Lao Tsang Lillychow

From Plastic Tub

Chinese Born Guangdong Providence 1804. Died in Utah or Xianggang (Hong Kong) 1904. He is conceived by a shooting star and carried in his mother's womb for 83 years before being born as an old man. Lillychow is a tree frog with flowing white beard. He recieves a fresh apple pie with window pane and wafting aroma finger, offering sweet tickles to the noses of hammock-slumbered hobos.

Flowing River

The contradicton that is Lao Tsang Lillychow has long baffled historians and occultists alike. His steamy thighs have often been compared to "pale drumsticks," but only by bitter Gnomes. Although Stimes Addisson steamrolled his confirmation process in a secret early morning session convened over conference calls with his highly-esteemed advisors (Tommy the bookie from the newsstand and Mazzy), his place in the AA Pantheon has stood the test of time. The argument was that the controversy spoke for itself. Addison later added that we had no Asian in the club. In a puff of smoke, it was a given.

Afternoon Tea

Lillychow's Alchemical achievements, limited to small expolosives and the refinement of the poppy, and his exploits with British turncoats--most newly addicted--and their subsequent uprising, are well-documented. It would be a mistake to view his internal conflicts simply as those of one who found himself caught between the worlds of the Eastern Alchemist and the Western Pawn. Between addictions, betrayed by both hemispheres and despondent over his wife's murder, Lillychow, with a galley of narcotics, embarked for England past the Cape of Good Hope on a pirate ship. His wise airs and perfectionist attitude with his opium recipe cooled off deep cultural conflicts between his East and their West. He got them stoned; they refrained from raping him.

Baudelaire's praise brought not only ruin but an illustration.
Baudelaire's praise brought not only ruin but an illustration.
Dragon Chaser

His time in London (Summmer, 1840) was short and tumultuous. He quickly set up a gambling shop in the back of a fellow "Coolie's" alabaster retail outlet in the fiercely racist and desperateley poor neighborhood of Whitechapel, where he immediateley encountered resistance from the local tobbaconist and his ruffian comrades. Although Lillychow mixed poorly with the Eastern immigrants of the slums he was forced to inhabit, he finally gained their acceptance by inventing the "Thai-Stick Spleef," an affordable alternative to the laudanum rage that was destroying the poorer quarters of London.

Exit the Dragon

After setting up what would later become Baudelaire's favorite drug supply network in 1845, Lao Tsang Lillychow embarked for brighter skies in America. After landing in New York City in 1847, Lillychow, though well into middle age, worked as a food and laundry delivery boy before ending up a towel boy in a bath house outside of Lawerence, Kansas, where he eventually joined the Eastern thrust of the Trans-Continental railroad effort. His broken English and bawdy tales of Far Eastern women established his place around the evening campfire where he delighted the whiteman and the Irishman alike.

Smeltering Sun

Lillychow became increasingly ill as the railroad projects were meeting their mutual conclusion and was afraid that he would not live to see the famous moment when two whitemen would, with a powerful blow to a golden spike, take the credit for the work of a half-million refugees. Although he lived to see the historic moment, Lao was ostracized by his silk-panted brethren from San Fransisco because of his peculiar fondness for knickers and penny loafers. He died in Utah in an undisclosed location. The coroner is reported to have remarked that "his penis was such as I have never seen....and dare not hope to again soon."