David Payne
From Plastic Tub
 Transplanted north from Tampa to Minneapolis, Mr. Payne bicycles. More reticent than reluctant, he continues to counter claims that his myostatin gene has been artifically silenced. He enjoys fingerpicking his guitar and finding haiku while perusing the Sunday ads. His heirloom tomatoes are said to be divine. He famously eggs on the competition. The son of Baptist missionaries, Payne spent his childhood in such exotic locales as Shanghai, Cairo, and Zephyrhills, Florida. Asked why he chose to settle in Minneapolis, he responds with a shrug and a quick punch in the stomach. Known in times past to sport an anachronistic handlebar mustache, Payne has recently undergone a conversion to the Cult of the Bald God, whose guru is said to be a grossly obese eunuch suffering under the stigma of alopecia, and, who in ritual context only, is said to be an uncanny stand-in for the uncircumcized penis of the Zeus celebrated in the AA playlet Dreams of a False Nose. ControversiesRecent gossip has Payne involved in the test flights of a surprisingly small hot-air balloon shaped (and painted to resemble) a sausage. (Martin Amyl, a pudgy francophile who leads a small but vocal army of internet pundits via his newfangled "blog", insists rather shrill-like that this is a saucisse toulousain. Although unproven to be true, many still believe the story with an ironclad faith. One Siberian tabloid has him floating low over the plains, bald pate a-gleam, handlebar mustachios a-wag, leather-jacketed, white-scarved, WWI flying cap unfastened, jodhpurs and boots, riding crop waved merrily: "Say there, my good fellow, have you a flint?" Almost embarrassed, if not for the naïve sense of avuncular aristocratic entitlement, which by rights you should hate him for, but in fact for which you love him all the more. See Also |
 DesiderataAs a young man short on cash, Payne once swapped his shoes for The Velvet Underground and Nico. Payne celebrated his 21st birthday while misinterpreting the pidgen-French mutterings of a voodoo priest. His family claims that a very young David spent countless hours creating phonts and layouts but suddenly stopped when he discovered television. Payne prepared for his Water:Pillow role by living under a set of stairs for several months.
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