Lads and Lassies of the Skillet

From Plastic Tub

Also known as Skillet Scouts. Children's group founded by Stimes Addisson in 1953 as a joking response to the Gnome Scouts. The organization, though never fully operational at the time of its creation, was to focus on crime-solving and various outdoor activities. It has since enjoyed a resurgence among college students, environmental activists and amateur sleuths.

Organizational Structure

The Skillet consisted of seven ranks: Kidlet, Cutlet, Baconeer, Short Stack, Tall Stack, Hashbrown and Chop.

  • The Kidlet Grade was granted when membership dues were paid.
  • The Cutlet Grade was readily accessible to those willing to stick it out for a year, pack on a few pounds, memorize a few recipes, and wolf down two eggs and seven flapjacks in three minutes straight.
  • The Baconeer Grade was the third level of advancement available to lucky Lads and Lassies. It is this grade which constitutes the bulk of membership, as further ranking was extremely difficult. Trained as double agents, Addisson personally chose middle-classed fat kids, those who could most easily be bribed with bits of candy and blizzards of sugar. Famous Baconeers were John Candy, Meatloaf and the members of Lionel Hampton's ghost band.
  • The Short Stack Grade entailed eating a bucket of live finches covered in maple syrup.
  • The Tall Stack Grade is said to have involved eating the finger or toe of an an obese man or woman, depending on the gender of the candidate, in a hot dog bun.
  • The Hashbrown Grade is said to have involved a ritual visit with a prostitute in the guise of a watermelon.
  • The Chop Grade, second only to Addisson in command and function, consisted of a triad of enormous children, each of them freakishly obese. In order to gain access to this most cherished rank, each child had to allegedly eat another human being, usually a Crack Stepper or a Troglodyte. Understandably, members of this grade are extremely secretive by nature.

See Also