Choco Cult

From Plastic Tub

The first description of what could be called a Choco Cult was written by Dr. Peter Von Fondle in his Out By The Wood Shed: A Study in Puti-Core Reversalism. Although ridiculed at the time, the book was later to be partially vindicated. Academics still debate whether or not the book makes a prescient observation of a tendency that only later found fruition in a form matching Von Fondle's theories, or if in fact the book is a load of clap-trap that nevertheless influenced a generation, thus creating what it purported to describe. In either case, one fact remains clear: Choco Cults are on the rise, and in the words of Attorney General John Ashcroft, "represent a serious threat to the future stability of this nation."

Von Fondle's book examined the lifestyle of four children from the Midwestern town of Silonon, Kansas and eleborated a complex treatise revolving around their use of mediated entertainment, translation devices and "hyper-sexual grimacing, the untoward bending of limbs and a striking predisposition for shapeless homunculi, robots and monsters of all variety." The group was obsessed with Choco in particular, and went through such obsessive contortions to be like him that Von Fondle contrived to invent a name for their condition: Choco-Envy.

Oppositional Groupings and Secret Orders

Because his control group was so small and his conclusions so inane, the research was dismissed by most academics out of hand and in fact nearly cost Fondle his teaching position. In one memorable example of the extravagances arising from his monomania at the time, he became so agitated during a symposium that he threw a Twix bar at a panelist and accused him of being a "atavistic pig" after the startled man suggested that Smurfs were "innocent fun."

But two years later in San Narciso, California, the "Milky Way" was founded by a pimply young student by the name of Burton Smiles. It soon attracted a dozen like-minded youths who embarked on a rampage of mayhem and destruction after which they all ritually committed suicide by injecting refined Ex-Lax into their hearts. Displaying all of the characteristics described in Von Fondle's book, the group dedicated itself to developing a Choco-like creature. Their suicide set a wild series of events in motion which led us to the situation we find ourselves in today: Hundreds of Choco Cults nationwde, highly organized and financially independent, funding research leading nowhere, suspected to be involved in organized crime and in league with such diverse elements as the IRA, al-Qaeda, ETA and the Shining Path. They often develop legitimate businesses. One such group briefly marketed a candy called DingDings, after the alien benefactor of Choco, often referred to as one of the "Elder Ones."

These groups are not linked, and are often in violent opposition to one another. However, they are all obsessed with creating a rich and creamy milk-chocolate homunculus.

What is mystifying about the cults is that they seem oblivious to the fact that their violent activities are anathema to the spirit in which Choco conducts himself. Irregular Choco public service announcements seem to have no effect at all. Some pundits are led to wonder, at times aloud, if this is not merely an expression of "the end justifies the means mentality gone awry, amok even" (Dan Rather), but a "Psy-op perpetrated by Gnomes" (Michael Hoffman).

One thing is for certain; circulation of Choco strips is at an all-time low, and sales of Choco puzzles, games and plush toys have all but disappeared, leaving many to wonder what will become of their once-beloved hero in the face of increased public outrage, scapegoating and outright bans in many countries, including the entire European Union.

Canadians are apparently unfazed, as both Choco and DingDing continue to rival Mickey Mouse as the most popular fictional entity in the country. This is probably due to a) the fact that Jonathan Trenchwheat, series creator, is Canadian; and b) an affinity with the Pancake, Choco's gift of choice for friends, acquaintances and those who have been gallantly served by the "chocolate pimp."


Koose Muniswamy Veerappan had no qualms about working with Indian Choco Cults to further his aims.