Tub Book: Glossary

From Plastic Tub

Revision as of 00:04, 25 Feb 2008 Payne (Talk | contribs) pasted in the b's ← Go to previous diff		Revision as of 01:21, 25 Feb 2008 Payne (Talk | contribs) pasted camel to crack stepper Go to next diff →
Line 716:		Line 716:
	* [[Tommy the bookie]]		* [[Tommy the bookie]]
		+
		+	Camel n. 1. A desert going vessel popular in Africa and Arab Countries; an oont. 2. A peddler of Stinking Weed. 3. Half the source of numerous hybrids.
		+
		+	Extrapolation
		+
		+	Steven Adkins once raced a camel for a space of some 50 yards before passing through the eye of a needle.
		+
		+	Caul
		+
		+	cowled child n. 1. A child born in big deficits of light, in darkness basically, but effulgent in the extreme, gasping for new breaths neath a forehead sheaf. 2. A congenital defect, particularly one which emerges from the head and dangles afore the eyes. 3. Archaic A foetus, especially one immersed yet by amniotic fluids. 4. Tuf. Street slang for an uncircumcised penis, an unshaved dong, a chinaman. 5. Obs. An enclosure or ensnarement.1 6. A condom.
		+
		+	Emerging Veiled
		+
		+	The cult of the cauled, or cowled, child has enjoyed the scrutiny of scholars from the classical world to the present day, evolving but very little beyond academic gape-mouthedness and heavily footnoted eye-rolling. Though rich in interdisciplinary possibility and ripened for historiographical extrapolation, contemporary surveys are very little in extant, the classic work in the field remaining David Ulansey’s 1972 Origins of The Caulic Mysteries, which reversed most previous scholarship in a gentle loving sort of somersaulting in revolution, a bean bagged naggie bin, which despite itself emerged truly alit and pining after truth and beauty and arrived on ticket, apunched through, nicely.
		+
		+	In it, the hints of a religious network of great antiquity; Ulansey perceived an enpanted power-source, operating with impunity, importuning Fate almost, whose bombs of joy narily evidence the big time engine power of The Sunrise. Describing this tradition as The Caulic Mystery Jam, Ulansey released a series of ruthlessly progressive rock and roll albums under the aegis of the Alpha Chimp. In the white hot beanpole of metaphor, he discovered the Cauls weild immense power in the field of body manipulation, political intriguery, assassination and a most profitable trade in organs, perambulatory limbs and sexual machinery.
		+
		+	From A Stone Ye Shall Rise
		+
		+	Ulansey’s story begins with Marie Devalius of Arles, a Cistercian nun who aroused passions and much apocalyptic speculation in the troubled realm of 14th Century France. Unlike the majority of Caulish children Marie not only lived until middle age, but retained the deformity, which was reported to have continued to grow into her old age, reaching a staggering 37 inches. All forms of wonderment were attributed to her, miracles which to the scholar run like a paranormal laundry list: levitation, a rosy or flower like smell, the gift of prophecy, unusual flexibility of skeleton and muscle and a beatific power to grace those around her with fortune, grace and the two fold pillars of divine beneficence --- the mysterious amassment of gold and silver and the equally baffling appearance of numerous children.
		+
		+	Ulansey reports that:
		+
		+	"According to the historical record and based on several etchings of her, Marie was an evidently comely woman, vivacious, energetically ruddy in complexion, full bodied and scandalously boisterious. Her remarkable beauty suffered but a single black mark -- the enormous flap of loosened skin which emerged from her forehead. The ungainliness of such an appendage troubled her not -- she wore it folded over-head in the manner of a close-fitting cap, or cowl, fastenened behind with clasps of her own device, manufactured of sheep’s wool and calfling leathers."
		+
		+	The skin pub, fortunately, has been preserved in the form of reliquary in Southern France. As in most cases of cowling, Marie’s body defied decomposition though it was later interred in the nearby church cemetery. The cowl, however, remained where it can be viewed to this day, having much the appearance of an oily wrinkle of brown paper. In 1995, scientists from Hamburg University were granted permission by the Vatican to examine the relic and submit to a series of tests and vigorous qualifications. Their findings were startling.
		+
		+	The skin pub was, as evidenced to the naked eye, remarkably preserved, and much detailed analysis was able to be performed. It was disovered that the cowl, particularly in it’s haunch and fore-ends, was a dense cluster of nerve cells:
		+
		+	"By all accounts this woman was wearing a bedsheet sized clitoris on her head."
		+
		+	Moments Away From Time
		+
		+	This might explain some of the odd behavior Marie exhibited in the historical record. For instance, in 1467, Augustinian monk Charles Yuilasand visited the monastery at Arles in order to verify outrageous claims of the townsfolk. When he was introduced to Marie , he found her in the garden, lying on her back, with the cowl spread forth from her head. His account reads like a fevered romance novel, shot through a sow’s ear of Peretian fancy:
		+
		+	"She lay on the ground, or rather perhaps she lay under the benightened sky cannily thrusting it’s mighty weight down upon her, like the endlessly feathering hammer of veal, impressing upon her auto-gyration a beguiling majesty, writhation witnessed by myself as occurring between the manicured hedges and a statue of Our Lord and Savior, his one good and loving eye casting a long intriguing glance, hinting of infinity. Her appearance to the mind was that of a spectacular and mind-numbing manifestion of Nature, a gleaming and rough-furrowed lake, begged of it’s placidity, unfolded by tortuous degree like a dangerous parasol; her forehead appeared to me overflowing as would the waters of the legendary Soul-Bead, bouncing out of her tightened pores with diadems of moon-illumed moisture - and though straining credulity, all the more was the spectacle, due to a contrast in the mind; her loosened caul was by all appearance becovered with a jolly variety of bird-seed and welpling acorn. Unnaturally engrossed by this amazing scene, I further witnessed a cloud of fowls, a cackled and fluttering gallimaufry of the local avian breeds, mongering over these delicacies and dipping their beaks, flecking not a little gore, making a frightful commotion of caged pinion and feather. In reaction and by mine own eye issuing unseemly encouragement, she recoiled not but leaned incredibly her head forward, aswifted about her jutting caul, surely astruck by a baffling kind of divine light-ning, her form rigid in the grip of epileptical throe but nonetheless becalmed, her mouth open slightly and loosening a pendulous groan, her eyes rolling into the rear of her lids, revealing a deep and glorious white, such as that found in the snippering keen of a pearl knife-handle or the opinous and importuning wink of an arse needing the whip."
		+
		+	Here one suspects Ulansey levies upon his readers an immense lark. And yet, recourse to Ullian’s diaries clearly posit a fantastical scene indeed. Another telling anecdote arrives from Father Aminian Farthing, an Orthodox priest from Byzantium. He made the long journey to visit Marie by onieric insistence, having been plaqued by “tortuous dreams and forlorn weepy-style nightmares, where one wakes in the middle of night, screaming in fright descending the next moment into near diabolical laughter, confusing me profoundly.” Apparently, Aminian consulted his Bible and performed the odd ritual now and again and was thus able to snoop out the cause of his nocturnal distressing - a gypsy caravan provided both the answer to his problems and transportation to France.
		+
		+	Drinking Aphid Hints
		+
		+	When Father Farthing approached the monastery, he was soundly rebuffed by the hegemonical qualities of the inhabitants therein. However, having been pelted both in internecine insultery and rotten vegetables, he resolved to spend the night on the road, hoping for better luck in the morning. That night, curled up in his cassock, he had another dream, this time more intense than any he had previously experienced. In it, he was dressed as porter, waiting outside of a door inlaid with fantastical carvings and elaborate bas-reliefs. He wished to scrutinize this marvelous sight, and to investigate the filigree to the fullest extent that his intellect would allow. However, dream life can be cruel. He could only see by a complex arrangement of his body parts, for otherwise his view was somehow obstructed, the world being rendered as if seen from a great distance. Hence, in order to more closely observe what appeared to be a highly skilled rendering of the story of Cain and Abel, he was predisposed to sit on the ground, his ankles behind his neck and his arms twisted to form a curl of knobbed willowill. And to see the elaborate inlays portraying the ascension of our lord and saviour, he was required to bend his back to the sky, his belly upwards and and crossed by his arms, meeting at the elbow with his right leg, ankle turned to the West. His other leg, meanwhile, was need underneath his arched form, pinched at a precarious right angle
		+
		+	Non-Canonical Text
		+
		+	The phenomena of infant morphology has long fascinated persons whose intellectual pursuits lay at their most comfortable in untoward position, reflecting spiritual traditions to which the researcher has -- perhaps only casually -- sworn fealty. Nearly without exception, human religious experience autogyrates between the idea of being and non-being, living and death. The lives of men appear in our soul dramas as but limping children, somehow muscled and terse, mouthing dangerously invented languages of body, motion, of sword's edge and needle's point. To muddle with spyglass and pencil in the naked twilight of this experience is the duty of a lone nut, the errant scientician, the Gnomic up-ender, the Catholic.
		+
		+	It should come as no surprise then, that Europe's Mother Church enjoys a teaming wealth of scholarly information concerning those states of mankind which split asunder the divisory connections between man and animal, angel and monkey, chirping non-life and the waxy glow of gloamy non-existance. It takes a strange kind of man, in other words, to study strange kinds of men -- or as the case may be, very strange examples of newly-birthed children and in particular those examples which display superfluous body parts, glaring omissions of design or unnatural developments requiring immediate medical and priestly attention.
		+
		+	The so-called cowled child, "so richly sensual under its severe, religious folds"2 is just such a spectular birth-object.
		+
		+	Threading The Nut
		+
		+	Characterized by a flap of hanging skin, the cowled child is often born in what it must perceive as a state of woeful blindness.
		+
		+	Tersely sorting this cry from the collective wilderness are the distinctive characteristics which, despite the regular appearance of cowled children, mark each one as unique. In certain Inuit myths, the "reading" of a cowled child's particular "meaning" provided the calendar for everything from seal hunts to making love. In the Algonquin, the word for a cowled child is the same as "imperfect stone." In Europe, however...
		+
		+	....duly manipulated by qualified "seers" or representatives ....
		+
		+	NOTES
		+
		+	Note 1: Caul's etymology traces back to Greek (roughly, in our alphabet, “kaulus”), meaning an elaborate ensnarement or an intricate weaving. The earliest noted usages of the word refer more specifically to sheep’s pens, fishermen's nets, the weave of fate, and the inter-lacing lines of leaves in a head of cabbage (hence “kale”). The term was eventually extended to refer to a spider's web and a women's woven hat or hood. By the Middle Ages, the term was associated with a fold of skin covering the head (as well as with the male foreskin and the female Mons Veneris), suggesting both an enclosure for the head as well as a type of psychic ensnarement, while continuing to carry forward the connotations of linear patterns, as seen in the elaborate wrinkles and veins of the skin flap--hence the term's later usage among “New Agers” for a Native American "dream catcher".
		+
		+	Note 2: Proust, Marcel. Remembrance of Things Past.
		+
		+
		+	Cessation of public activity
		+
		+	Most thoroughly described by Humphrey S. Didium in his landmark study of secret societies, Everything That's Not. Didium (1914-1981) gave a speech at the 3rd AA International Conference which has since given conspiracy theorists a lot of fodder for speculation. His speech, which contained several cursory allusions to Gnome practices, has left many dubious as to his affinities. He was, however, almost certainly not a member of The League of Gnomes or in any way "in the know" about their activities.
		+
		+	In the year of his death he attended an Incidentalist Dead Flesh Bonanza.
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+	Further Extrapolation
		+	The fourth distributive stage of Alpha Chimp material--largely unsuccessful even by the most blindingly opportunistic valuation scheme--is also called "cessation of public activity" aka "going out of business."
		+
		+	Non Canonical Text
		+
		+	"It's time for nap," she said with a glimmer in her eye. He choked on his asparagus, a spear gone down wrong; hands clutched 'round him yanking on his clavical. She licked his ear and the waiter blushed. Drowning.
		+
		+
		+	Charismatic manipulation
		+	Charismatic manipulation thule. 1. A method of speech which relies upon the unspoken move, slyly rendered, amounting to the careful hand-tossing of fact. 2. The movement of information in accord with the ability to arrange objects in a careful line, and according to a predetermined stucture, and ductile, also asconced fatty-like between energetic leaps. 3. A re-alignment of fluid, being an invention, where our understanding is impaired by design, by looking strictly, by abounding through the scarce, and beside the crumby bluntness of reason, defeated. colloq; advice given to the weak, by degree.
		+
		+
		+	See Also
		+	Secret Negro
		+
		+	Cheroot
		+	cheroot n. 1. An aromatic plant, Anstimsus Cerefolium, native to Eurasia, having leaves used in suits and salons; consumed as an open-ended cigar. 2. Any of several related plants, esp. Chaerophlyum Bulbousus, having an edible winged child. 3. Evidence of evocation; a changing of the pantaloons. 4. Manufacturer of smoke and mirrors, one who obfuscates; producer of fume.
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Bleezy
		+	* Stinking Weed
		+	* Whale
		+	* The Worship of Dongs
		+
		+
		+	Chimp
		+
		+	chimp la. 1. A state of absolute liberty from moral, aesthetic or religious concerns. 2. A chimpanzee. 3. A man. 4. A kind of half-man, half-chimp creature, used for amusement or possibly as an exotic side-dish. 5. A humorous monosyllable.
		+
		+	Clamper Trap
		+	clamper trap n. 1. The elaborate hullabulloo created by advertising firms which presents dung as gold and dictates the social importance of newly-created products and services. 2. A professional hoodwinking device. 3. Media objects from the curling genome, posited as the canonical interpretation of Poob Culture, intended for a clamper audience. 4. A public forum where the appearance of something new is being promised, or, more likely, sold.
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* The Farmer Diary
		+	* Heaven
		+	* Logos
		+	* Poob Bargain
		+
		+
		+	Clampers
		+
		+	clampers n. 1. Term used to describe AA sympathizers who either never fully participated in the movement or contemporary artists and thinkers who have only reluctantly acknowledged its influence. In the former category belong Stan Lee, Alfred Bester and Nathanael West, who carried on a lively correspondence with a young Addisson from 1938 until his untimely death in 1940. In the latter category belong Steve Malkmus, Beck Hansen, Matt T and Michael Baldwin. 2. Persons who move with fashionable trends, vacuous hipsters, hanger-ons. 3. A popular Southern Journal catering ultimately to cultural guerillas and Spray-Paint Mathematicians; known in Texas as a vehicle for The New York Invasion.
		+
		+	Extrapolation
		+
		+	The word was once believed to derive from one Ernest C. Clamper: Dandy, aide-de-camp to Ulysses S. Grant, on-and-off sexual partner of Walt Whitman. He never admitted how much of his political discourse was in reality re-hashed Whig-ism and he clung to Grant's coat-tails as if he would slip into an abyss without them. His "Priapic Promes" were derivative, dime-store Whitman.
		+
		+	However, this is fiction. Addisson himself came out with the word when, at the nadir of their relations, he saw Balthazar Buehb almost genuflecting before Stimso Adid.
		+
		+	Addisson: "I first thought of a leech, then a moray eel, jaw about to clamp down on the fish and then retreat down into the hole. One, big clamping mouth. That's about what's it's like to be taken by the arm by a clamper. Ho ho! Write that down!"
		+
		+	Ernest C. Clamper was an extended member of the Slippers family, and thus some kind of distant cousin to Stimes Addisson. Stimes Addisson's father Solomon is originally from Clamper Mountain, West Virginia.
		+	Usage
		+
		+	"What the fuck's with all the clampers?", William Flintrock in the ear of Wilhemina Forkes, overheard at the Second AA International Conference.
		+	[
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Boneyards
		+
		+	* Clamper Trap
		+
		+	* Honeybees
		+
		+
		+	Cocks comb
		+	Poopy Knickers
		+
		+	The secret hand signal of the Crack Stepper grade of The League of Men with Fancy Gloves is called the Cock's Comb. It is made with the right hand.
		+
		+	The Worm Turns
		+
		+	It is also used by Anahinthan members. The Grand Rond in Toulouse, France, features a sculpture of a jolly man, attired as a butcher, one hand amputated indicating high rank, his other hand upon his apron giving the hand signal. Many have speculated that the man in the sculpture is a local leader posing in a kind of daring show of cards designed to provoke, antagonize and bewilder local Gloved Ones. Tellingly, the signal is given with the left hand, which is a reference both to the Anahinthan's oppositional purpose to that of the Gloves and a sign of allegiance to the left-hand path. The amputated right hand is thus emphasized, the inevitable end point to a train of thought which though shuddering at the repulsiveness of the conclusion, cannot but help to feel a strange twinge brought about by years and in some cases decades of georeligious indoctrination (that branch of science so laden with heavy and unfortunate connotations), which so humbly accepts the often bloody dignity (so posited in his or her geomantic thought implants) of sacrifice.
		+
		+	Usage
		+
		+	"The right-handed Cock's Comb is flashed invisible by the secretive Anahinthan, amputated. Thus must we worry! Forever diligence!" -- pamphlet in a puddle, origins unrendered by a muddy trample
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Architect's hand
		+	* Asian Thumbs
		+	* Cock's Comb
		+	* Fancy Gloves
		+	* Fisticuffs
		+	* Hand Pants
		+	* Masturbation
		+	* Unseen hand
		+
		+
		+	Cold
		+	cold op. 1. A state of being defined by its relation to heat or motion, being itself the lack thereof. 2. That state in which coffee is undrinkable. 3. The robotic motions of a prostitute during the act of love; the attentions of a crone. 4. Conflicts enacted symbolically or by elaborate proxy, characterized by Poobic Bluster, a stumbling bureaucracy and the endless proliferation of stand-offs, stare-downs and no-shows.
		+
		+	Usage
		+
		+	"I feel cold." -- Last words of Ahmed Capra, 1962.
		+
		+	"Sure is cold in here... I feel like a nipple-hair on a skinwalker." -- Solomon Witte, 1980, at CBGB's.
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Revelation of the Method
		+	* Ryan O'Donnely
		+
		+
		+	Contemporaries
		+
		+	"If there were a place you could stand while holding your breath but while breathing you could by smirking almost."
		+
		+	-- spoken by two people at the exact same time: 17:53:27 EST, September 19, 1999. Pedro Marquez of San Luis Potosi, Mexico, and Kaoru Hashimoto of Osaka, Japan, both said the words in Algonquin. Both bore an uncanny resemblance to Verna Cable.
		+
		+
		+	Extrapolation
		+
		+	The term itself simply refers to persons existing in the same chronological space; further, there is an implied congruence of activity. For instance, while a house painter could very well be the chronological contemporary of an easel painter, usage of the word in this sense would be considered inappropriate. A more accurate rendering would be the statement: The House Painter is the Contemporary of The Organ Grinder who is the Contemporary of The Unbridled Horsey who is the Contemporary of The Bleary-Eyed Rummy who is the Contemporary of the Easel Painter. And so on. Through analogy the original statement could be considered inviolable -- it is only the extreme degree of associative removal which renders it suspect.
		+
		+	And so goes the contemporary wisdom. Associational thought turns this wisdom on its ear -- or perhaps, its eye. In AA parlance, the greater the analogical separation one can achieve would imply greater relation between the objects in question. Turning again to the illustration above, its correct Associationalist presentation would be that statement which benefited most from a long distance analogical partnering, such as: The house painter is in fact nearly identical to the easel painter or maybe not -- but he's sure as shit a contemporary.
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Creatine Panderbox
		+
		+
		+	Crab Canon
		+
		+	crab canon cc. 1. musical An ouroboric tune that plays the same backwards or forward.1 2. meta. That which is conceptually or literally reversible; that which undoes itself (e.g., palindromes, fancy down jackets, presidential elections, New Orleans, erections, golems, drinks before noon). 3. A mirrored reflection. (No, it clef, er…). 4. Thai term for a male prostitute.
		+
		+	Extrapolation
		+
		+	The follow text is a fragment lifted from Dapper Clementine’s senior thesis, Grignotti and the "Buggeroni" BDGDB Motif:
		+
		+	Bach appeals to the brain: pure head music. From the mathematically rendered precision of his cancrizans canons, looping and inverting like Möbius strips, to the cunning nomenclatural codings like his "signature" BACH motive2 -- Bach's music is a mirrored reflection of a stupefying intellect far removed from heart-wrenching, gut-twisting storms of Beethoven and Stravinsky.
		+
		+	But where to place the enigmatic Paolo Grignotti? Though he clearly stands in the shadow of Bach's intellect, his operatic forays suggest we look elsewhere. Indeed, Grignotti's numerous musical references to Bach's Mass in B minor may be read as homage -- or as "cryptic and often mocking allusions, hinting of ironic insincerity."3 While virtually all living critics agree on Bach's genius, Grignotti's opinion is open to debate. Does he display a sincere, imitative mimicry? Or is it insincere, a subtle mockery? Or is it all simply a case of a somewhat more heavy-handed realization by a jealous Grignotti?
		+
		+	No matter how we read it, Grignotti's evident debt to Bach rings clear in the crab canons and "coded" notations of his wry Buggeroni (1789). Listen, for example, to the reversible BDGDB motive, with its twisting and straining crab canon and its veiled noted references to the infamous "B"iberoni, "G"rignotti, "D"iamanta love triangle.
		+
		+	Grignotti's more bizarre themes have yielded more outrageous interpretations than these lighthearted musical puns. Indeed, before Grignotti's disappearance, there were more than a few suggestions that his music supplied La Ligue du Masque Cancéreux with encrypted directives. Pie-throwings, assassinations and ritual shoplifting were all variously linked back to "this madman's furtive work."4 But all these intellectual readings do little to explain the plaintive cry of The Sharper's Tale (1796) and the bitter stomp of A Sausage Became Her (1797); such heart-tugging tunes suggest Grignotti was made of more emotive stuff.
		+
		+	Perhaps Grignotti is best viewed as striking some peculiar balance, some sort of devil's bargain -- like Shostakovich, who, some one hundred and fifty years later, straddled two worlds, one foot in the avant-garde and a second steeped in romance, from the lonely, frightened howl of Symphony No. 15 to the tight-lipped, head-tripping experiments of Jazz Suite No. 1. It's little wonder he was so torn, for he lived in war-torn world. Some of his earlier work, like the haunting march of his Symphony No. 7 (27 December 1941), was written during the Siege of Leningrad, with Nazi troops closing in on his Russian homeland. Later pieces found him cowed, desperately trying to please the oppressive regime that arose from within Russia herself. Fine – enough about Shostakovich -- his demons are well known. Again I ask, “But what of the enigmatic Paolo Grignotti?” What demons tore Grinotti asunder?
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Daedalus: nine, Peninsula: dead
		+	* Grignotti and the "Buggeroni" BDGDB Motive
		+	* God
		+	* Potato Cannon
		+	* The Untieable Knot
		+	Notes
		+
		+
		+
		+	Note 1: The "canon cancrizans" (as it was originally termed) is a melodic counterpoint (or canon) which reverses the notes of the original melody (the "cancrizans", or "crab", scuttles backwards).
		+
		+	Note 2: That is, the notes B-A-C-H, where H is German for B natural.
		+
		+	Note 3: Professor Newton Periwinkle, Flying Pigs, Grignotes '62, p. 13.
		+
		+	Note 4: Author unknown, Conversations with Flambini Lamenti, 1785.
		+
		+
		+	CRACK STEPPER
		+
		+	Crack Stepper (n.) 1. One who wishes his mother harm 2. The second grade of The League of Men with Fancy Gloves. 3. rep. One who has reached the second tier of the Anahinthan priesthood and who also, inextricably, wishes harm to his mother.
		+
		+	Initiational Systems and the Casual Observer
		+
		+	The initiation rituals attributed to the second grade of the League is suspicious in its use of Masonic ceremonial movements yet it is obvious to occultic scholars that the pomp and circumstance is designed to mislead the casual observer or inquisitor. If a Greenhorn is deemed worthy after his 27 tests he is a viable candidate for the Crack Steppers. The Crack Stepper grade also consists of 27 tests each with 27 questions dealing with everything from real estate and maritime law to preparation and presentation of sushi. The foyer of the Crack Stepper grade is littered with those who cannot meet the rigourous demands.
		+
		+	Accroutment
		+
		+	The Crack Stepper is awarded a Single Sleeve with each test passing. There are 27 sleeves in all, one for each digit on the hands and feet as well as one for each ear and eye. The final three sleeves or Demem Trias are reserved for the nose, the mouth and the genitals. The anus is awarded an inverted sleeve when the crack stepper is initiated into the final grade of Holy Man/Woman.
		+
		+	See Also
		+
		+	* Cock's Comb
		+	* Crack Stepper Jack, the Untold Story Told
		+
		+
		+	Creation Myths
		+	creation myths n. 1. How it all began. 2. An unsuitably heady topic for light social affairs.
		+
		+	Usage
		+
		+	"The pursuit of truth is what keeps us from pursuing each other." -- James H. Billington, Librarian of Congress, explaining why nerds don't get laid.
		+
		+	Non Canonical Text
		+
		+	"And so we wade through truths, mining symbols, myths, and archetypes in our search for the beginning, that original event, that catalyst -- Zeus’ thunderbolt hurled from an inky sky into the primordial seas -- that very thing that triggered it all. To consider the literal truths behind the tale is to miss the point. And so we may find pigs rolling in the first dusty settlements as men toil, seeding the soil; tobacco growing into a catalyst that fuels the flames of colonialism. We may hunt for the earliest invocation of the owl or trace the umbrella back to the stony hearts of men. We may look to that auspicious meeting of friends and find Stimes and Adid, both living on 27th, swapping mail, talking, discovering, laughing -- origins unfolding in the accident of their meeting, the association of circumstance and newfound friends, that first glimpse of the totemic 27, and the trading of letters, like the trading of ideas for years to come. We can even look to the genesis of myths, and find the Fallen Stone fertilizing the roots of the Garden of Eden, entangled in the mystical stuffs of Gnostics. And as we hunt for very origins of man we find ourselves in the damp and fecund clay, shaped and infused with the breath of the gods, forbidden fruits feeding our flickering gnosis, stones hidden in the heads of babes, and the light bulb turning on with first club-swinging chimp…." -- Carl Jung, Jr., winning the argument by boring the pants off the competition at a friendly wine and cheese lawn-party in Iowa with Nevid Kessar.
		+
		+	* Procreation Myths
		+	* The Worship of Tits

---

Revision as of 01:21, 25 Feb 2008

#

27 (nb.) 1. Twenty-seven ones stacked up, placed between twenty-five ones and twenty-six ones. 2. The twelfth prime number.

Usage

"It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are 27 gods, or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg." — Thomas Jefferson

Extrapolation

The totem number of the AA. It appears ubiquitously not only in AA literature and art, but in dates and other contexts generally recognized to be beyond the control of the human hand.

Accidentalists generally regard the 27 phenomenon as a joke, while Associationalists see a more profound, if not mystical, operation at play.

One wily commentator has speculated that 27 represents play as a healthy inversion of work: "If you take the 2 and the 7 you find that 7+2=9 and 7-2=5. The connection: 9-2-5. The 9 to 5! The job, the workplace, the toil for another, 27 is code for this Pooban enslavement mechanism!" Needless to say, this commentator has since been proven insane and rather dull-witted, at that.

See Also

• Reticent 27

Desiderata

The number 27 has attracted wide-spread notice independent of and at first unknown to the editors of Plastic Tub. The number appears ubiquitously in pop culture and in both natural and man-made disasters. Some call it conspiracy. Others call it dumb luck.

3 (sci.) 1. Niggardly vison (see Titor'd). 2. The third number of the alphabet. 3. Three. 4. E, backwards, though not a schwa.

Extrapolation

"Unbarrel 27. There lies Three." — tombstone (see Boneyards) carving, origin unknown.

See Also

• Three Blind Mice
• Triskelion

A

A brandished cane k. 1. A hard-on pulled from the air; the act of creating false vapors. 2. The outcome of a Stabbin' Hat initiative. 3. The hierarchical activation-metaphor used in the early 1990's as a Farm Blog substitution mechanism — a complete literary failure, but surprisingly successful on DVD. 4. The instrument of severe discipline.

See Also

• Mortification
• Run!
• The Worship of Dongs

AA (tng.) Abbreviation and common form of Accidental Associationalism. Not to be confused with Alcoholics Anonymous, the Argentum Astrum or any other quasi-religious organization bearing these two initials.

"Although we speak of 'The AA' and 'AA'ers,' it should be noted that 'AA' has never represented any formally chartered or established group as such, but a group of individuals and groups so-chartered, bound together in a loose affiliation based on shared ideals and camaraderie."

-- Lollop Whitley, Dogs for Checkers: AA Symboliosis and Distance Language, introduction to the 1986 edition, University of Kansas Press.

AA has also stood for:

• Accidental Action
• Association of Association
• Associatio Amicorum

See Also

• The 3rd A
• Mark One
• Who We Are

AA'ers (foax) Participants in the AA.

The term was originally used in Field Agent Smedley Wissock's report to his superiors at the FBI dated October 4, 1968: Internal Report 27a, 1967: The AA and Satellite Organs, Threat Factors and Subversive Tendencies. In a sporty display of life imitating fiction, participants in the group began using the term for themselves. It now refers both to original personages from the Who We Are era and those of the current manifestation known as The Second Advance.

Extrapolation

Wissock was an undercover FBI agent working his way up the saboteur ladders when a nefarious assignment led him to Balthazar Buehb and subsequently the AA. Wissock, often fueled by Dewey Rose's acerbic vitriol, envisioned a wildly complicated AA Conspiracy whose perfidy would have made Jonathon Trenchwheat smile. And it was so that Wissock unknowingly advanced much of the apocryphal mythos associated with today's AA . Wissock, a vehement racist, intoxicated on a homemade concoction of sodium pentathlon and Everclear, failed to complete his plan to firebomb Stimes Addisson's residence when he was spooked by the sight of Mazzistow Carrington and Bashy Gupta exiting. Wissock was eventually dismissed from the force due to security clearance concerns, and it was later determined that Smedley suffered from acute schizophrenia.

See Also

• Psy-op
• Revelation of the Method
• Three Blind Mice

ablation (a.) 1. Surgical excisement of a body part or tissue mass for the purposes of purification or gnostic experience; auto-amputation. 2. The removal or reduction of psychic material from the accomplished. 3. The dissipation of identity by means of analogy. 4. Sacrificing part of the self to save the whole. 5. euph. Suicide, self-immolation, egocide.

"then throws his stump into the upper window it lands upright" — Hot Night of The Universe

Extrapolation

Exactly!

Non Canonical Text

"And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell ... And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter halt into life, than having two feet to be cast into hell ... And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire…." — Mark 9:43-48. King James Bible. "Incidents of auto-amputation in nature trace an inverted bell-curve against intelligence. At the low end, insects, for example, will often eat a leg by accident, and lizards will inadvertently shed a tail when startled. At the upper end, we find foxes chewing off their legs to escape traps and humans chipping off fingers from sheer ennui. But in the middle lies this fuzzy area where we willing plant our cocks -- if you can find it." —- Dapper Clementine. A Nature Lover's Guide to Loving in Nature. University of Minnesota Press, Minneapolis. 1971.

"In the death of soldier or the starvation of a peasant, we rejoice -- for We Are One, and the heroic sacrifice of one reflects the heroism of all."

— Proclamation 13. Stalin (see Egg).

"The lucky Christian in heaven looks back upon death as the ablation of body from soul which purified the self. Likewise, the dead Gnostic may rejoice in the purity of pneuma gained through the sloughing of the flesh. Buddhists, on the other hand, view Nirvana as an absorption, wherein the self is lost or dissipated as the one becomes all. Likewise, marriage or nationalism may be seen as an absorption, wherein one’s identity is lost to a collective, while divorce or desertion may be viewed as a type of ablation".

— a lecture from the annoying professor (what was her name?) [see Note 1]

See Also

• Alice in Wonderland Syndrome (http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=24174)
• Body Integrity Identity Disorder (http://literature.sdsu.edu/2005/spring/301/amputationpsyche.pdf)
• Mad Work
• Moist Air
• Penis Removal (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis_removal)
• The Worship of Dongs
• The Worship of Tits
• Vapor

Desiderata

Adult circumcision is the most common form of Poobian physical ablation. Self-castration is a close second.

I like having a detachable penis. -- King Missle

Kokopelli, a fertility deity and trickster god--usually depicted as a humpbacked flute player and who is worshiped by many Native American tribes in the Southwestern United States--is often depicted with an oversized phallus. According to Wikipedia, Ho-Chunk lore relates that "this penis is detachable, and he sometimes leaves it in a river in order to have sex with girls who bathe there."

The Top Ten reasons to auto-amputate, as culled from Letterman:

10. Cleave a toe to impress the ladies! 9. Lop off a trigger finger to avoid the draft! 8. Loosen your nuts to relieve those pesky pedophilic urges! 7. Eat your own legs to avoid starvation! Beat the cannibal at his own game! 6. Snip off your foreskin to improve the sensations! 5. Clip off an ear and go as Van Gogh for Halloween! 4. Prune a pinky to look like a Chinese gangster! 3. Wallop off your hands and join the Anahinthan! 2. Wack off your cock. It feels good. 1. Check that ego, young man.

Notes

Activities related to ablation include:

• Absorption - Just as running and stopping are opposite points of reference on a scale of motion, absorption and excisement are referential extremities of identity and loss through ablation.
• Apotemnophilia - The rare and dangerous condition of deriving sexual gratification from auto-amputation.
• Auto-amputation - The physical removal of one’s own body parts by one’s self or with one’s permission.
• Bucking Up - Drawing on one’s inner resources to cast out fears; mental ablation wherein courage is derived by the removal of woosiness.
• Exorcism - Casting out demons to purify the soul.
• Brain Surgeries - Trepanning removes a portion of the skull with the intent of created an opened head. Tumor removal purifies the brain. Lobotomies remove the function of the prefrontal cortex to alleviate aggression. Epileptics may remove the corpus collsum to sever the left and right hemispheres of the brain.
• Pruning - Physical ablation of a horticultural nature; also used in reference to Darwinian evolution wherein a species is empowered by the pruning of weaker members.
• Extrapolation - To arrive at the essence, truth, or a state of purity via inference, deduction, humor, or extension.
• Extracting - Withdrawing the desired. If you keep what you withdraw, you are extracting. If you shed what you withdraw, you are ablating or pruning.

Note 1: It was Dr. "Alamo" Jane Jenkins, of the University of Boston. And don't forget it.

Adidian (adj.) A term much debated among disanarcassits, Adidian has been posited as works, relations betweeen humans and the claptrap hovering in between "the bits which matter."

See Also

• Stimso Adid

alcove (n.) 1. Hold that fucking shot!, he cried, a planar bevel. 2.a. Where prospective Gnome Scouts wait in anticipation of their initiation, each an expert. 2.b. More than a niche, less than a cave, equal to combinations.

Extrapolation

Alcoves enjoy an unusual attention from scholars who have failed to attract the respect of fellow scholars and the larger, more profitable expanse of public interest. One could, after all, study the comparably more exciting field of decapitation, breast-thronging or jew-baiting -- but a certain sector of the academic field devotes itself to the intricate investigation of this seemingly banal form of architectural filigree.

An alcove is usually a small space in a room, formed by one part of a wall being further back than the parts on each side. Ideally suited for bookshelves and the like, in certain circles the alcove is empty and hidden by a kind of curtain or ornamental tapestry. Thus concealed, it serves as a spot for eavesdropping. Once considered the ideal manner of discerning private information, the alcove has since fallen out of fashion after it was discovered that sudden gusts of wind can "tip-off" those being listened too. Prior to this, it had been discovered that curtains which had been cut too short were also a giveaway, as the shoes of careless eavesdroppers could often be seen protruding from underneath. Electronic devices, known as "bugs," or lip-readers with telescopes are now the preferred method of collecting discrete information. Yet traditionalists still insist upon the alcove as an indispensible tool, and one can still find them in manor houses and hotels across the globe.

See Also

• Peep-Hole
• Televy Gide

Desiderata

Alcoves have served as a critical plot foil in many a nail-biting scene of Lil' AA.

alembic (kl.) 1. An apparatus consisting of two vessels connected by a tube, used for distilling liquids. 2. A device or entity that purifies through the agency of fume or vapor. 3. Any action or object which purifies according to the methods of sublimation, transmutation, removal, ablation.

Extrapolation

The alembic was put on the map by the actions of several individuals operating under C.I.A. scrutiny but who under torture insisted they were in fact secret negroes working to placate that portion of the pleroma responsible for running the dye-works. Thus could they cut to the quick. Later research, obviously tainted by canonical beliefs, identified the actors as homo-sexuals whose ultimate goal was the destruction of the family.

See Also

• Bath-Marie

Algonquin (n.) 1. A Native American people who inhabited most of the Canadian region south of Hudson Bay between the Rockies and the Atlantic Ocean. 2. A hotel in Manhattan. 3. A slur from a drunkard. 4. euph. A phrase used to indicate one's immediate departure.

See Also

• Cowled child
• The League of Men with Fancy Gloves
• Run!

Altar(s) (nplssd.) 1. Geomantic loci wheron Gods can be the object of direct human communication; the one way post-stop of Hope, Faith and Interlocution. 2. Any man-made object, or space, which seemingly produces praeterhuman phenomena. 3. The stage for a ritual sacrifice; a crematory.

Extrapolation

AA'ers are known to collect small artifacts and curios of some personal significance or interest -- often with a comical aspect -- and to display them in a quasi-reverent fashion within a frame or on a shelf. Objects are sometimes presented ironically, but rarely without at least a sprinkling of earnest admiration and devotion. Sometimes incense is burned and bits of fruit and/or small shot glasses of alcohol left as offerings. Often a symbol of something feared or despised is placed upon these altars in the hopes that the altar's power will somehow lead to its destruction or defeat.

See Also

• Augury
• Desiderata
• Fallen Stone
• Mirtha
• Tomb

ana-associational (ju.) 1. A cognitive incident which though entirely unapparent, appears to exist prior to the instance of its creation.

See also

• Augury
• Associational
• Autotelic
• Poob Culture

ape (v.) 1. When you're angry at something, and you can't describe it, exactly like a deliberation of Thanksgiving, concerning the impossible situation -- earlier described -- of migrating your entire apartment, using only the calories available through an average morning breakfast, usually measured by a mathematical formula that emulates the mass created by an unusually dense occurrence of midgets, most of which appear to be smoking cigars. 2. To imitate, esp. in a mocking manner. 3. n. A hairy and ferocious beast that lives in jungles and shits.

Usage

"Somehow the rumor that William Flintrock is "hairy as an ape" has been making the rounds. Recently as yesterday I heard it. When we hiked the GR10 in the Pyrenées last month, we went swimming. It just isn't true." -- Steven Adkins, June, 2003.

Arab Countries (np.) A series of national monuments erected entirely as an excuse to use the word erected in daily newsprint; a clobbish leap at so-called "psy-op" -- including t-shirt, poster sales we made a fucking mint.

Non-Canonical Text

"...clustered around the Arabian Peninsula founded by a man as he chased an enormous White Whale."

See Also

• Desert Shield II
• Fallen Stone

architect's hand (gdly.) League of Gnomes term for the Unseen Hand.

Non-Canonical Text

"Here the architect’s hand seems mighty as a god’s. Houses appear and disappear at his whim – the people whose lives are radically changed by the activities of this hand are nowhere to be seen; they are given no part in these processes."

Asian Thumb (rok.) 1. A collection of pornographic pictures featuring Asian women, presented as "thumbnails", ay ficare resized to a smaller proportion for group viewing. 2. The beautiful made banal; a mundanity which achieves apotheotic stature. 3. The most advanced of all the thumbs, a pollex a priori. 4. A Beta Chimp prog-rock band.

See Also

• Ritual Murder
• Asian Thumbs on The Internet

asp (n.) 1. A venomous snake, esp. an adder or cobra. 2. One characterized by charm and a devious intelligence; a tempter or temptress; a sneak.

"Beauty -- An Asp!"

-- password used by various AA groups to differentiate invited guests from clampers.

"My dear Kepler, what would you say of the learned here, who, replete with the pertinacity of the asp, have steadfastly refused to cast a glance through the telescope? What shall we make of this? Shall we laugh, or shall we cry?"

-- Letter from Galileo Galilei to Johannes Kepler.

"And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den."

-- Isa. 11:8, prophesying on the Messiah's reign, King James Bible.

See Also

• God

ass (ts.) 1. That which is sat upon, yet poops; eng. arse. 2. A member of the horse family Equidae; a donkey, mule, horse, zebra, or onager. 3. Colloq., awesome, as in badass; also, the opposite, as in jackass or this tastes like ass. 4. The buttocks of a human.

Extrapolation

"The Ass is transformation and stubbornness, dipshit. Where's my beer?" -- A drunken Stimes Addisson, 1993, Mustang Sally's, Tampa, to Steven Adkins.

"The supposed categorization of Mormo Worship as a form of Tit Worship is in error. Mormo Worshippers are, in fact, predominantly ass men of the most profound sort." -- Bashy Gupta, lecturing at the Copenhagen Poob Research Institute.

Non Canonical Text

"Other poets have warbled the praises of the soft eye of the ostrich, and the lovely plumage of the bird that never alights; less celestial, I celebrate the tail ... The compact round body of its root expands into two broad, firm, flat palms ... At the crotch or junction, these flukes slightly overlap, then sideways recede from each other like wings, leaving a wide vacancy between. In no living thing are the lines of beauty more exquisitely defined than in the crescentic borders of these ... its flexions are invariably marked by exceeding grace. Therein no fairy's arms can transcend it ... The more I consider this mighty tail, the more do I deplore my inability to express it. At times there are gestures in it, which, though they would well grace the hand of man, remain wholly inexplicable." -- Melville. Moby-Dick.

See Also

• Glasspants
• Pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey
• Transpants

Associationalism (n.) Without a lattice upon which to string our cognition, Association is meaningless. It becomes Accident. That's how we started the fisticuffs bit.

The chimp on skates is the right leg, after the invisible hand erases your text. The desire to see pigs in clouds, order in boobaloob, read tea leaves, Donald Duck Tarot, to see the fingerprint of God in a turd and its shape in relationship to the croissant you ate for breakfast, the lack of revelation, the construction, the collage the palimpsest of gluebacked fluttering we use to construct our soul advertisement to salvation a.k.a. meaning a.k.a. fun.

Remember: Association is like running vapor through an alembic.

The AARG debated this point in circles, two people often ending up where the other had left off, changing position like so many pairs of pants in motion. AA activity is now generally known as Associationalism.

Paranoia is often considered a form of pathological Association. Salvador Dali once remarked that "Addisson was on the ball, much like a masturbating egret, eating your mother's bald head, will drip like a sparrow into a golden tumour, otherwise known as an egg in pants."

See Also

• Accidentalism
• Incidentalism

augury (n.) 1. The art or practice of predicting the future; divination. 2. An attempt to solidify vapor by removing the accident. 3. The movement of chance, particularized in advance by poets, seers or persons otherwise in the know.

Usage

"...aruspicy, hepatoscopy, scapulimancy, animal sacrifice, ritualized murder...look, kid, I'm telling ya -- if ya wanna control the future, ya gotta kill somethin'..."

Extrapolation

Scene: Lucretia Borges (that infamous clamper and founder of The 3rd A) and Alexandre Dacusse (looking about impatiently) -- both bellied up at local Bronx watering hole. Camera holds on the street corner, momentarily bare, a pleadingly flat shot. Eventually, a figure emerges, then two. They appear to speak.

(smoking a cigarette that is thin, in the european style, unlit)

Borges: "Well, you could, to be sure, chase the whole issue back to free will and what not, but don't you think that's a rather pedestrian attempt to camouflage the obvious religious symbology behind such universal occurrences?"

(still attached to his dumforqu¹  , it's mechanical carapace causing slight discomfort, easily shrugged)

Dacusse: "WTF."

"I'm made of fire." screeches the ballooning tremor of the Nigerian taxi driver, his head, his race, his intention, bald.

Blinking, Dacusse: "Is that some kind of hallucination?"

Lucretia, lifted inches from the pavement, eyes the size of Jefferson Dimes

Non Canonical Text

"Augury is closely related to attempts to control the future. Part of the thinking is that prediction grants one power -- power that can be used to control. But the relationship is more complex. Sacrifice, for example, is used to appease, appeal to, or otherwise manipulate the gods. But the entrails of these same animals are then examined like tea leaves to predict the future". -- John Wickle on Mormo Cults

"Borges has... devoted [much] thought (and money) to this -- though she seems to have really missed the boat. Her writings on the "precognitive dissassociation of the cause behind the action" have yielded such substantial misunderstanding and confusion regarding The Great Schism of the Third AA International Conference that she has been accused of a smear campain by no less than Nevid Kessar". -- John Wickle on Lucretia Borges

See Also

• Ear
• Geloscopy
• Geomachy
• Ritual Murder

Desiderata

Augury was the name of Mazzistow Carrington's sole and only, singular, aside from the many, love.

The ancient Mayans based battle plans on the placement of seeds inside ritually sacrificed melons.

Good luck!

Note 1: You ditch me? What are you doing that tub shit gets annoying -- Johanna.

auto poob cluster (APC) n. 1. Autonomic Poob grouping tactic, structured along organic lines and evolving without conscious direction. 2. The nuclear family unit, consisting of a mother, a father, and one or more children. 3. A suburb; most of America.

See Also

• Auto-Colonialism
• Hansard's Guide to Refreshing Sheep

Auto-Colonialism (n.) A doctrine espoused by Mazzistow Carrington decrying the Death of Everything, which posited that for the most part, people are responsible for their own enslavement. "Entertainment" is re-defined as Death or Something Else. Symptoms include excessive TV watching and a distrust of nature.

Carrington is a preparing to reissue his seminal essays on the subject, re-tooled to explain the results of the 2004 U.S. Presidential Election.

See Also

• Poob
• Poob Bargain
• Poob Culture

autotelic (vap.) 1. Phenomena containing self-created anassociational auto-ascribed meaning; that which manufactures by its essense a closed circle of human understanding; furth. that which is its own end. 2. Thoughts which necessitate themselves, symbolically represented as an ouroboros. 3. The disconcerting fatalism of accidents which arrive pre-associated.

See Also

• Fumes
• Geomachy

B

BBQ (bbq) The barbecue is a ritual enjoyed all over the world. In Latin America is is called a barbacoa, or an asado and even the Hawaiians get in on the action at a Luau. Many philologists believe that the word came into English via Spanish from the Taíno Indians of the Caribbean; the French maintain that it comes from putting a spit through an animal from barbe (beard) à (to) queue (tail). Whatever the origin, however, it is an almost universally recognized symbol of "good eats." The word in this sense not only denotes the event, but the style of cooking.

In America, the word has a variety of linguistic forms, sometimes but not strictly delineated along cultural lines. Ex-Black Panther and chef Bobby Seale maintains that any black restaurant worth its salt calls it "BBQ." White people of the working class know it as the "Bar-B-Q." Denizens of the suburbs go for the more proper "barbecue." As a matter of fact, the variants are used freely among all groups, but the statistical division is an intriguing area for further study.

Whatever the appellation, the ritual is the same. A fire is made. Succulent meats such as pork, chicken, beef, and even ostrich are consumed. The simplest and perhaps most commonly-used meats come in the form of hot dogs, sausages and hamburgers, but barbecue menus can be much more sophisticated. Usually, beer is consumed in great quantities.

Every year, the AA holds a barbecue called the Incidentalist Dead Flesh Bonanza, which includes a fiery chili cookoff.

See Also

• Mazzistow Carrington
• Heartplug

Desiderata

Texans are liable to shoot anyone claiming that Wisconsin is the king of the BBQ. None-the-less, Cheeseheads hold more BBQs per capita than Longhorns. But since Wisconsin BBQs tend to involve boiling foreign meats like "brats" and generally include no barbecue sauce, the Texans may be kings after all.

Banana slut, you? (np.) A company specializing in fine men's pants started by Stimes Addisson and Stimso Adid in 1984, with the financial backing of unseen partners widely suspected to be Yakuza.

BSY?, as hipsters and jet-setters worldwide know it, was the culmination of a lifelong dream held by Adid. He was the inspiration and prime-mover. Addisson, though a member of the board and a fashion consultant, was there to support his old comrade. Together, with almost no knowledge of the fashion industry but between them a wealth of expertise developed over the years as connoisseurs of fine pants, they created a small but reputable firm whose products are sworn by all over the world.

Their one marketing mistake seems to have been caused by the lure of easy money dangled before them by the producers of the International Male catalogue. They badly damaged their reputation by going glam with a series of breezy legwear, using their patented Gilga-mesh fabric, which looked as though it would be more at home in cheesy European gay bars than along the boardwalk. The line was withdrawn and some good-natured self-mockery by Adid on the talk show circuit saved the day; today the pants are a much sought-after item among ironic rich kids.

Bangcock Willie's

Philadelphia bar frequented by underworld types and the more thuggish elements of The League of Gnomes. Somehow, it became the leading gay bar of its era for five or maybe, twelve minutes. It receives an email from a long-lost friend.

"BW's," or "Willie's," opened in 1947 and originally served a rowdy crew of roustabouts and circus performers. It soon became a strange mixture of criminals and homosexuals, given that proprietor Saul Thebo was himself heavily involved with both subcultures.

It was the scene of the infamous Showdown Post Facto between Alexandre Dacusse and Ryan O'Donnely in 1968.

After Thebo's death in 1977, the bar fell on hard times and was closed when the neighborhood became gentrified during the 1980's. The building was soon transformed into a dry-cleaners, coincidentially owned by a young couple from Bangkok, Thailand.

Barataria

Sancho Panza, greedy fool, imagined that he could follow his noble knight, Don Quixote, to riches; he lept when offered governship of Barataria, but the island was pure invention, pranksters riffing off "barato," the Spanish word for cheap.

Centuries later, the phantasmic isle inspired the Spanish settlers who applied the name Barataria to the mouth of the Mississippi river. Three islands lay low in the Bay of Barataria; though prone to disappearing entirely under hard rains, their strategic and semi-tropical location led to a colorful and decadent history.

Jean Lafitte took up residence there in the early 1800s; establishing himself as Sancho's heir apparent in the Kingdom of Barataria, he held rein over a misfit collection of pirates, runaway slaves, and deserters. With imported prostitutes, smuggled rum, and a simple piratanical code, Lafitte established an easy-going live-and-let-live island life.

Guarding the mouth of the mighty river-road, Lafitte kept safe passage for U.S. ships while plundering French, Spanish, and British traders. His "kingdom" managed a sort of quasi-recognized fiefdom-status with the various national players in the area; the United States and the Independent Republic of West Florida held more naturally favorable relations than did the European Colonial powers.

The quick rise and fall of West Florida led to interesting times. Lafitte lent a hand to the rebellion, helping to secure a short-lived independence for the miniature nation. And when Madison proclaimed U.S. control of West Florida, Lafitte welcomed West Floridian soldiers looking to maintain a last holdout.

As there was really little chance that the West Floridians in Barataria could offer any real resistance to the U.S., the "holdout" turned into a debauched party; women and booze, money and fists flew as wild and as loose as befit such end-of-times. A.W. Slippers is rumored to have hunkered down in Barataria with the Albert Kook Gang during these mad apocalyptic days. The privateers in Barataria were eventually pardoned in a deal worked out by their former governor, Fulwar Skipwith, a colorful associate of the Founding Fathers.

See Also

• BBQ
• Florida
• Manatee

Desiderata

Low-slung, free-wheeling, sea-bobbing, & short-lived, Barataria strikes parallels with numerous micro-nations, including Wee-Wee.

A malt liquor marketed towards African Americans is still sold in parts of Louisiana under the name of Barataria. Although named after the obscure micro-nation, the Gothic script lends the brew a distinctly Germanic image; for years the brew's mascot has been the Black Baron, a coal-black WWI Ace with a thick Bavarian accent. In 1976, the campaign for the beer, playing upon bicentennial fervor, was patriotic in nature. The ads featured a smooth-talking Crispus Attucks, who rolled up to the local juke-joint in knee-breeches, powdered wig and cool shades, winning over the dubious locals with a witty repartee and a few glistening bottles of his favorite brew.

bath-marie n.al. 1. A device which facilitates intermediary states of matter, used in alchemical and drug-related pursuit. 2. AA parlance for a bong.

Extrapolation

"Who uses the bath-marie these days, young pups ain't got shit on me, goddam, when I was a youth we put all types of vegetables or any other damn thing in one of them fuckers...."

See Also

• Alexandre Dacusse

Desiderata

Magical place between mix and puree

Beanstalk Hero Myths

In the English-speaking world, every child is familiar with the tale of Jack and the Beanstalk. A naïve young man (Jack) trades his cow for some "magic beans" that produce an enormous beanstalk by which he ascends to the clouds--and the home of a malevolent giant. Jack is captured but escapes with the aid of the giant’s wife, taking along a hen that lays golden eggs. Jack is a greedy boy however, and ascends once again, this time to steal a harp, which, as it turns out, resents being taken. The harp's cries for help attract the giant, who pursues Jack down the stalk. Jack, once safely on the ground, attacks the stalk with an axe, felling it and killing the giant. This tale, both alchemical parable and re-telling of the Prometheus myth, is in turn based upon the older story of Jack the Giant Killer, a tale about a youth who encounters a series of five giants which through cunning and magical assistance he is able to defeat. He even removes the last giant's head and sends it to King Arthur.

Although generally believed to have originated upon Old England's shores, what most people do not realize is that these tales derive from legends native to the Baltic Sea area--Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, etc. In these original tales, "Jaani" unwittingly retrieves a "magic stone" from an unscrupulous merchant who is unaware of its value. (In Baltic versions Jaani gives up his pig, and not a cow.) Under the stone's influence Jaani becomes corrupted; it gives him strange powers of insight that lead to unnatural economic windfalls. He climbs higher and higher in the social hierarchy, eventually challenging the aristocracy, the king, spirit beings and finally, the gods themselves. For his arrogance, Janni is hung upside down from atop a tall tree and his stone hidden away in an unknown place, although some variants say the stone was placed in a jar at the center of the sun.

Dr. Jeanne-Marie Sicre is the first scholar to have linked these tales with Elysius Dubord's brilliant writings on the origin of Mormo and the Sumerian Mommo (see Fallen Stone). She has also managed to link the stories, following the Mormo connection, to the story of the Owl King, a man legend says was turned to stone by the gods (or, in later versions, by God) for daring to set himself as their (his) equal. What is remarkable about her thesis is that legends from Iraq, the Baltic Sea and Southern France are linked in such a way as to suggest a common origin.

See Also

• Procreation Myths

Desiderata

More radical members of the Albion Jack-and-the-Beanstalk Story-Tellers Guild have issued a fatwa against Dr. Sicre for proposing that the myth is not native to British soil.

The Israeli Creation Myth is based on a similar tale wherein Jacob climbed a ladder and wrestled with God. When Jacob "overcame" his "struggle", God renamed him Israel and he founded a nation.

bee b. 1. A totem animal of the AA, notable for their dances and springing jigs

Extrapolation

Krystine Monitzer, Associationalist dollmaker, has a hive in her heart, and the stirring buzzes in her ears and stings her tongue. Send butter; the baby is warm.

See Also

• Auto-Colonial Bee
• Honeybees
• Moist Air

Beer (drk.) Consumed by AA'ers of all stripes in great quantity. Believed to be invented by Egyptians. Currently made by all peoples of the earth. Mormons don't usually drink it unless commaded to by Mormo, in as yet to be illuminated obscure rituals.

Usage

"Do not cease to drink beer, to eat, to intoxicate thyself, to make love, and to celebrate the good days." -- ancient Egyptian creed

See Also

• Heavy drinking
• Second AA International Conference

bicycle n. 1. Two-wheeled human-powered transporter. 2. To rotate between two lovers.

Extrapolation

With the bicycle came the need for the modern road, bloomers¹ , and modern machine shops. Two of these three inventions "paved" the way for the tank. The bike and the tank famously did battle in Vietnam, where it was found that the bike and the tank were equals in war -- if there were no machine guns. As there are, in fact, many, many machine guns in Vietnam, the tank has been driven to oblivion.

See Also

• David Payne
• League of American Wheelmen

Notes

Note 1: "Of course I'm wearing pants! See -- here are my bloomers!" -- an indignant, pant-less roller-blader, lifting her shirt while arguing with a beer-soden Payne in the VFW last night

Desiderata

The bicycle is the most efficient means of non-verbal communication.

...overcoming drag requires raw power. -- Wikipedia

David E. H. Jones (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_E._H._Jones) has a peculiar habit of creating self-proclaimed "un-rideable bicycles" and then publishing papers explaining how he rides them with ease.

"Sociologists suggest that bicycles enlarged the gene pool for rural workers by enabling them to easily reach the next town and increase their courting radius." -- Wikipedia

A boneshaker is not a sexual device. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Motorcyclists call speed wobbles "tank slappers".

Black Irish n. 1. An inhabitant of Albion or it's environs prior to it's invasion by the Celts; a Pict. 2. A western man posessing either black hair or brown eyes, meaning that his forebears slept with slavegirls or possibly with the infidel Moors -- quite likely with donkeys or pigs. 3. A shittier sort of bloke, capable of all things shitty. 4. An evil Irishman.

Usage

"I can tin a scar, peanod over the unctual -- but I can't wink at a black Irishman." - William Faulkner, from My Oreoscopic Vitupe (1948).

See Also

• Ainu
• Neadertal
• William Flintrock

Desiderata

Black Irish who came the U.S. have been mistaken for Catholics and ne'er do wells -- though this assumption has only made them richer! Quite the king is he whose race is golden.

bleezy scot. 1. Affected by alcohol or similar intoxicant; besmirched by besottedness (The red-faced and bleezy-eyed Santa's days were numbered). 2. Wacky tobaccy. 3. An affable street urchin who irregularly graced the Lil' AA strip.

Usage

"Never that homie... Trust, the first one is NOT still wrapped in plastic, and even get a lil play in the hoo-ride... Flamin hot CHEETOES w/ lime!!!! So... $2 & the Highlife'll getcha some muzak... I might even choke a bleezy wit the first taker!" -- posted by Pete Parka¹  on 602 Streets Dot Com (http://602streets.com/publicforum/showthread.php?t=16307)

See Also

• Bolt
• Dewey Rose

Notes

Note 1: "pete parka is not a member of any public groups" (referenced as above).

Desiderata

Bleezy was the inspiration for the seeming incongruous Mr. Magoo and Rudolph-the-red-nosed-reindeer.

blimp n. 1. A sandwich of huge proportion. 2. A clandestine form of communication used by Solomon Witte to speak with headquarters on matters of hygiene, diet and proper dress; unfortunately, not clandestine at all. 3. A flying watermelon; a metaphor that threatens you with imposing air-filled sacs. 4. A fat chick, according to a young Ahmed Capra.

See Also

• Flap
• Run!

Desiderata

Eccentric aviator Art Doll piloted a blimp named Stimso's Gumption from Dayton, Ohio, to his death over the mid-Atlantic in June, 2003. Made entirely of light-weight pants and German coat hangers, the imposing dirigible was fabricated to resemble an enormous flying pancake.

Blind man norp. 1. A person, usually a man, who is deprived of sight. 2. A numbskull. 3. An unusually non-perceptive individual. 4. A sailor's knot originating in Brittany, traditionally ascribed to one Loïc Tanguy (circa 1776).

Extrapolation

At the 3rd AA International Conference, the Associationalists began referring to the Accidentalists as "blind men." One misguided clamper, for example, tried to impress Verna Cable with his wit: leaning over his cocktail, he slurred, "How many Accidentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None! Blind men don’t use lights!" She responded with a knee to the groin. “Oops,” she grinned, "My foot must’a slipped, honey. Well, with any luck now, you’ll associate me with aching nuts." The poor chap was seen later puking in alley, blindingly drunk.

See Also

• Argy Boy
• Blind Man's Bluff
• Eye
• Three Blind Mice

Desiderata

Blind men make great musicians -- and pets!

blindingly drunk now 1. The result of heavy drinking; the primary cause of fisticuffs. 2. euph Poobian mindset. 3. To strive forward quickly, into the unknown.

Usage

"Beer is proof that God loves us." -- Benjamin Franklin

"There are no stars, Captain." -- "King Kong." The new version.

See Also

• Blind Man
• BBQ
• Incidentalist Dead Flesh Bonanza
• Sausage vison

Boer n. (br, bôr, br) 1. A form of insult, usually directed at Men of Science, referencing to that group's predilection for bloviating at length about subjects generally regarded as boring or meaningless. 2. After meals, a disparaging proclamation regarding the quality of the food. 3. A white South-African of Dutch origin (aka Afrikaaner).

Usage

"Madam, the venision is staggeringly boer." -- issued as a dangerous proclamation by night, thoroughly cute, a little sweet.

See Also

• Logos
• Mack Calvin

boing (!) A noise acompanied by springs, especially in coin-operated Punch and Judy shows.

See Also

• Boer
• Bath-Marie

Desiderata

Alexandre Dacusse often mistook this word to mean "bong," a faux pas usually leading to mirth in all present.

bolt btk 1. To fasten or make fast, the locking of a door or entry way; the placement of barriers to progress. 2. To flee suddenly, to engage in energetic egression, to move away, fully; i.e embarassed, he bolted from the party. 3. An ill-used Gnomic euphemism for ritual murder by strangulation often involving the use of string, tangled yo-yo's, a wooden spoon or double-gloved hands. 4. The female counterpart of a screw, plainly, a nut. 5. Used as shorthand, or in quip, for "lightning bolt".

Extrapolation

The citizens of ancient western societies are believed to have worshipped bolts of lightning, in the form of radically charged air, often witnessed gasping surrounded by such, kneeling perhaps and certainly viewing the phenomena as a kind of very elaborate whuppin' from on yon.

Kicking and screaming, the boy was dragged down to the Lithuanian prostitute.....

Ho! I've seen smaller rack on a buck!

Non Canonical Text

"...the lumbering idle-brained beast, head bolted on askew, moaning in agony and desire like a priest in jolly confession..."

See Also

• Knot
• Run!

Desiderata

Superheroes often sub for meaningful shit that would otherwise langour in stoned silence.

The missile fired from a crossbow is known as a bolt.

Suffering from a cleft lip, Argy Boy referred to his wife's beauty as "a bold and short fellow, flailing obdurately, who arrived in the exactly opposite manner thus described."

Many people have bolt-fetishes.

boneyard n. 1. A cemetery -- quite literally, a yard of bones. 2. A hospital or nursing home. 3. A human being, particularly in reference to destination. 4. A type of sailor's knot originating in Nova Scotia. 5. A cityscape dominated by skyscrapers. 6. A homo-sexual dance club or drinking establishment.

Non Canonical Text

"In consequence, the U.S. remains buried in Korea can never be recovered but are bound to be reduced to earth with the flow of time." -- Foriegn Ministry spokesperson, N. Korea.

....floating desperately, hanging on to a gelatinous hook from the sky....the Ace of Spades presented to the hungry void....see Holy Grail

Extrapolation

Mazzistow Carrington's grand opening of the rib-joint Boneyards was greeted with a Philadelphia brotha'-lovin' gala.

Ryan O'Donnely saw otherwise. In his eyes, this new-found BBQ competition was a declaration of war, and he had the vast resources of his O'Donnely's Ribhouse and Honkytonk restaurant chain behind him. Coupons and half-priced deals were scatter-bombed to the public; blimps soared across the skies hailing Ryan as the BBQ-king; prank calls were lobbed into the Boneyards kitchen.

Mazzistow, meanwhile, stood tall, elbow-deep in rich, velvety sauce, nostrils like eyes for the blind. His ribs were impeccable. The lines were soon drawn on race, a dangerous division in times of national race riots.

When the Boneyards burnt to the ground, 1967, one winter night under mysterious circumstances, no one was surprised, least of all Mazzistow. The local Afro-american press decried a tale of woe, broken dreams, and heartache. Mazzitow, meanwhile, laughed all the bank, well-planned insurance policy in hand. Rumors ran rampant, but smart cash was 10 to 1 on a Ryan-induced fire. Mazzistow, rich, slipped off quietly, last half-seen dissolving into the swelling Brazilian metropolises.

In 1974, Mazzistow was suddenly everywhere again, serving ribs to The Champ in Zaire, mediating the Bathurst Gaol prison riots, backing vocals on Ronnie Wood's first solo effort. Mazzistow was not amused, but he bit his tongue, let bygones be bygones, so long as Mazzistow kept out of the BBQ business.

In 1985, Mazzistow published his now-famous cookbook. In 1986, Ryan died.

See Also

• Dead Body
• Death Cults
• Ritual Murder

Desiderata

Work-a-day environs can become boneyards, easily, and often.

Steven Vogeler's Associationalist Composition No.1 features a passage referred to as Brought up in a Boneyard.

A short-story by Alfred Bester, By Leaps and Bounds, features a character named Winthrop Boneyard who can teleport himself for a maximum distance of 3.14 "neo-meters."

bood-lyre dand. 1. A vulgarisation of Bottled Air, the term refers to verse peddled on the streets of New York City in the 1930's, as a substitute for intricate piping. 2. William Flintrock's somewhat denigrating pet name for French poet Charles Baudelaire, as featured in his two act drama, Pork Pie Hat.

See Also

• Amway-Styled Poetry Samples
• Dime Bag of Verse

bruce n. 1. St. Petersburg (Florida) slang for beer, a generative pun (i.e., brews). 2. The act of folding one's clothes meticulously. 3. A surprisingly nude man.

See Also

• Pants
• Poobites
• Tampa
• Twack

Buer is said to be a "president of hell" and a "demon of the second order" who commands 50 legions, but it is generally believed by those in the know that the number is somewhere on the order of 27. His form is that of a five-branched star or wheel, and he moves by rolling himself. Buer teaches philosophy and logic but is also skilled in curing the sick and giving good familiars.

See Also

• Cartwheels of Grace
• Gingerbread Man
• Johnny Cake
• Mormo
• Triskelion

bun hmmmm 1. A gallimaufry breading; sausage container best tasted with Kraut. 2. Half an ass. 3. Ball of hair, knotted on back of a female head. 4. A split roll; edible, pastry ball with two halves, crossed, baked, and buttered.

See Also

• BBQ
• Hot dog
• Punch and Judy
• Smooch

Desiderata

Bum is British for quim.

Butter and Egg Man n. 1. A man of money who spends lavishly and is an easy prey of the gold-digger and other unscrupulous persons. 2. In AA parlance, an indispensable person; without him, there are no pancakes.

See Also

• Tommy the bookie

Camel n. 1. A desert going vessel popular in Africa and Arab Countries; an oont. 2. A peddler of Stinking Weed. 3. Half the source of numerous hybrids.

Extrapolation

Steven Adkins once raced a camel for a space of some 50 yards before passing through the eye of a needle.

Caul

cowled child n. 1. A child born in big deficits of light, in darkness basically, but effulgent in the extreme, gasping for new breaths neath a forehead sheaf. 2. A congenital defect, particularly one which emerges from the head and dangles afore the eyes. 3. Archaic A foetus, especially one immersed yet by amniotic fluids. 4. Tuf. Street slang for an uncircumcised penis, an unshaved dong, a chinaman. 5. Obs. An enclosure or ensnarement.1 6. A condom.

Emerging Veiled

The cult of the cauled, or cowled, child has enjoyed the scrutiny of scholars from the classical world to the present day, evolving but very little beyond academic gape-mouthedness and heavily footnoted eye-rolling. Though rich in interdisciplinary possibility and ripened for historiographical extrapolation, contemporary surveys are very little in extant, the classic work in the field remaining David Ulansey’s 1972 Origins of The Caulic Mysteries, which reversed most previous scholarship in a gentle loving sort of somersaulting in revolution, a bean bagged naggie bin, which despite itself emerged truly alit and pining after truth and beauty and arrived on ticket, apunched through, nicely.

In it, the hints of a religious network of great antiquity; Ulansey perceived an enpanted power-source, operating with impunity, importuning Fate almost, whose bombs of joy narily evidence the big time engine power of The Sunrise. Describing this tradition as The Caulic Mystery Jam, Ulansey released a series of ruthlessly progressive rock and roll albums under the aegis of the Alpha Chimp. In the white hot beanpole of metaphor, he discovered the Cauls weild immense power in the field of body manipulation, political intriguery, assassination and a most profitable trade in organs, perambulatory limbs and sexual machinery.

From A Stone Ye Shall Rise

Ulansey’s story begins with Marie Devalius of Arles, a Cistercian nun who aroused passions and much apocalyptic speculation in the troubled realm of 14th Century France. Unlike the majority of Caulish children Marie not only lived until middle age, but retained the deformity, which was reported to have continued to grow into her old age, reaching a staggering 37 inches. All forms of wonderment were attributed to her, miracles which to the scholar run like a paranormal laundry list: levitation, a rosy or flower like smell, the gift of prophecy, unusual flexibility of skeleton and muscle and a beatific power to grace those around her with fortune, grace and the two fold pillars of divine beneficence --- the mysterious amassment of gold and silver and the equally baffling appearance of numerous children.

Ulansey reports that:

"According to the historical record and based on several etchings of her, Marie was an evidently comely woman, vivacious, energetically ruddy in complexion, full bodied and scandalously boisterious. Her remarkable beauty suffered but a single black mark -- the enormous flap of loosened skin which emerged from her forehead. The ungainliness of such an appendage troubled her not -- she wore it folded over-head in the manner of a close-fitting cap, or cowl, fastenened behind with clasps of her own device, manufactured of sheep’s wool and calfling leathers."

The skin pub, fortunately, has been preserved in the form of reliquary in Southern France. As in most cases of cowling, Marie’s body defied decomposition though it was later interred in the nearby church cemetery. The cowl, however, remained where it can be viewed to this day, having much the appearance of an oily wrinkle of brown paper. In 1995, scientists from Hamburg University were granted permission by the Vatican to examine the relic and submit to a series of tests and vigorous qualifications. Their findings were startling.

The skin pub was, as evidenced to the naked eye, remarkably preserved, and much detailed analysis was able to be performed. It was disovered that the cowl, particularly in it’s haunch and fore-ends, was a dense cluster of nerve cells:

"By all accounts this woman was wearing a bedsheet sized clitoris on her head."

Moments Away From Time

This might explain some of the odd behavior Marie exhibited in the historical record. For instance, in 1467, Augustinian monk Charles Yuilasand visited the monastery at Arles in order to verify outrageous claims of the townsfolk. When he was introduced to Marie , he found her in the garden, lying on her back, with the cowl spread forth from her head. His account reads like a fevered romance novel, shot through a sow’s ear of Peretian fancy:

   "She lay on the ground, or rather perhaps she lay under the benightened sky cannily thrusting it’s mighty weight down upon her, like the endlessly feathering hammer of veal, impressing upon her auto-gyration a beguiling majesty, writhation witnessed by myself as occurring between the manicured hedges and a statue of Our Lord and Savior, his one good and loving eye casting a long intriguing glance, hinting of infinity. Her appearance to the mind was that of a spectacular and mind-numbing manifestion of Nature, a gleaming and rough-furrowed lake, begged of it’s placidity, unfolded by tortuous degree like a dangerous parasol; her forehead appeared to me overflowing as would the waters of the legendary Soul-Bead, bouncing out of her tightened pores with diadems of moon-illumed moisture - and though straining credulity, all the more was the spectacle, due to a contrast in the mind; her loosened caul was by all appearance becovered with a jolly variety of bird-seed and welpling acorn. Unnaturally engrossed by this amazing scene, I further witnessed a cloud of fowls, a cackled and fluttering gallimaufry of the local avian breeds, mongering over these delicacies and dipping their beaks, flecking not a little gore, making a frightful commotion of caged pinion and feather. In reaction and by mine own eye issuing unseemly encouragement, she recoiled not but leaned incredibly her head forward, aswifted about her jutting caul, surely astruck by a baffling kind of divine light-ning, her form rigid in the grip of epileptical throe but nonetheless becalmed, her mouth open slightly and loosening a pendulous groan, her eyes rolling into the rear of her lids, revealing a deep and glorious white, such as that found in the snippering keen of a pearl knife-handle or the opinous and importuning wink of an arse needing the whip." 

Here one suspects Ulansey levies upon his readers an immense lark. And yet, recourse to Ullian’s diaries clearly posit a fantastical scene indeed. Another telling anecdote arrives from Father Aminian Farthing, an Orthodox priest from Byzantium. He made the long journey to visit Marie by onieric insistence, having been plaqued by “tortuous dreams and forlorn weepy-style nightmares, where one wakes in the middle of night, screaming in fright descending the next moment into near diabolical laughter, confusing me profoundly.” Apparently, Aminian consulted his Bible and performed the odd ritual now and again and was thus able to snoop out the cause of his nocturnal distressing - a gypsy caravan provided both the answer to his problems and transportation to France.

Drinking Aphid Hints

When Father Farthing approached the monastery, he was soundly rebuffed by the hegemonical qualities of the inhabitants therein. However, having been pelted both in internecine insultery and rotten vegetables, he resolved to spend the night on the road, hoping for better luck in the morning. That night, curled up in his cassock, he had another dream, this time more intense than any he had previously experienced. In it, he was dressed as porter, waiting outside of a door inlaid with fantastical carvings and elaborate bas-reliefs. He wished to scrutinize this marvelous sight, and to investigate the filigree to the fullest extent that his intellect would allow. However, dream life can be cruel. He could only see by a complex arrangement of his body parts, for otherwise his view was somehow obstructed, the world being rendered as if seen from a great distance. Hence, in order to more closely observe what appeared to be a highly skilled rendering of the story of Cain and Abel, he was predisposed to sit on the ground, his ankles behind his neck and his arms twisted to form a curl of knobbed willowill. And to see the elaborate inlays portraying the ascension of our lord and saviour, he was required to bend his back to the sky, his belly upwards and and crossed by his arms, meeting at the elbow with his right leg, ankle turned to the West. His other leg, meanwhile, was need underneath his arched form, pinched at a precarious right angle

Non-Canonical Text

The phenomena of infant morphology has long fascinated persons whose intellectual pursuits lay at their most comfortable in untoward position, reflecting spiritual traditions to which the researcher has -- perhaps only casually -- sworn fealty. Nearly without exception, human religious experience autogyrates between the idea of being and non-being, living and death. The lives of men appear in our soul dramas as but limping children, somehow muscled and terse, mouthing dangerously invented languages of body, motion, of sword's edge and needle's point. To muddle with spyglass and pencil in the naked twilight of this experience is the duty of a lone nut, the errant scientician, the Gnomic up-ender, the Catholic.

It should come as no surprise then, that Europe's Mother Church enjoys a teaming wealth of scholarly information concerning those states of mankind which split asunder the divisory connections between man and animal, angel and monkey, chirping non-life and the waxy glow of gloamy non-existance. It takes a strange kind of man, in other words, to study strange kinds of men -- or as the case may be, very strange examples of newly-birthed children and in particular those examples which display superfluous body parts, glaring omissions of design or unnatural developments requiring immediate medical and priestly attention.

The so-called cowled child, "so richly sensual under its severe, religious folds"2 is just such a spectular birth-object.

Threading The Nut

Characterized by a flap of hanging skin, the cowled child is often born in what it must perceive as a state of woeful blindness.

Tersely sorting this cry from the collective wilderness are the distinctive characteristics which, despite the regular appearance of cowled children, mark each one as unique. In certain Inuit myths, the "reading" of a cowled child's particular "meaning" provided the calendar for everything from seal hunts to making love. In the Algonquin, the word for a cowled child is the same as "imperfect stone." In Europe, however...

....duly manipulated by qualified "seers" or representatives ....

NOTES

Note 1: Caul's etymology traces back to Greek (roughly, in our alphabet, “kaulus”), meaning an elaborate ensnarement or an intricate weaving. The earliest noted usages of the word refer more specifically to sheep’s pens, fishermen's nets, the weave of fate, and the inter-lacing lines of leaves in a head of cabbage (hence “kale”). The term was eventually extended to refer to a spider's web and a women's woven hat or hood. By the Middle Ages, the term was associated with a fold of skin covering the head (as well as with the male foreskin and the female Mons Veneris), suggesting both an enclosure for the head as well as a type of psychic ensnarement, while continuing to carry forward the connotations of linear patterns, as seen in the elaborate wrinkles and veins of the skin flap--hence the term's later usage among “New Agers” for a Native American "dream catcher".

Note 2: Proust, Marcel. Remembrance of Things Past.

Cessation of public activity

Most thoroughly described by Humphrey S. Didium in his landmark study of secret societies, Everything That's Not. Didium (1914-1981) gave a speech at the 3rd AA International Conference which has since given conspiracy theorists a lot of fodder for speculation. His speech, which contained several cursory allusions to Gnome practices, has left many dubious as to his affinities. He was, however, almost certainly not a member of The League of Gnomes or in any way "in the know" about their activities.

In the year of his death he attended an Incidentalist Dead Flesh Bonanza.

Further Extrapolation The fourth distributive stage of Alpha Chimp material--largely unsuccessful even by the most blindingly opportunistic valuation scheme--is also called "cessation of public activity" aka "going out of business."

Non Canonical Text

"It's time for nap," she said with a glimmer in her eye. He choked on his asparagus, a spear gone down wrong; hands clutched 'round him yanking on his clavical. She licked his ear and the waiter blushed. Drowning.

Charismatic manipulation Charismatic manipulation thule. 1. A method of speech which relies upon the unspoken move, slyly rendered, amounting to the careful hand-tossing of fact. 2. The movement of information in accord with the ability to arrange objects in a careful line, and according to a predetermined stucture, and ductile, also asconced fatty-like between energetic leaps. 3. A re-alignment of fluid, being an invention, where our understanding is impaired by design, by looking strictly, by abounding through the scarce, and beside the crumby bluntness of reason, defeated. colloq; advice given to the weak, by degree.

See Also

  Secret Negro

Cheroot cheroot n. 1. An aromatic plant, Anstimsus Cerefolium, native to Eurasia, having leaves used in suits and salons; consumed as an open-ended cigar. 2. Any of several related plants, esp. Chaerophlyum Bulbousus, having an edible winged child. 3. Evidence of evocation; a changing of the pantaloons. 4. Manufacturer of smoke and mirrors, one who obfuscates; producer of fume.

See Also

   * Bleezy
   * Stinking Weed
   * Whale
   * The Worship of Dongs 

Chimp

chimp la. 1. A state of absolute liberty from moral, aesthetic or religious concerns. 2. A chimpanzee. 3. A man. 4. A kind of half-man, half-chimp creature, used for amusement or possibly as an exotic side-dish. 5. A humorous monosyllable.

Clamper Trap clamper trap n. 1. The elaborate hullabulloo created by advertising firms which presents dung as gold and dictates the social importance of newly-created products and services. 2. A professional hoodwinking device. 3. Media objects from the curling genome, posited as the canonical interpretation of Poob Culture, intended for a clamper audience. 4. A public forum where the appearance of something new is being promised, or, more likely, sold.

See Also

   * The Farmer Diary
   * Heaven
   * Logos
   * Poob Bargain

Clampers

clampers n. 1. Term used to describe AA sympathizers who either never fully participated in the movement or contemporary artists and thinkers who have only reluctantly acknowledged its influence. In the former category belong Stan Lee, Alfred Bester and Nathanael West, who carried on a lively correspondence with a young Addisson from 1938 until his untimely death in 1940. In the latter category belong Steve Malkmus, Beck Hansen, Matt T and Michael Baldwin. 2. Persons who move with fashionable trends, vacuous hipsters, hanger-ons. 3. A popular Southern Journal catering ultimately to cultural guerillas and Spray-Paint Mathematicians; known in Texas as a vehicle for The New York Invasion.

Extrapolation

The word was once believed to derive from one Ernest C. Clamper: Dandy, aide-de-camp to Ulysses S. Grant, on-and-off sexual partner of Walt Whitman. He never admitted how much of his political discourse was in reality re-hashed Whig-ism and he clung to Grant's coat-tails as if he would slip into an abyss without them. His "Priapic Promes" were derivative, dime-store Whitman.

However, this is fiction. Addisson himself came out with the word when, at the nadir of their relations, he saw Balthazar Buehb almost genuflecting before Stimso Adid.

Addisson: "I first thought of a leech, then a moray eel, jaw about to clamp down on the fish and then retreat down into the hole. One, big clamping mouth. That's about what's it's like to be taken by the arm by a clamper. Ho ho! Write that down!"

Ernest C. Clamper was an extended member of the Slippers family, and thus some kind of distant cousin to Stimes Addisson. Stimes Addisson's father Solomon is originally from Clamper Mountain, West Virginia. Usage

"What the fuck's with all the clampers?", William Flintrock in the ear of Wilhemina Forkes, overheard at the Second AA International Conference. [ See Also

   * Boneyards 

   * Clamper Trap 

   * Honeybees

Cocks comb Poopy Knickers

The secret hand signal of the Crack Stepper grade of The League of Men with Fancy Gloves is called the Cock's Comb. It is made with the right hand.

The Worm Turns

It is also used by Anahinthan members. The Grand Rond in Toulouse, France, features a sculpture of a jolly man, attired as a butcher, one hand amputated indicating high rank, his other hand upon his apron giving the hand signal. Many have speculated that the man in the sculpture is a local leader posing in a kind of daring show of cards designed to provoke, antagonize and bewilder local Gloved Ones. Tellingly, the signal is given with the left hand, which is a reference both to the Anahinthan's oppositional purpose to that of the Gloves and a sign of allegiance to the left-hand path. The amputated right hand is thus emphasized, the inevitable end point to a train of thought which though shuddering at the repulsiveness of the conclusion, cannot but help to feel a strange twinge brought about by years and in some cases decades of georeligious indoctrination (that branch of science so laden with heavy and unfortunate connotations), which so humbly accepts the often bloody dignity (so posited in his or her geomantic thought implants) of sacrifice.

Usage

"The right-handed Cock's Comb is flashed invisible by the secretive Anahinthan, amputated. Thus must we worry! Forever diligence!" -- pamphlet in a puddle, origins unrendered by a muddy trample

See Also

   * Architect's hand
   * Asian Thumbs
   * Cock's Comb
   * Fancy Gloves
   * Fisticuffs
   * Hand Pants
   * Masturbation
   * Unseen hand 

Cold cold op. 1. A state of being defined by its relation to heat or motion, being itself the lack thereof. 2. That state in which coffee is undrinkable. 3. The robotic motions of a prostitute during the act of love; the attentions of a crone. 4. Conflicts enacted symbolically or by elaborate proxy, characterized by Poobic Bluster, a stumbling bureaucracy and the endless proliferation of stand-offs, stare-downs and no-shows.

Usage

"I feel cold." -- Last words of Ahmed Capra, 1962.

"Sure is cold in here... I feel like a nipple-hair on a skinwalker." -- Solomon Witte, 1980, at CBGB's.

See Also

   * Revelation of the Method
   * Ryan O'Donnely 

Contemporaries

"If there were a place you could stand while holding your breath but while breathing you could by smirking almost."

   -- spoken by two people at the exact same time: 17:53:27 EST, September 19, 1999. Pedro Marquez of San Luis Potosi, Mexico, and Kaoru Hashimoto of Osaka, Japan, both said the words in Algonquin. Both bore an uncanny resemblance to Verna Cable. 

Extrapolation

The term itself simply refers to persons existing in the same chronological space; further, there is an implied congruence of activity. For instance, while a house painter could very well be the chronological contemporary of an easel painter, usage of the word in this sense would be considered inappropriate. A more accurate rendering would be the statement: The House Painter is the Contemporary of The Organ Grinder who is the Contemporary of The Unbridled Horsey who is the Contemporary of The Bleary-Eyed Rummy who is the Contemporary of the Easel Painter. And so on. Through analogy the original statement could be considered inviolable -- it is only the extreme degree of associative removal which renders it suspect.

And so goes the contemporary wisdom. Associational thought turns this wisdom on its ear -- or perhaps, its eye. In AA parlance, the greater the analogical separation one can achieve would imply greater relation between the objects in question. Turning again to the illustration above, its correct Associationalist presentation would be that statement which benefited most from a long distance analogical partnering, such as: The house painter is in fact nearly identical to the easel painter or maybe not -- but he's sure as shit a contemporary.

See Also

   * Creatine Panderbox 

Crab Canon

crab canon cc. 1. musical An ouroboric tune that plays the same backwards or forward.1 2. meta. That which is conceptually or literally reversible; that which undoes itself (e.g., palindromes, fancy down jackets, presidential elections, New Orleans, erections, golems, drinks before noon). 3. A mirrored reflection. (No, it clef, er…). 4. Thai term for a male prostitute.

Extrapolation

The follow text is a fragment lifted from Dapper Clementine’s senior thesis, Grignotti and the "Buggeroni" BDGDB Motif:

Bach appeals to the brain: pure head music. From the mathematically rendered precision of his cancrizans canons, looping and inverting like Möbius strips, to the cunning nomenclatural codings like his "signature" BACH motive2 -- Bach's music is a mirrored reflection of a stupefying intellect far removed from heart-wrenching, gut-twisting storms of Beethoven and Stravinsky.

But where to place the enigmatic Paolo Grignotti? Though he clearly stands in the shadow of Bach's intellect, his operatic forays suggest we look elsewhere. Indeed, Grignotti's numerous musical references to Bach's Mass in B minor may be read as homage -- or as "cryptic and often mocking allusions, hinting of ironic insincerity."3 While virtually all living critics agree on Bach's genius, Grignotti's opinion is open to debate. Does he display a sincere, imitative mimicry? Or is it insincere, a subtle mockery? Or is it all simply a case of a somewhat more heavy-handed realization by a jealous Grignotti?

No matter how we read it, Grignotti's evident debt to Bach rings clear in the crab canons and "coded" notations of his wry Buggeroni (1789). Listen, for example, to the reversible BDGDB motive, with its twisting and straining crab canon and its veiled noted references to the infamous "B"iberoni, "G"rignotti, "D"iamanta love triangle.

Grignotti's more bizarre themes have yielded more outrageous interpretations than these lighthearted musical puns. Indeed, before Grignotti's disappearance, there were more than a few suggestions that his music supplied La Ligue du Masque Cancéreux with encrypted directives. Pie-throwings, assassinations and ritual shoplifting were all variously linked back to "this madman's furtive work."4 But all these intellectual readings do little to explain the plaintive cry of The Sharper's Tale (1796) and the bitter stomp of A Sausage Became Her (1797); such heart-tugging tunes suggest Grignotti was made of more emotive stuff.

Perhaps Grignotti is best viewed as striking some peculiar balance, some sort of devil's bargain -- like Shostakovich, who, some one hundred and fifty years later, straddled two worlds, one foot in the avant-garde and a second steeped in romance, from the lonely, frightened howl of Symphony No. 15 to the tight-lipped, head-tripping experiments of Jazz Suite No. 1. It's little wonder he was so torn, for he lived in war-torn world. Some of his earlier work, like the haunting march of his Symphony No. 7 (27 December 1941), was written during the Siege of Leningrad, with Nazi troops closing in on his Russian homeland. Later pieces found him cowed, desperately trying to please the oppressive regime that arose from within Russia herself. Fine – enough about Shostakovich -- his demons are well known. Again I ask, “But what of the enigmatic Paolo Grignotti?” What demons tore Grinotti asunder?

See Also

   * Daedalus: nine, Peninsula: dead
   * Grignotti and the "Buggeroni" BDGDB Motive
   * God
   * Potato Cannon
   * The Untieable Knot
     Notes

Note 1: The "canon cancrizans" (as it was originally termed) is a melodic counterpoint (or canon) which reverses the notes of the original melody (the "cancrizans", or "crab", scuttles backwards).

Note 2: That is, the notes B-A-C-H, where H is German for B natural.

Note 3: Professor Newton Periwinkle, Flying Pigs, Grignotes '62, p. 13.

Note 4: Author unknown, Conversations with Flambini Lamenti, 1785.

CRACK STEPPER

Crack Stepper (n.) 1. One who wishes his mother harm 2. The second grade of The League of Men with Fancy Gloves. 3. rep. One who has reached the second tier of the Anahinthan priesthood and who also, inextricably, wishes harm to his mother.

Initiational Systems and the Casual Observer

The initiation rituals attributed to the second grade of the League is suspicious in its use of Masonic ceremonial movements yet it is obvious to occultic scholars that the pomp and circumstance is designed to mislead the casual observer or inquisitor. If a Greenhorn is deemed worthy after his 27 tests he is a viable candidate for the Crack Steppers. The Crack Stepper grade also consists of 27 tests each with 27 questions dealing with everything from real estate and maritime law to preparation and presentation of sushi. The foyer of the Crack Stepper grade is littered with those who cannot meet the rigourous demands.

Accroutment

The Crack Stepper is awarded a Single Sleeve with each test passing. There are 27 sleeves in all, one for each digit on the hands and feet as well as one for each ear and eye. The final three sleeves or Demem Trias are reserved for the nose, the mouth and the genitals. The anus is awarded an inverted sleeve when the crack stepper is initiated into the final grade of Holy Man/Woman.

See Also

   * Cock's Comb
   * Crack Stepper Jack, the Untold Story Told

Creation Myths creation myths n. 1. How it all began. 2. An unsuitably heady topic for light social affairs.

Usage

"The pursuit of truth is what keeps us from pursuing each other." -- James H. Billington, Librarian of Congress, explaining why nerds don't get laid.

Non Canonical Text

"And so we wade through truths, mining symbols, myths, and archetypes in our search for the beginning, that original event, that catalyst -- Zeus’ thunderbolt hurled from an inky sky into the primordial seas -- that very thing that triggered it all. To consider the literal truths behind the tale is to miss the point. And so we may find pigs rolling in the first dusty settlements as men toil, seeding the soil; tobacco growing into a catalyst that fuels the flames of colonialism. We may hunt for the earliest invocation of the owl or trace the umbrella back to the stony hearts of men. We may look to that auspicious meeting of friends and find Stimes and Adid, both living on 27th, swapping mail, talking, discovering, laughing -- origins unfolding in the accident of their meeting, the association of circumstance and newfound friends, that first glimpse of the totemic 27, and the trading of letters, like the trading of ideas for years to come. We can even look to the genesis of myths, and find the Fallen Stone fertilizing the roots of the Garden of Eden, entangled in the mystical stuffs of Gnostics. And as we hunt for very origins of man we find ourselves in the damp and fecund clay, shaped and infused with the breath of the gods, forbidden fruits feeding our flickering gnosis, stones hidden in the heads of babes, and the light bulb turning on with first club-swinging chimp…." -- Carl Jung, Jr., winning the argument by boring the pants off the competition at a friendly wine and cheese lawn-party in Iowa with Nevid Kessar.

   * Procreation Myths
   * The Worship of Tits