Ritual Murder

From Plastic Tub

Suspicious Deaths

Ritual Murder n. 1. A murder beyond mere murder, intended to conjure psychic forces or manifest diabolic power for nefarious purposes, often political. 2. Method of choosing by means of removal. 3. The final -- unconsumated -- stage of the Massive Dinner Send-Back, as reported in the special Conspiracy Issue of Piebald Magazine.


The most fantastic and notorious example of Ritual Murder is the mysterious case of Ryan O'Donnely. Though local Iagoville police concluded there was no conspiracy involved, subsequent investigations by the newly-reformed Lads and Lassies of the Skillet student group concluded that "even the most reasonable man can see O'Donnely had amassed a wealth of enemies and nemesi, most particularly within the shadowy ranks of The League of Gnomes."

The following is from the Lads and Lassies exhaustive report on the crime, as presented to the Associationalist Propaganda Exposium in 1988 (excerpted):

Though the reasons and perpetrators behind the murder are unknown, O'Donnely enjoyed no shortage of detractors and spiteful adversaries, antagonists, archenemies, aspersers, backbiters, betrayers, calumniators, competitors, contenders, defamers, defilers, detractors, disputants, foes, rivals, slanderers and traducers; it's impossible to sort them in a satisfactory investigative manner. Witness the following:
  1. Addisson reported to police in 1945 that O'Donnely had "spit on my dog." Only later did Addisson admit he was referring to a Coney Island frankfurter.
  2. Cleo James Thurstunwell was ejected from the Gnomes due to relentless character assassination instigated and masterminded by O'Donnely.
  3. In 1967, Verna Cable met O'Donnely in a bar where he tried to slip her a mickey. Being always alert and particulary well-versed in pharmacology and frat-boy strategy, Cable injected him with an instantaneous laxative and bowel agitator. As a result of this incident -- which must have proven humiliating in the extreme -- he arranged a decade-long harrassment campaign, directed through Kthonoïd Defamation Squads.
  4. Dacusse beat his ass severely, and several times. Priding himself on his "ape-like" strength and his O'Donnely Brand Fighting System, he would never have lived this down. It is unlikely Dacusse was involved with the murder, though in 1982 O'Donnely was recorded by The League of Men with Fancy Gloves bragging about having hired hitmen and surly underworld types to kill or seriously maim both Dacusse and his girlfriend.
  5. Jorge Suarez tried to bugger O'Donnely at a Pancake House in Hamperton, Illinois. Heavily rebuked, it took three months for his wounds to heal. Saurez remained bitter about the encounter, complaining to Adid -- "That fella was an asshole -- an asshole for me!"
  6. Numerous ex-employees of O'Donnely's Ribhouse and Honkytonk have complained about "constant violence, arbitrary slapping and shin-kicks; sudden burlesque shows in that creepy hallway to the bathroom; endless groping and winking; incessant punching of the shoulder; and a tiresome array of sports talk, trivia and armchair quarterbacking."
  7. A parking attendant filed an offical report in 1989, describing how O'Donnely caused "a significant disturbance" outside JFK International Airport scuffling with several taxicab drivers "of West Indian descent." O'Donnely was reportedly confused by thier English accents and "set upon them like a wild beast."

In addition to the wild spectacle of the O'Donnely affair, the murder of Dowd Morhart displays undeniable fumic remnants of ritual homicide.

See Also