeed amplified, as ear identification was quickly replaced by fingerprinting (and eventually, DNA sampling), while phrenology evolved into a host of predictive practices (e.g., racial profiling). This divide is really only an echo of the contrary philosophies “shared” today by the American peoples, where a fundamentalist president who “shapes reality” to fit his beliefs presides over scientists who explore the heavens with Martian rovers.

The Trouble with Unattached Ears

Ear investigation is a relatively uncommon field. Since criminals aren't regularly ear printed, it can be difficult to match an ear to a print found at a crime scene.

But there's another weirder problem: unattached and unclaimed ears turn up world wide on a regular basis. Since there's little in the way of large-scale ear print repositories, it's difficult to track an unattached ear back to its owner unless someone comes forward. In one particularly curious example, an unattached and unclaimed ear (http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1345942/posts) was found near Strangeways Prison in Manchester on February 18, 2005. (The news of this was somewhat delayed due to an extraordinarily thorough job of ensuring that the object was, indeed, an ear. This wasn't due to a particularly thorough police force; rather, this was an attempt to avoid the embarrassment the force faced earlier when an unattached finger turned out to be a sausage.)

This would just be another loose ear incident were it not for some cracker jack detective work by one Mr. Cor van der Lugt,3 who managed to match this ear back to a previously found ear lying unattached and unclaimed at the feet of a dead and dangling Creatine Panderbox on May 3, 1960, in San Luis Potosi, Mexico. This rather extraordinary bit of news has rather baffled international crime agencies. All they've been able to conclude is that somewhere there's an earless person running about, immune to prosecution from ear prints.

Ear Forgeries

A second weakness in the world of ear investigations results from the sheer simplicity of it all. The great draw of ear identification is the basic and readily identifiable unique properties of each ear -- but it's this very simplicity that makes the whole thing rather prone to trickery.

At the risk of reading like a criminal how-to manual, the simplest trick is ear muffs. Wear them while committing a crime, and you have nothing to fear from ear investigators.

A more devious trick is ear stamping. Gnomic operatives are known to produce stamps that perfectly replicate the ear prints of numerous VIPs. The blackmail opportunities are obvious.

A third trick is the supposed use of prosthetic ear coverings (or ear gloves) by higher-ups in the Gnomic underworld. Although unproven, this doesn't seem out the realm of possibility -- though it would certainly require extreme proficiency in costuming; we're talking Hollywood caliber make-up at this point.

The true extent of Gnomic ear stamping and gloving may never be known, but the rumors run broad and deep enough to have been mocked by none other than Walt Disney, who placed giant false ears on the heads of each and every Mouseketeer.

See Also

• Eye
• Hand
• Hunimal
• Face

Notes

Note 1: “The ear is, for each human being, so different that the precise description, with all its characteristic features, would already be enough to ascertain the identification” (Professor Niceforo, Die Kriminalpolizei und ihre Hilfswissenschaften).

Note 2: Ear investigators continue to prosecute criminals on the basis of ear prints, which are particularly suited for identification due to: a) The readily measurable ratios present in the distances between the numerous standard cartilaginous protrusions (e.g., tragus, anti-tragus, knob of Darwin, etc.) b) The uniqueness of these ratios in every ear. c) The fact that these ratios are established by the fourth month of fetal development and remain unchanged until the decomposition of the corpse. BBC (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/235721.stm) presents a short story of a murderer busted by his ear prints.

Note 3: Mr. Cor van der Lugt (http://www.crimeandclues.com/earprint.htm) has presented an excellent discussion and proposal concerning the role of ear identification in the field of criminology.

Note 4: Amateur AA historian Steven Adkins defended Payne, pointing out that the “sicko perv” claims were “childish and unsubstantiated. Besides, we all have our own crosses to bear. And remember, to err is human, to ear, divine.”