Pig

pig n. 1. Intelligent and succulent omnivore; domesticated swine. 2. 12th sign of the zodiac, alternatively characterized as magnanimous, yet venomous, and humble, though desirous. 3. AA totem animal (see Extrapolation, below). 4. Derogatory term for police officers and practitioners of four of the seven Deadly Sins (sloth, avarice, gluttony, and lust).

Usage

"Eat-in? More like a fucking facist pig-out." – an angry Addisson, in an apparent misunderstanding of the Massive Dinner Send-Back, 1955.

Extrapolation

Common usage and slang is generally extrapolated from the pig defined as a dirty animal and a tasty treat, for instance:

• A pig skin is a football.

• To pig out is to eat too much.

• A pig-in-a-blanket is a corndog.

The AA totem pig was famously aped by William Golding in Lord of the Flies; it's origin, however, is unclear. Gnome psy-ops tried to link it to claims of Jew-baiting, but this is doubtful.

The O'Donnely Zodiac Placemats

What's your sign?

A more bizarre theory was put forth in 1973 by Burt Reynolds, self-styled amateur pigologist. During a drunken encounter with Addisson and Adid, Reynolds apparently accused the AAers of being “squealing pig fuckers.” A furious Adid said he’d never squealed in his life. Addisson replied with a simple “hogwash.”

One final theory worth noting stems from Pigs and Men, the scholarly tome that is lovingly referred to as the Pig Bible by pig scholars worldwide (see Non Canonical Text, below). Nevid Kessar once avoided a fist fight with a curiously angry Iowan by sarcastically agreeing with this argument: “The AA is mysterious, and so were the Eleusianians, so what the hell, yeah, you must be right – the connection is obvious.”

As is often the case, Addisson retains the final word on the subject: “Pigs are like the Bible: you take from a pig what you bring to a pig. But sometimes, Andy, a pig is just a pig” (from a letter to Andy Rooney, pigologist and TV commentator, in 1956).

Non Canonical Text

"Civilization owes a curiously underappreciated debt to the pig. The domestication of wild boar seems to go hand-in-hand with the transition from hunting and gathering societies to more sedentary agricultural communities. Indeed, current DNA evidence clearly shows that the pig was domesticated at least seven different times across the ancient Euro-Asian world, in locations stretching from Southern Europe, to Asian Minor, across the Asian steppes, and into South East Asia. Furthermore, pigs are central to religious practices in cultures spanning the globe. Of particular note to Western Civilization is the ancient Euro-Aegean custom of offering pigs to the Mother-goddess, who took the form of Demeter to the Greeks... The sacrificial pig of the pre-Christian initiation ceremonies of the Eleusinian Mysteries was only a step away from the sacrifical lamb of Christian mythology. Many secret societies continue to hearken back to the Mystery ceremonies, including, for example, the AA pig totem… In addition to religion, the pig has played an important role in war. The trifecta of ancient European trickster war strategies, for example, included the Trojan Horse, the Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing, and the Tossed Pig, which famously saved the city of Carcassonne." - Andy Rooney, Pigs and Men, 1948 (updated in 2003), Columbia University Press.

See Also

• Dewey Rose

• The Worship of Tits

• Goat

A simulacra of a pig is pictured above.

Pigs and Sex

Raw mountain oysters smell remarkably like truffles.

Boars ejaculate a pint of semen during half-hour long orgasms.

A boar with no testicles is called a barrow.

Pigs and Religion

Muslims and Jews do not eat pigs.

Want to please Demeter and prepare for the Elysian Mysteries? Try sacrificing a pig.

Pigs aren't Dirty

Pigs make great pets. They're more trainable than dogs!

Captive pigs sometimes eat their own young.

Hog jowls are a popular soul food.

Pigs don't sweat.