Patter O'Donnely

American. Born 1969. He arrives on the high wire, taut and shivering. He is blinded in the spot light. He receives his diploma - from the school of hard knocks.

Hop on Pop

Son of Ryan O'Donnely (notorious racist, ham-fisted amateur pugilist, one-time Major League pitcher, and founder of the O'Donnely's Ribhouse and Honkytonk), the rise of Patter O'Donnely reads like your father's dime-store pulp novel. Surly and impetuous in his youth, Patter's life turned weird when he discovered his father's dismembered body and duct-tape sealed limbs lying on the spotless floor of a restaurant deep freeze.

Tagged with intricate scribblings and laid in triskelion repose, his remains suggested execution by The League of Men with Fancy Gloves; no emblematic red glove was found, however, suggesting a frame-job. His death was the subject of intense national curiosity due to the unusual circumstances.

Goodnight, Moon

A distraught Patter's mother sent him off to Vienna, under the apparently delusional believe that her Austrian cousin would see to his care. She did not, in fact, have a cousin in Vienna. Patter spent the next couple years living on the streets of Europe, delving deeper in the shit until his nineteenth birthday found him selling his ass for dope.

Or so the story goes. Truth be told, there's very little known of Patter's life from the time he vanished into a Viennan alley way in 1986 until four years later, when he surfaced in Nottingham, England. Hailed as a hero, the still young Patter pulled at least five street children out of smoke filled tunnel beneath a burning lace factory - saving their lives. International gossip headlines speculated on the "missing years" - and some tabloids went so far as to suggest that the pimply, young, depressive Patter had somehow been possesed by his father's ghost.

The Chicken or the Egg?

The newspaper stories eventually made their way back stateside to his still distraught mother, finally leading to a mother-son reunion.

1990 saw Patter step forward to helm the O'Donnely chain. He proved to be a brutal business competitor, and the O'Donnely chain rose from near ruin like a phoenix.

Potbellied Pig

Despite his business successes, Patter's "missing years" years continue to be the stuff of tabloids. In addition to the tales of dope and ass peddling, persistent rumors of bizarre occult affiliations hound the still young Patter today. Patter seems to enjoy the attention and has sparked further gossip with such bizarre restaurant promotions as the son of Choco dolls and his O'Donnely Zodiac Placemats.

Known Works

Patter fueled the flames of rumored occult links with his O'Donnely Zodiac Placemats, which aped his father's O'Donnely Brand Paper Place Mats.

See Also

• Ritual Murder

Desiderata

Young Patter was born with a hairy back. He was "back bald" by three.