Hand Pants

Extrapolation

The earliest known hand-pants were fashioned from available animal stock, wrought from indelicate portions such as the stomach, bladder testicle pouches. Composed thusly from the crudest of available material, they featured no articulation for the fingers and rarely functioned for any reasonable length of time, often serving but once. Worn as a loose-fitting bag, this proto-glove functioned well as a simple protective device; though beyond such obvious utility, the glove quickly evolved as a social signifier, an indicator of rank and as such was believed to endow the bearer with occult powers. A gloved individual, for instance, can reach into the fire to retrieve a fallen item or manipulate hot coals -- or perhaps simply in a show of bravado, a perfomance no doubt mawkishly noted by other members of the tribe, particularly those circumbscribed by a fear of the unknown, awe-struck by the apparently super-natural origins of technology.

Following this, gloves are perhaps the earliest known example of magical vestment, articles of clothing or personal accoutremont thought to posses other-worldy, mystical powers. In a practical sense, particularly with hand-pants, this belief is understandable -- the glove indeed bestows the power. A nude hand will singe in the fire, helpless, it's owner enjoys no innate ability to defy Nature. The hand-pant, however, temporarily transfers it's power to the hand and indeed, as is most importantly understood, migrates it's mystical character to anyone's hand. In this, hand-pants are similar to hats, which enjoy a prolonged reputation as vaporic conduits, ably demonstrated by the popular Victorian phrase, "the hat makes the man."

Usage

"Our pants, our hands, our Destiny's referal by inclusion, our messy faces clogging out through the patio of our Speecch -- We Acclaim Those Bits, but so do we muddle about in the realm of shadow -- we speak loudly I mean. And this Speech will be heard --- It will flop about half naked and skimming vast profits . . . " -- Hermann Goering, 'An Accidental Strife.'

Non-Canonical Text

A mastation gloomy, kind of like passing shadows, etc: perfected in Victorian England, exported shortly, and lately trumpeted by Steven Adkins; though lately his fame casts a largely conservative shadow, it manifests nonetheless in spangled star-panted contact with foreign interests, gnomically rolling and diffuse entirely, consumed with a vapor --- fuming mad perhaps, ever-concentrated, crossing immense and material fingers.

See Also

• Fumes

Desiderata

Hand pants saved the Earth from barbarism, say most religious leaders.

Alfred Bester was known to sport a sequined glove at AA parties.

Guvernor Morris, tramautized by the death of a family friend in a vicious duel, developed a severe glove phobia. Having seen said friend slapped across the face with a black glove by a masked challenger demanding "satisfaction," he developed in his child's mind the idea that it was the glove which killed his friend. In his sonnets, especially On this stuff called Poop, gloves are Associated with Death and masks become "fingerless face gloves".

The Hand Pants were a short-lived and explosively popular Beta Chimp band comprised of the original Tingles.