O'Donnely Zodiac Placemats

The O'Donnely Zodiac Placemats

What's your sign?

The rumors of occult links and references are largely unsubstantiated. The more mundane truth is that Patter hired blindingly drunk AA historians David Payne and Steven Vogeler to design his newest restaurant promotion. Having signed their contracts while drunk, Payne and Vogeler proceeded to work drunk. Their vulgar creations would have led to swift arrests, had the astute Patter not suddenly turned his chain adult.

The O'Donnely Zodiac Placemats formally classifies people by birth signs for the purposes of description, prediction, and giving advice. Each of the signs was accompanied by a series of Fun Facts ® cards which can be found by following the links below.

The signs of the O'Donnely Zodiac are:

Owl: 1st sign

• Wise? Hardly. Wise implies a sense of justice -- a moral compass. We call the Owl "wise" to calm our quaking hearts. It's a children's story, a fairy tale -- no more. The Owl is Death unbidden. There is no reason, no wrong doing, no warning. The Owl drops, and you are gone. There are those who are born the Owl, and there are those who are born to feed the Owl. That's it.
• Birth: Precursor to death.

Pimp: 2nd sign

• Well dressed and sensual -- you've got the goods. Purple's definitely your color.
• Birth: the 27th.

Nut: 3rd sign

• Like a testicle in a scrotum or a walnut in its shell, those born under the sign of the Nut are wrapped in a protective psychological barrier. Inside their shell, they operate alone, isolated from the common and the ordinary. In short, they're nuts, kookoo. On the other hand, their fertile imaginations will blossom, grow, and reproduce if the conditions are right.
• Birth: May 3.

Ear: 4th sign

• The auspicious sign of the Ear defies common wisdom. Contrary to what you may have heard, Ears do not listen, which makes them rather unflappable. Large and hairy ears are unattractive, so be sure to avoid platform shoes and keep your mustache neat.
• Birth: January 8, 1935. Death: August 16, 1977.

Pancake: 5th sign

• It's your luck to be desired by mouths. Run!
• Birth: Ceasarean

Egg: 6th sign

• Fragile and feminine, well-palmed and tossed. The thick fecundy innards of the Egg glom-globbed in a drip-dropping glurb -- rich stench a-curdled with stirrings of life. Mysterious delights await. Avoid sitting on walls.
• Birth: Hatched by light of pale silver moon.

Donut: 7th sign

• Go on a diet, you tub of lard.
• Birth: Don't kid yourself. You're not pregnant. You're just fat.

Noodle: 8th sign

• The well groomed Noodle is a sight to behold. But beauty is skin deep. Pop the pimple of facade to reveal intelligence unchecked -- a walking ad for a mouth guard.
• Birth: The kitchen. Preferably Italian.

Goat: 10th sign

• Lavicious, bearded, clever, and drunk: Goats are not to be fucked with.
• Birth: 7th day of the 7th month of the 7th year. Usually in a log cabin under a full moon with a pissed off dad & a jug o' moonshine.

Stinking Weed: 11th sign

• Both earthy and vaporous, Weeds stink when fired up; nonetheless, smoke 'em if you've got 'em.
• Birth: Yes.

Pig: 12th sign

• Pigs keep it real; sex + food = 1 happy Pig.
• Birth: The digits of the year create a prime when summed.

Mustache: 13th sign

• Mustache. Must ache. WTF is that all about? And Jesus, those Greek ladies; don't get me started...
• Birth: Puberty. Or menopause. Or pregnancy. Or steroids. Or--Jesus, Patter, you get the f-'n' point... are we done already?

See Also

Steven Vogeler's Fun Facts ®

Zodiacs N' Stuff