Stinking Weed

Stinking Weed (n. sometimes y.) 1. That which is now known as tobacco; sot. 2. Any of a number of Pooban deceptions. 3. A known sacrament for the consistently nervous. 4. Closest living relative to the common ancestor of the caffienoids.

Did we invent the stink weed, or did the stink weed invent us?

- Thomas Paine, Letters to Franklin. 1777.

Ah, but the sot doth impregnate a fertile mind like vapor,

& enable a feeble body like so many French negresses.

- Benjamin Franklin, Letters to Paine. 1778.

A Brief History

The stinking weed is indigenous to the New World. During Columbus’ first New World Voyage, Rodrigo de Jerez, a sailor on the Santa Maria, became the first European smoker; he carried the habit back to Spain and was summarily arrested by the Holy Inquisition after frightening a priest by breathing fire.

After this initial scare, the Europeans went ape-shit for the stuff. It quickly escalated in cost, until, pound-for-pound, it was worth much more than gold. Lust for sot and native pootang drove men to the New World, fueling colonization and the development of slavery.

Pocahontas rubb'd my backe slick with the grease of a beare.

Fetchng the dry leaf, she lean'd ov'r to light my pipe.

-Diary of John Rolfe. Jamestown Settlement, Virginia. 1614.

Several centuries rolled by. The fortunes of kingdoms waned and ebbed. Shakespeare died, but England was sitting pretty, raking in Kapital from the Tobacco Import and Export Taxes. The Founding Fathers, egged on by Guvernor Morris, revolted, declaring, "No taxation without representation." A new era dawned...

See Also

• Heavy drinking

• New World Odor

• Sin

Desiderata

Jorge Suarez was afraid of Tobacco.

Steven Vogeler has often claimed that if cigarettes were not around, he would invent them.