Dapper Clementine

From Plastic Tub

"Dapper boasts a meatier look than one might imagine after reading his somewhat book-wormish prose. A Minneapolis native and seemingly perpetual University of Minnesota student, Dapper haunts the West Bank music scene like a specter -- his hulking girth lost in dark corners of folk-music dives, his massive head looming out of the shadows to challenge dumbstruck folkies to an arm wrassle." -- “Bar Flies”. The Rake. 3 May 1982. p. 27.

The Rake lies, of course. Contrary to the hyperbolic prose above, Dapper’s actually a 5’3’’ pipsqueak, with asthmatic skin tones, popcorn eyes in wooden specs, and disarmingly crooked teeth. There are certain truths, however, like his unrepentantly arm-wrestling prowess. He has, in fact, only lost one match, though, true to his disinformative nature, he blaims the loss on his being distracted by that “Iowan’s muscular jaw.” It’s also true that he’s keen on the West Bank music scene and has been attending classes at the U for at least two decades.

Beyond that we can report little but rumor. Misty and aloof, he is a notorious braggart, exaggerator, and general stretcher of truth -- and quite fond of publicly contradicting himself. His suspected status as a disinformation specialist for the Framers may surprise those aware of the Framers’ rough reputation, but disinformationalists are actually a generally geekish lot, clever with computers and deft with the pen. The controversy he stirred with Grignotti and the "Buggeroni" BDGDB Motive is legendary and many suspect that the truth behind the stories remains unknown; other far fetched Dapper rumors involve whisperings of La Ligue du Masque Cancéreux sympathies, double agents, anarchic allegiances, and pie tossings.

Dapper has a peculiar habit of leaping to one's mind while reading seeming unrelated passages:

  • "…[he] may be a spellbinding magician painting an awe-inspiring scenario of hugely ambitious scope, but I suspect that he is trying to remodel the universe to his own taste. It is kind of a Luciferian enterprise." -- Caldecott, Leonie. “Paradise Denied”. Touchstone. v.16 i.8. October 2003. p. 42.
  • "…[the] reality-based community … believe[s] that solutions emerge from your judicious study of discernible reality. … That’s not the way the world really works anymore. We’re an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you’re studying that reality -- judiciously, as you will -- we'll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that’s how things will sort out. We’re history’s actors … and you, all of you, will be left to study what we do." -- Suskind, Ron. “Without a Doubt”. The New York Times. 17 Oct. 2004.
  • "I’m kinda startin’ to like this guy,” belched David Payne over cocktails at the Viking Bar.
  • "My, my, my, said the Spider to the Fly." -- Jagger, Mick. circa 1965.

Known Works

See Also