Crack Stepper Jack, the Untold Story Told

From Plastic Tub

A pocket-sized tract published by The League of Men with Fancy Gloves, functioning essentially as a vaguely literate form of character assassination aimed at former member Cleo James Thurstunwell. Though it was generally recognized that Thurstunwell hadn't broken League by-laws or otherwise antagonized the membership, Crack Stepper Jack goes to great length elaborating his crimes -- to the extent that many critics consider the entire affair as a slander operation.

Running A Fever

The ploy, as such, was a miserable failure in that Thurstunwell was and remains a distinct unknown to the American populace. In the words of culture-critic and historian Easton W. Wunderkidd:

"The attempt to discredit Cleo was successful quite aside from itself; the text is full of the most ritualized defamation, an almost quabalistic and impulsive form of les douzaines. So tedious and convoluted is the absurd litany of infractions listed therein, the enlightened reader grows weary quickly, sweetening the inevitable defenestration of the offending material. Which is to say, my dear, chuck that shit out the window."

Throat Polyps

But despite it's apparent vacuity and airless tedium, the sheer weight of the accusations crushed contrary opinion and, more importantly, silenced what little interest the public may have enjoyed to that point. As for Thurstunwell himself, he offered little defense, only publishing a retaliatory notice available only to subscribers of his newsletter:

"As you all know, following the exploits of this lonely philologist and starry-eyed mystic has been a long and rewarding journey. The road today is jam-packed with rubber-neckers and whistlers, soul-aspersists, clam shinglers and despiritized hunimals amounting to little more than the raised eyebrow of a crone, wearily eye-balling Saturn's edible reflection in a empty soup-tureen."
However, among the 27 accusations levied against Thurstunwell, were:
  1. "He has proven to us by his actions to be a cracker, and has admitted to enjoying the whip." p.13
  2. "Several neighbors have witnessed him worshipping Mormo, what with his pants down." p.21
  3. "His gloves were often soiled and crispy." p.25
  4. "The Thurstunwell fugues, for marching band or drum corps, sound like hail on a coffin." p. 3
  5. "His poetical translation of the TV Guide is nothing more than wanton Leftist propaganda and shameless harum-scarum." p. 32
  6. "Etc."


The pamphlet sold poorly despite its massive print run, quickly becoming the punchline of bird cage jokes told by local Right-Wingers and Gnome enthusiasts.
Folding the cover in a tripartite fashion produced a hidden image depicting Thurstunwell conquering a pants-less Europe.

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