Richard Lancelyn Green

Born 10 July 1953. Died 27 March 2004. He peers in, left eye squinty, beckoned by a whisper. He is a walrus tip-toeing. He receives dope tunes.

Although renowned for his popular renditions of Homeric and Arthurian legends, Sherlock Holmes was Green's passion. A connoisseur of mystery in life, Green bloomed further mystery in death.

Bones Bought

Spectacles and a Hairy Cap

Long-time correspondent Mazzistow Carrington, a detective novelist of rightful merit, has publicly expressed his doubts over the suicide story. In Grignotes 32 (2005) -- a journal normally dedicated to Paolo Grignotti -- he writes:

Green's death stinks of Gnomes; the stench cannot be denied. Anyone with a nose for crime could sniff it in a New York instant. This counterfeit story foisted upon the public has all the earmarks of a cover-up. Green expressed certain sentiments to me that in no way intimated a desire to die. I knew the man. He lived -- let me tell you... I used certain contacts to verify details he had about that "mysterious American." He was real. And that shit stinks.

(Carrington happened to come into contact with Grignotes while researching Holmes' violin -- which he believes Doyle intended to have once belonged to famous Italian master Paolo Grignotti.)

Ladies Hair Below

Less sentimental analysts have declared that Carrington is incorrect. They do not doubt the reality of a mysterious American, but they do believe the suicide was genuine. "It was the ultimate act of sacrifice to draw attention to some dark force gathering on the horizon," writes Winthrop Dunn in the popular Holmsiana magazine.

A third interpretation has it that Green in fact had an extreme form of body integrity identity disorder (http://literature.sdsu.edu/2005/spring/301/amputationpsyche.pdf) which led him to amputate his entire body -- by killing himself. The spoon, they say, indicates his desire to shed this fat mortal coil, weighted down with eating and its accompanying farts; the spoon is the ultimate symbol of the bodily need which shackles the spirit. In an extreme form of Gnostic asceticism, Green made that ultimate transition.

Cat-skins ... Stripped Off!

Plastic Tub sees an attractive merit in this last position, but ultimately believes one of the first two possibilities is likely. All evidence, to be presented as soon as it is properly compiled, will be presented herein.

What is certain is that an American by the name of Stanley Adcock (generally referred to as "the mysterious American" by conspiracists) flew to England and stayed near Green's final apartment. While in London, Adcock is known to have made several telephone calls to suspected Gnomes. Soon after Green's death, Adcock returned to the States and thereafter retired to a life of relative seclusion in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho.

His Hand Upon the Lock

According to the Tub's sources, Adcock is: a violinist worthy of international note yet who remains unknown to the music world; a firm believer in Kapitalist Darwinism; a charitable donor to the Leeks for Peeps; a proud member of the Society for the Terminally Obese Children's Foundation; and the direct descendent of Pierre Charles L'Enfante, designer of the Washington D.C. cityscape.

Non Canonical Text

"They say he committed suicide, but everything else tells me that this is no [sic] possible. No one can double-tie a catheter behind his own neck and strangle himself. I just don't think that is possible." -– Alex Christopher (http://www.thewatcherfiles.com/denver.html)

See Also

• Purvey Dicklock
• Smedley Wissock

Notes

Note 1:  Initial reports suggested that Green's nightstand held a matchbox containing "a remarkable worm said to be unknown to science." Scotland Yard continues to scoff at "such nonsense. Hrmph."

Richard Lancelyn Green, 50, a prolific author and collector of Sherlock Holmes-related memorabilia, was found garotted on his bed by police.

Desiderata

Green also collected plaid pants; his collection numbered in the high hundreds.

Green's myopic left eye led to innumerable automobile accidents, yet he refused to wear a monocle.

Green's favorite exclamatory was "Grub on a muddle!"