John Wickle

From Plastic Tub

Suspicious Deaths

Itty-bitty Wickle! Lucretia's famously condescending titter may have, for once, said it best. Short, bald and angry with his red-faced sputterings -- it was almost a knee-jerk reaction to feel sorry for the guy until his embittered rants drove you despise him like a cockroach. As an asthmatic, clumsy youth, besmirched with a slight stutter and spectacles, Wickle was the target of much childhood cruelty. He turned to the pen at a early age, wielding it like a man with an axe to grind.

As a young man, Wickle became enamored with the writings of Elysius Dubord. Following Dubord's lead, Wickle turned his angry energies toward exposing a secretive power structure he imagined to be controlling everything about him. He was, surprisingly, correct in his appraisals, and seemed to possess an uncanny knack for seeing through all the bureaucratic nonsense to the queen bee that lurked inside. Unlike most conspiracists who are dismissed as cranks, Wickle was one of the few authors whose writings touched such a nerve and so angered those with power and wealth that he was effectively blacklisted from publication -- until the internet came along. In 2000, Wickle, in an astonishing display of authoritic prowess, unleashed a blazing series of posts and articles on the internet, each more biting and insightful that the last. He became a revisionist's revisionist, seemingly refashioning the social fabric with each new post. And he made enemies fast -- enemy of Lucretia Borges, enemy of the Gnomes, enemy of the Democratic party, enemy of the FBI (who declared him an "enemy of the people") and, perhaps most importantly, enemy of the followers of Mormo -- most importantly for Wickle, anyhow, who was found garroted in a crack house on April 29th, 2003, while investigating Mormo cults which he characterized an that "most ancient and evil of Death Cults."

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Wickle's right foot was a whopping size 12, while his left was a more seemly size 9. If middle school locker-room talk is to be believed, his nuts followed suit.