John P. Merriweather

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Born on the Fourth of July, 1908. Died in November or December, 1976. He's not invited, he's just that kind of bastard. He is an anus fly, forever feeding. He receives nothing but scorn -- and by relation, much love.

Merriweather was born on a snowy day on the plains near Thebes, Oklahoma. Raised in a strict Evangelical household, the young man spent a good deal of his time visiting tent revivals across the Bible Belt. This was the school of rhetoric that was to serve him so well later in life. Along with an innate organizing skill, Merriweather posessed an analytical mind, a crusader's zeal and a bitter intolerance for anything which offended his sensibilities.

Denying the Obvious

Merriweather rejected his Evangelical heritage, becoming a rather low-key Presbyterian by the age of 17. He made this conversion while at the University of Oklahoma studying cartography, where he became aquainted with the work of A.W. Slippers. His Senior Thesis was a refutation of the Donut Shaped World Theory.

After his graduation he went on to work for Aliokrate, making maps of oil fields in Australia.

A Surprise Visitor

No one knows why, but by 1941 he had quit the business and moved to New York City, where he fell in with a group of business men who operated in the shadowy corners of the shipping industry. Two years later he founded The League of Gnomes. His new acquaintances, all connected to Aliokrate, are presumed to have bankrolled his initial efforts, and in fact, certain receipts made to industries connected to the Aliokrate shipping empire have recently been discovered in his effects.

Much of his subsequent life is well-known: his extravagant ferret collection, the TV show, the endless stream of vitriole and vindictiveness in tracts, pamphlets and various AM radio programs.

A Pantless Homecoming

The circumstances of his death are suspicious only in their lack of clarity. He appears to have died of a heart attack in an isolated hunting lodge near Aspen, Colorado. His body was discovered sometime after the fact, but as it was frozen solid, the exact date of death was never determined.

Merriweather was as smart and dedicated as he was self-righteous and inflexible. He is rumored to have worshipped the devil-god Mormo.


Merryweather is believed to have directed the plot to destroy Wee-Wee.

He founded the Gnome Scouts in 1952.

He was distantly related to Guvernor Morris.

The "P." in his name stood for "Pancreas," his father's favorite organ.