Guvernor Morris

From Plastic Tub

American, 1752-1816. He doesn't show up until the séance, and then only for a moment, as Albert Kook is skeptical enough to destroy even animism, given a chance, that! He is pure vapor. He receives a comb.

Guv was taking a ride in his sumptuous carriage in Revolutionary France and was set upon by a mob demanding his "liver on a pike." He parleyed with the crowd but to no avail. They began to rock his carriage and thrust their dirty little arms into the windows. All seemed lost but then he had a vision of crutches. Swiftly detaching his wooden leg he thrust it at the crowd and brandished it over his head. "I am a veteran," said he. "I fought with Lafayette at Tripoli! Viva la Revolution! Viva La France!" Awed, the crowd let him pass. He wasn't even late for his game of whist ( and after winning big he buggered the Lady d'Auvergne while her handmaid licked his nether eye.

Morris died at Morrisania in 1816 at the age of 64 and was buried at St. Anne's Episcopal Churchyard, in the Bronx, New York City.

Known Works

Constitution of the United States of America (, true author.

On this stuff called Poop, 27 scatological sonnets all featuring the word "perpendicular," distributed among friends with dirty drawings by Albert Kook.

See Also

Image Courtesy of the Smithsonian
Image Courtesy of the Smithsonian


Morris used the words "swank" and "slattern" to excess.

The study of Guvenor Morris is referred to as "Morrissaneology."

James Madison said of him that he had a "fondness for saying things and advancing doctrines that no one else would."

He was considered to be a brilliant military strategist.